Wow. Such things I never thought of before. It's splendid and powerful. Your words are just- blinding, really.

sounds like something you hit on a late late movie...I like it

Man, gotta love that creepiness. Well written though, and captivating all the same. Good imagery and such, you really have a way with words. Great.

freakyy! i like the silence parts because it gives the poem this sorta creepy atmosphere.

yeah, its good. and quite different from your other poems i've read too :)

Whoa. Love the originality and the way it appeals to the morbid corner of my mind.

creepy. evocatively so, though, nicely done =)

Hello Mike,I'll give you a stanza-by-stanza breakdown.

The 1st stanza was pretty good. It helps to introduce the premise, but you could make better use of the space. The part in the parentheses does have its uses, though. It's wry enough to make the whole lighter, instead of tedious, which it might be in danger of. You ought to complete the picture instead of leaving the readers to draw their own images. Set the scene completely.

The 2nd stanza has some nice wordplay. Is that a typo in "And does grow towards light"? Maybe you could consider a better comparison, if you're contrasting the foetus with the plants in order to give this corpse vs vitality feel. Venomous? Make sure you have a good reason for every word you choose, because they all matter.

The 3rd stanza creates atmosphere, which is good. However, it's a little distracted. Try for more impact and clarity. Don't write stanzas because the words sound good (although aesthetics are very important too!) Weave the aesthetics into the poem as you load every word. Although, some people like the Romantic poetry feel, which is fine, too, but a bit incongruous with your subject matter. Your first stanza sounds postmodern, your second a bit melodramatic, and your third, yeah, Romantic.

I understand that the 4th stanza is really quite important but it's also a little tedious. Try cropping out parts that aren't strictly necessary. If you have a point to make, make it once instead of repeating it in different ways.

Also, your choice of words in certain places are a bit suspect (i.e. enrobed with innocence, haunts in its nothingness, moonlight slivering through, etc). As you pick your words pay attention to how they sound, but it would be best if you can reconcile syntax with aesthetics. It would help if you read things out a few times. Like someone once said, poetry is the spoken word, scored. (I'm ad libbing) Instead of changing your words to fit in with the metre and rhythm, try changing the entire line, for example, to make it flow. Keep working at it. I can tell that you already have quite a good ear for sound.

Overall, this is pretty promising. It has an interesting premise, flow is pretty good, no major syntax flaws. You lose interest somewhere in the middle of the 4th stanza, though. Don't use parentheses for the sake of being post-modern. Experiment with your own forms! Because the essence of post-modernism is the search for a unique identity or expression, and for some people that's parentheses but for other people it could be semi-colons or clay. Get what I mean?

Some of your best lines, i.e. "and a cosmic 9-11 replay", "and seeps into your ears and into your mind", display a flair for evocative language. Try forays further in that field. Perhaps you might like to explore poetic portraiture? You'd be good in that in the sense that you don't seem to succumb to the usual cliches.

Repetition can be used twice or thrice before it becomes too heavy. Keep it light, keep it unpredictable, surprise the reader. It's all about the magic. If your words can persuade whoever's reading that whatever you say is true/right/good then you've got it. If they read it and think, whoa, this is good stuff, then you've got it. If you want to use a particular turn of phrase as a recurring theme through the poem, always, always use variation! Even in villanelles you're permitted to variate the recurring couplet. And that's because there's a good reason to variate.