oh no poor Konoka!! V>V i hope zeb doesnt eat her :( that would end the story :( and it is pretty good so far :)

So, I pwn all now, eh? Damn Right! xP

Heh, in all seriousness, it's not that bad at all. Your style of writing really shines in this story, and your descriptiveness is really well. The grammar in some places could have been better, however, and your paragraphing was a bit choppy, but I'll forgive you because this is one of your first tries.

Anyway, nicely done, and I'll be waiting for chapter two.

..and you better not think I'm being Biased, either. o.o;; I seriously love it ^^

Great Story! I love your writing style. If you keep writing I'll keep reading.