|Reviews for The Elements: Hours of Darkness|
| phantom-jedi 10/12/06 . chapter 15
Good story thus far. I await the ending. Some critism for you, as requested.
The grammer needs work. At times it obscures the meaning of the sentence entirely: at other times, it merely detracts from the impact the sentance otherwise would have had. If you wish, I will go through it again, point out the errors, and mail it to you. Just ask.
As far as the story arc is concerned, it seems pretty good. You progress from one event to the next without too much jerking. However, it could be improved. A few times it appeared that there should have been a chapter break, or the action jumped suddenly, forcing the reader to stop and think about what is going on, where the characters are in your timeline.
Characters: one of the harder parts of writing. The characters are, well, okay in this story, but could be better. Flesh them out: I am confident that Evline is not the only one with a mysterious past. Give a little more background. Also, give each a more defined personality. I'm not saying just sit and talk about a character for a few paragraphs. Play out their traits in how they act/react with the others. A difficult task, for sure, but one that will improve your story and your writing skills in general. At the moment, the one character I feel that I know the best is Evline, seeing as this is told mostly from her POV. Expand on the others more: I get several of the male characters mixed up on occasion.
Characters: continued. While excruiating detail is to be avoided, a glimpse of physical characteristics will give the reader a visual image of each person, allowing them to see the action in their mind's eye, as it were. Speaking of action, the fight scenes weren't bad. Streamlining could be done (i.e., taking out uneeded words).
Overall, this story is a good one. Keep writing!
| WyrdWolf 4/11/06 . chapter 1
Oh, I didn't know you were editing it! I wish FP sent out alerts for replaced chapters!
This was really awesome. The writing has really improved and become greatly capturing, and the segment with Adar was a greak tweak from the original version. I'm really getting into it - again!
I noticed one regualr error and some of FP's stupid uploading errors. Three times, when a word reached the end of the page, it was repeated in the next line(like in golf clap, 'golf' is put twice. Stupid FP!)
Also, when you meant 'avail', it said 'anvil', to which I burst out laughing.
I really want to see more of the new and improved Elements. I have to look at your profile more often!
| guest 2/24/06 . chapter 1
... WOOT! THAT WAS THE BEST CHAPTER YET DUDE!
Pros: Great ending! Very suspenceful. I loved the new looks of the Elements and will have to draw them soon and post on DA, k?
Cons: The begining was a bit iffy. Not really your best one, it was certianly enough to get someone to keep reading the story. And, what does the word GRAMMER mean to you? lol jk (_)v!
Over all, great story and I can't wait to see Chapter 2! WOT! w
| Elody Shadow 2/20/06 . chapter 1
well, that was interesting! I really liked your first chapter. I love all he characters, especially one by the name of Thor. I'm curious about this red-haired teen, what is he up to...? Welp, I shall continue on to chapter 2! Your writing is extremly good!
| Jenae 1/6/06 . chapter 7
DRAMATIC GASP! Welp, guess what? I FINALLY AM READING YOUR STORY! YEAH! sorry took me so long to review for this...Anyway, shall I start with the review? I think I shall!...I thought the chapter was very good, and pretty darn interesting! Lol, wish I had Evlines powers when I was by an apple tree...they would be a heck of a lot more handy then climbing the tree or whacking the apple with a stick. (which is not fun...lol) i'm glad she met Ophelia, now she got some answers! Always good to get answers to your questions! and I feel bad for Evline! Gosh darn it would suck to have a savage for a father! major bummer there...I LOVED the part with the books, thats very creative what you did with the launguage and how it was flipped so many times to where it would be difficult to read. Anyway, sorry again it has taken me so long to read this! I'll read chapter 8 tomorrow!
| Anya Tempest 12/28/05 . chapter 15
Apologies yet again for my lateness of reviewing. Blame my big brother - he got Soul Callibre Three for Christmas and we've been kind of having a little orgy in his room with it. (We discovered the character colour edit option and made up the Tempest Team, Mirror and an original character of my brother's! Yay! Then we made the CPUs have a tournament to see who would win! ...William came second after my brother's character...yeah...um... just realised how sad I sound, so I'm now going to shut up...)
