This was really interesting. The play of the unknown, mixed with the monotone of life and the teachings of an unknown mind to one that makes the assumption that life is a hamster wheel and everyones a square.

Its a little hard to folow what all goes on as it switches quickly, and nothing is really in order. It's all about the subtext of the words and they are what makes the story so compelling.

I absolutely love this, and probably the most interesting part of it centers around Narcissa, who although the main focus of the story, isn't actually a part of it until later. It's lovely and melancholy and it's as if nothing in the world matters until you finish it, and maybe when you do finish it.

"Reality is a desk job." is such a funny line, even though it's really in the wrong to say that this is a funny fic, especially when you realize this entire thingh is psychological. This story is such an awesome story, and even though I've read it before, I thought I should review it to show you how much I love it.

Peace.

hm. i sometimes wonder if the people who write these things actually feel what they're so eloquently speaking of, or if they're just letting some deeper part of the (haha...insert part of being here) wander free. i really like your work; you're talented. or i think so, at any rate.

its intriguing, how you wrote it. its cold and detatched yet youre looking into someone elses reson for life. to understand it, i had to read it very slowly.

as a matter of fact, i dont think you should change it, its mysterious, not boring, as well as ambiguous.

give the readers a little time to think ;)

youre awesome
ciao
Sam
X

Dude..I must be the only one who figured out the plotline, although I can't describe iut in words that well-^^- quite possibly the most well-written piece that I have ever read, and the words and imagery you use are absolutely sublime. Please keep writing! It's awesome.

Wow, ok...

I really like your writing style. Especially in this one.

"White water heat and wasted words, but everything tastes like ash when that’s all you ever see. Everything’s in black and white, with the volume down, and the only smell in the air is human decay, creeping slowly up on us all like snakes sliding close through the grass. She’ll crush me this time, I swear, she’ll break something deep inside that won’t ever be fixed again.

I’ll die for her, from her, I’ll die when I jump to the sky and I’ll let her watch me fall."

This was an amazing way of describing emotions and feelings, the way that the protagonist was slowly fading to bitterness and cynicism. It's not mind numbing, just eye opening.

One bit of criticism, because I hate glushing. Sometimes you restate your point just after making it. I would suggest leaving the reiteration a little longer, to add to the effect of the piece.

Other than that? I love all your writing and very well done.

the writing is simply sublime. it is so emotionaly wrought and fantasticaly done that it leaves a profound and surrealistic feel upon the person. a smartly written piece that is truly a gem of its own, I love the last line brought out such a dramatic closing and wonderful painted scene in my eyes. the prose is beautiful, I want to worship it.

lovely, lovely written piece. nicely mysterious and did make sense. not at all vague when read over a second time. its impossible to give a good critique for this.

~* as beauty dies *~

that was REALLY well-written, and I was captivated the whole time.

Wow. I like this. I like this a -lot-. It actually did make sense to me, in a sort of a calculated psychopathic kind of way. The way it jumps back and forth through time and place vaguely reminds me of Pahaliniuk's style in one of his books that I can't remember the title of right now (yeah, like that statement is helpful at all O.o).

Your prose is beautiful. It grabbed me from word one and held on tightly until the end. This is honestly one of the best written pieces I've found on this site ...I stumbled across your page while reading a review you left on The Queen of Cliche's "He Punks Me Not," and for some reason that review caught my eye so I came to check you out. I'm very, very glad that I did. Keep up the good work. :)

It's sad. It's melancholy. It's mundane, and not mundane, and crazy, and sane, and everything I never want to be. And maybe that's why it's beautiful. You certainly topped me with that one. Congrats.

This is probably the best written thing I have ever read on FictionPress. Admittedly, that doesn't say much, since most of it is ** anyway.

Allow me to rephrase: this is one of the best unpublished works I have ever written. However.

It's a little bit too heavy. Not the writing, you have a beautiful style, and your actual use of verse is fascinating. Positively sublime. It's just slightly overwrought. For one thing, it's impossible to understand what's actually going on. I mean, the story obviously has a plotline of some kind, but I don't have a clue whom could ever pick it out of that. You need to make it more comprehensible and less affected.

But when I say it's affected, don't, by any means, get rid of any of those beautiful metaphors and insightful comments into the human condition (that is, if my opinion of your work has any validity to you at all). Just maybe not so many. You have to keep the great writing, but get rid of some of the contrived and ephemeral wording. Especially the stuff about how "Reality is a desk job." (Well, acutally, whatever you do, don't get rid of that particular statement- I love it). To be honest, a lot of the ‘life is useless, mundane and utterly abysmal’ talk is just horribly depressing. Also, it's rather strange, because we have no way to sympathize with the protagonist, although she is obviously unhappy, because we have no idea what she's so woebegone about. This makes the story difficult to read.

Anyway, since I'm being far to long winded, I commemorate you greatly for your writing style and expression. Just maybe a little more clarity?

7

Oh wow...that was overwhelming...it was so intense! I'm really not sure quite what's going on. The gist of what I got was that this woman, Narcissa has bewitched her and makes her do anything she pleases. This woman (main character) is depressed and Narcissa is helping her in a twisted way...but even if I didn't understand everything, it was incredible ^^ can you write more please?

Awsome, as always! Love it! ^_^