I loved that story! Can't wait to read chapter 2, im sure the unrevised ones gonna be great!

Of course it rocks, I expected that. I never EVER thought Knife would have spiked purple hair. I always envisioned him being the kind of wiry rugged guy.hehe you have really improved Marja. You know how I always complained about her being a bystander, well now she isnt. I always thought Kyube would have golden-brown curly hair, and Marja would have dark brown wavy hair, but that was just me."Of course, I couldn't help being as adorable as I was, and I also couldn't see any harm in it, but she was right about my hair, almost no one in Pabra was born fair-haired, let alone with natural curls.

Of course, I could have lied and made up some story to calm her worries,"

1. hehe I love that "couldnt help being as adorable as I was."

2. Of course... Of course... starting two sentences that are next to each other with 'of course' sounds strange.

"That did nothing for the frown on her face, she" - semi-colon, not comma?

"Obviously making a plan would be up to me, Kyube knew"- semi colon, not comma?

"Being female in Pabra was, traditionally, right next to being pond scum" - me loves that line. Perhaps you could tie that into why Marja and Kyube have so much freedom- no one expects women to be thieves or con artists. Of course, it could work the opposite way as well.

It was remarkably easy to find him,- him? Who is him? It is only a couple of lines later that we find out it is Knife.

"white light, the color of magic that meant no harm" - nice detail, the original version was sparse on detail and minor characters (like Joro or Black Market Dan (hehe)) and you have woven the setting well.

I know that your doctrine is long sentences in exposition, and it is really a matter of personal preference, but sometimes I THINK your sentences are a bit too long at times.

"outside of the palace walls and its luxurious grounds, 'breaking the law' was known as 'doing what you have to so you can eat.'" - I like how you are emphasising the practical, insightful side of Marja.

"sufficient brains--i.e., me." - I like Marja's self-confidece (not arrogance)

maybe you should emphasise that they are actually attempting to free the thieves- if that is what they are doing. Sat something like that before Kyube says "five soldiers wouldnt be enough" - unless you intended to leave that unsaid.

I just notice where Marja blanched at the 'he' and I like that, although it would seem that she knows everything about what hapened between Knife and Kyube. Actually, I think the HIM was deliberate, and I see the effect you are trying to get across. I just found it confusing at first...you be the judge of that.

patted Kyube as if she was still a child.- how big an age difference is there?

hehe nice ending! Sorry I am so picky, but I made an effort on making this a LOONG review.

broad grin, her eyes- either semi-colon or and. I am not particularly fond of semi-colons as they disrupt the flow of the text somewhat,but again it is personal preference so I should stop being so picky.

I like Nearly Mad Susan- more detail in a town bustling with people. I need more minor characters in my story too. Hmm

I will reply to your email when I have the energy and time to put into writing a meaningful one.

Yeah, I like it better than the last, though that one was good too. I like the earlier info on Prodigies. I also felt like Marja's character was fleshed out more than the old first chapter, though I'm not sure why exactly. One thing though - you keep mentioning the Family, but I'm not sure you explained what it is. (Or I may have just missed it.)

THIS WAS SO AWSOME! Ayiieek, it was so fun seeing them as their 'old' selves, but still sounding as good as the 'now' versions! Heehee, Marja kicking Knife was so cute, especially when you keep in mind how worried she is abuot him now... ooh that was fun!