Hey, I know this is completed and you might not heed this, but I just thought I'd let you know that the words aren't quite right when you turn to french in the first section. 'très bon' isn't correct, it's 'trés bien'. and when you say 'mon amies', it sounds like you are talking about a group of girls, but for mixed gender, it's 'mes amis'. also, i don't think they would use chèque to mean check. maybe 'ici' would be more appropriate? it would mean 'here'.
I love your story, it's so creative and intriguing. The french grammar is merely tips for improvements.
I'm working through your story now and I can't wait to read the rest. bon écrit!

A bientôt,
willow

Another great chapter. Although you don't seem to know what grenades do to walls or people, you've got it a bit back to front.

Wow. This story is...orgasmic, for lack of better words. I love it. It is like nothing I have ever read before. Truly amazing.

I am not one to read long stories due to the simple fact that they tend to bore me. I am also not a fan of Oneshots either because I always wonder "what next?". This story grabbed my attention from the very first chapter, actually from the summary really! I honestly did not WANT to continue this story. But every time I clicked away from it there was that nagging in the back of my mind telling me "Go back and keep reading. You know you want to." And I did.

Wow, this is the longest review I have written yet. I pride myself on being a blunt person and here I am going on and on. A disgrace to blunt people everywhere. But the point is I loved this story and I had to let you know that.

I fully intend to go on and read The Agent but seeing as it is now almost 1 AM that must wait until another day, no matter how tempted I am to start it now. You can trust I will be reviewing that one as well so, farewell until then Quinn.

omigosh! aldous turned into his father!! and he went super crazy! aww, it's not often i read stories where the main character goes super looney, but, it's great. really different, and an overall great story! yay for you!

this is just too good...

i've just been reading along, and i had to leave a review for this chapter... this is SO much fun to read! it's great, i love it, and aldous is an awesome main character. great job!

This story is great, but I thought that the Anthrax thing was never totally cleared up. It was going on, and on, and then it wasn't. Aside from that and a couple of rogue spelling errors, I can't complain.

I love it. Gotta remember to read a chapter a day until I finish it all.

*aplaudes* you should so write a sequel. Your on my favorites i love all of your stories

First, you're very good. Second, you've got a long way to go (as do we all.) Here's what I saw in Chapter 1:

The biggest problem I saw was that I was having trouble empathizing with the protag. It's hard to write about an unsympathetic protag. The catching point for me was the fact that the protag seemed to have no conscience. All five deaths, in rapid succession, was almost numbing. Were they all necessary? It might have been a good opportunity to show some humanity (and therefore instill a connection with the reader) if he had showed a little mercy with at least one of those five characters. Shooting the knees and elbows of the final victim also seemed a bit excessively cruel to someone the protag has never met. I think you need for the reader to be able to connect with Aldous on a personal level, which means give him human qualities. Why is he an assassin? Is he being blackmailed into doing it? Does he feel bad about killing people? How can you give him some fault, some human emotion? Also, perfect=bad for a protag. Flawed is usually a lot more interesting. Think Superman vs. Spiderman. Personally, I think the chapter would have been a lot more interesting if he had screwed everything up, everything had gone wrong, and he'd barely escaped with his life. The more things that go wrong, the more hurdles the protag has to face, the better the story.

Dialogue. Your words are all there, but I think you're actually saying too much. Much of the time, simply taking out the taglines (she cheerily chirped, he shouted, he mused absently, she mumbled...) would tighten your writing and speed it up. The characters' words should speak for themselves--with the really good authors (like George R.R. Martin) the reader should be able to get the entire image of what is going on simply by reading the characters' own words.

It's just a minor thing, but the quotes around each of the apartment room names was distracting. As a rule, if we use them in everyday speech, you don't need to put them in quotes. At least not in novels. It would be a different matter if we were writing for the academia, but we're not. We're writing for the common man. They appreciate an easy read and I swear, they don't give a crap about obscure English technicalities :)

On the flip side, I think you've got a good handle on your storytelling. It's very smooth and non-episodic, which is excellent. You can transition crisply from scene to scene without feeling unnatural or abrupt. Also, your vocabulary and ability to seamlessly fold your words together make it deceptively easy to read. There were several times I was startled by Aldrous's actions simply because the story was flowing along at a good clip. That's half the battle right there. You're really talented...keep up the good work!

Wow. Amazing. That was just an amazing ending.

You know, this wouldn't be a half bad movie.

I'm glad I stuck around to enjoy the whole ride. It was incredible.

I insist you keep writing. Who knows? You may become so famous that you can't go anywhere without people asking for your autograph.

I give my regards and wish for the best.

-

It's almost done!

Very good chapter. Well written.

The interaction between Verity, Aldous, and Jonathon makes me sad. Verity is in love with Aldous and he doesn't really care. Aldoes wants to kill his father and his father won't die. :(

Oh no... his father shot him! And then left!! Some dad, hm? And Verity! I hope she doesn't die...!

Hm... does Verity have anthrax now?