Anyway. I'm still picking up the same sorts of errors, the kind that could be fixed by a good thorough proof-reading, so I won't go into those.
There are a few words which I noticed that you continually miss-spell so I'll list those, in case they're a genuine misuse. (If not you can merely be careful when typing them next time)
When describing fear, the terms are "Fright" and "Frightened", not "freight" and "freighted". "Freight" is, to quote dictionary dot com:
"Goods carried by a vessel or vehicle, especially by a commercial carrier; cargo."
And you should only use "peek" when referring to a glance eg. "She peeked round the door at him"
When talking about height, it's "peak" eg. "She was at the peak of her powers" or "They climbed all the way to the mountain's peak."
"feel" is to do with emotion eg. "Can you feel the love tonight?" (Good old Elton D )
whereas "fell" should be used when referring to the effect of gravity eg. "the vase fell off the table and smashed on the floor"
Finally, "starred" is to do with appearing eg. "She starred in her school nativity play as Mary"
And "stared" should be used when referring to vision eg. "They stared at the girl playing Mary, she was wearing a tea towel on her head"
Anyway, on to more general aspects of your writing.
You seem to be using flowery language more and more as the story goes on, and that is both good and bad. Flowery language (I have also heard it referred to as "purple prose") is a double edged sword: marvellous at trouncing baddies when used correctly, but one mistake and you risk decapitating yourself.
You have used it very nicely in several occasion. For example, in chapter eleven:
"Destiny has a way of circling on a person, and there was no way to avoid it." - Marvellous
And again in chapter fifteen:
"Weakly, she released the tension in her hands at the pendant of the Element of Fire fell out and into the desolate grey sand."
It's the last three words that I particularly enjoyed. Simple yet eloquent.
However, you do occasionally lose control of it, and I found the results to be rather odd.
For example, chapter fourteen:
"Evline said to herself after she had shook herself in a position of slender attentiveness again."
I'm not really certain what slender attentiveness is. I'm sure it's lovely, but I can't quite imagine it.
Or in chapter fifteen:
"Evline spoke with luminous words, thoughtfully speaking."
It becomes a tad ridiculous sounding, which is a shame, as many of your other descriptions have been lovely. My best advice for this is, you guessed it, proof reading. Really have a look at what is written and ask yourself: "Do I actually believe that? Do I take that description seriously, pulling it out on it's own with no context around it to draw upon?"
I'd be careful not to uver-use words, particularly more than once within a sentence. Stuff like "the" can be sort of smuggled in without being noticed, but this one line in particular seemed really quite awkward to me:
"the 10th Element managed to direct the bolt in another direction where it hit the sidewalk quickly, then disappeared, leaving nothing more then a small black spot on the sidewalk."
Sidewalk is not a word that can be hidden twice in the one sentence without becoming monotonous, perhaps you could use a word like "pavement" instead?
I liked the stone tapestry sections in chapter eleven, although I wasn't sure about the style it was written in. It seemed awfully informal for an ancient prophecy, I would have attempted to make it a little more archaic sounding, just for effect. (Archaic prophecies are awfully impressive, you can pull them out like good silverware...and that has to be the most rubbish simile in the world...I apologise. I was just re-watching the Christmas Doctor Who episode, and as a result I'm feeling rather expasive and ...well...fruity. Like a satsuma...heheheh...nevermind...)
I was a little unconvinced in Chapter Twelve by the character's reactions to the desolate wasteland which used to be their home. They seemed on the whole rather unbothered by it all, and I would have thought they'd be a little more traumatised. However, they seemed a lot more realistic in chapter thirteen, so you could probably get away with putting it down to shock *grin*
Chapter fourteen - I don't have a comment to make on the chapter, but in response to the writer's note at the start: TEEN TITANS ROCKS! I love it so much. (lol)
Sorry. Moving on. D
It's going marvellously, and the tension is steadily growing. I think you've done really well to keep it going, and I'm really looking forward to see how it ends up.
I'm still curious as to how each of the elements gets their amulets in the first place...will that be revealed before the end?
