Reviews for Adept - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Adept

Youneek
2005-04-12
ch 1,

abuseI haven't finished reading this yet. I got about halfway through when I had to stop. Even though I didn't complete it, I still feel like I have to give it a review. And maybe I'll come back and finish it later, but really, I doubt it.

First off:

It was good. Actually, it was very good. Judging from what I read, I'd say that you're well versed in Astral Projection and the principles of the Akashic Records. You’ve definitely done your homework. Yet even with all of the references to the astral plane, projective abilities, and metal strain that you can find in any such piece, you added a personal flair to it. Very unique, and very well done.

And now to explain why I had to stop reading:

It wasn't the length of the piece that was daunting. I've read and reviewed longer pieces on this site before. It wasn't that the subject was boring or too far-fetched. Far from it, actually. It wasn't that I was stir-crazy from sitting or too tired to focus. This piece seemed to draw me in and monopolize my attention.

What made me stop was the fact that your writing style, pure and simple, is an atrocious wreck.

You are, without a doubt in my mind, the King of Run On Sentences. Also, your loyal courtiers seem to have demanded that you outlaw commas. I’m being precocious, but what I’m saying is true.

Take, for instance, your paragraph detailing the library scene. Your version read like this:

“Unlike everywhere else the interior of the library was not freeze-frame I was hit by noise and movement and it shocked me. The jump back to normality was just as shocking as the jump out of it. Dark man was by the reference section he was leaning against one of the shelves as if bored waiting for me to keep up, I felt annoyed with him and this fury gave me the spurt I needed to weave in between people and reach the shelf. Dark man wasn’t there of course, he was at the far end of the aisle drumming his fingers. Where was he leading me, assuming he was leading me anywhere and not just playing a cruel game? There seemed little choice but to pursue this to the end so I ran to the end of the aisle and crashed into a small table someone had foolishly felt there. The fool in question was me I’d been here before and remembered it now. It was my very first day at C, and one of the most demoralising of my life I’d felt so out of place and unwanted in this world of brilliant students with rich parents.”

Eesh. Grammar error city.

Let me show you how it –should- read. I’m not going to change your words a lot, but I –am- going to change your punctuation. Read it and view the difference.

“Unlike everywhere else, the interior of the library was not freeze-frame(d). I was hit by noise and movement, and it shocked me. The jump back to normality was just as shocking as the jump out of it. Dark man was by the reference section; he was leaning against one of the shelves, as if (he was) bored (by) waiting for me to keep up. I felt annoyed with him, and this fury gave me the spurt I needed to weave in between people and reach the shelf. Dark man wasn’t there, of course. He was at the far end of the aisle, drumming his fingers. Where was he leading me, assuming he was leading me anywhere and not just playing a cruel game? There seemed little choice but to pursue this to the end. I ran to the end of the aisle and crashed into a small table someone had foolishly felt there. The fool in question was me. I’d been here before and remembered it now. It (had been) my very first day at C, and one of the most demoralising of my life. I’d felt so out of place and unwanted in this world of brilliant students with rich parents.”

Another example:

“Okay so what had he taught me about consciousness, closing my eyes I began to feel the room rather than tramp around it the old-fashioned way? I moved from front to back then east to west, it was cold, ice cold, no other mind responded.”

“Okay…so what had he taught me about consciousness? Closing my eyes, I began to feel the room rather than tramp around it the old-fashioned way. I moved from front to back, then east to west. It was cold, ice cold, (and) no other mind responded.”

I’m not going to bother pointing out the differences. I know you can see them.

But your run-ons weren’t just limited to your narrative writing. It was in your dialogue as well.

Your version:

“Good lad at last you’re applying rational thought to irrational phenomena, the laws of cause and effect work here just as they do everywhere else.”

Grammatically correct version:

“Good lad. At last, you’re applying rational thought to irrational phenomena. The laws of cause and effect work here just as they do everywhere else.”

It reads smoother, and it doesn’t make people’s eyes cross. If you use correct punctuation and grammar, people are going to actually read what you write.

Here’s what happens inside a reader’s head when you don’t:

If you’re watching them as they read it, you’ll see their brow knit, and they might pull the paper closer to their face. This is because they’re examining the problems with the text, and they’re trying to correct it in their heads. It’s hard to correct it and glean the meaning from it at the same time; few people can do it. If forced to, they’ll finish reading it, but most of the time, they’ll set it aside like I did.

If they –do- complete it, chances are they won’t be able to remember much detail. They’ll understand the overall plot (maybe), but, for instance, won’t remember small bits and pieces of information. Like…oh, I don’t know…character names.

Take what I’ve said to heart. You’re a good writer; your material shows that. You’ve a head for details and plots and schemes that could one day get you published.

But, until you master the minute details of the English language, you’re just treading water.

Feel free to e-mail or IM me. I’m willing to answer any questions you have.

--Slaneyder--

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