(Hopefully I'll be updating Tempest Team soon, once I get time to read through and edit the next chapter. I'm sure it will be up before the New Year...in fact, I promise it will, even if I have to stay up till three to make sure it gets done.)
Hope you've had a good Christmas and are feeling refreshed and ready to give that final push and finish you story D
| Anya Tempest 12/23/05 . chapter 10
I'm now at chapter ten - sorry it took me a while. Last week of school before Christmas holidays can be rather hectic.
I like the plot twists that have appeared over the past five chapters. Blaze in particular I thought was awesome. Your characters have grown on me even more, particularly individuals such as Allen and Cedric.
The start of chapter ten was awesome - you had the character interaction done just lovely, well done.
I picked up on the same things I mentioned before - random words being used wrongly and stuff, but they could merely be proof-reading errors, so I won't list them all. (If you do want a list you could perhaps email me or something, but that's entirely up to you.)
I'll continue reading with great anticipation, and I'll get back to you when I reach chapter fifteen D
| WyrdWolf 12/20/05 . chapter 15
Ah! Evline! Erg, if she dies it'd be a nice addition but then again, she'd DIE. Oh, I dunno. I hope she's alright.
As for your constructive criticsm request:The sentence 'Evline, child, your psychic powers are created this for you.' is confusing. I don't know if 'are' should be 'have', or if it should be something like 'your powers are created for this.'
Also, in the sentence 'But...wouldn't the same thing of happened...' 'of' should be 'have', or lose the 'of' and make 'would' 'would've'.
One chapter left, right? Agh! Tense! Good job, though. I greatly anticipate the end!
| Anya Tempest 12/20/05 . chapter 5
I'm not gonna review every chapter, probably just again at around chapter ten and then at your most recent one. I know it means you get less reviews overall, but it also means I read it faster *grin*. If your story was shorter I'd have read all the way to the end before giving you feedback, but I want to let you know that I am reading it, even if I don't finish it for a day or two. Anyway, on to the feedback!
I'll start off with my critiques. Most, no, all of them are to do with the technical aspects of your writing eg. grammar, spelling etc. (Which is good - these areas are easier to improve on than characterisation D )
You use the word "to" instead of "too" quite often. "To" is in related to journeying or linking from one position to another eg. "We all went to the zoo" or "She went from strength to strength". "Too" is in relation to an excess quantity: "He had too much to eat" or "Blaze was too sneaky for the team to defeat"
I've also noticed that you occasionally mix up "than" and "then". "Than" is in comparison: "Lexsis is younger than Thor". "Then" is more related to time: "He ran out of ammo, then was engulfed by the army of munchkins" (Please don't mock my ridiculous examples, I know they're ridiculous but I'm making them up on the spot)
One other thing you should be careful of is keeping your tenses consistent. Your story is written in the past tense, but you occasionally come out with lines like "Lexsis can shoot lightning from her hands", which is written in the present tense. To be consistent, it should be something more like "Lexsis could shoot lightning from her hands".
You seem to sometimes insert random words, like "in" instead of "and", and even miss out words completely at times. I don't know whether this is just because you've been editing lines and changing things, but I would suggest you read everything through carefully before updating, perhaps even printing it out. Errors are easier to pick up on paper than on a computer screen. Another effective way to check for errors is to et a beta reader - someone to look over your work for little errors in spelling etc. My big brother is my beta reader, and he does a really great job, picking up on things I would never have noticed. (The best thing about beta readers is that THEY do most of the work, leaving you with more free time to write...heeheehee...)
Anyway, moving on. In this chapter were the first two times I've noticed a misuse of words or phrases in your work. When the scientist woman, Rae, is talking, she says that the beam effect is "not temporaray".
Temporary lasts for limited and short amount of time
Permanent lasts forever, will not change and cannot be undone
I think you made a mistake here. The line should either be "Not permanent", or "Only temporaray".
She also says: "I'm chuck full of surprises", and the word should be "chock", as it comes from the phrase "chock-a-block" meaning "jammed tightly together".
Phew. Critique done. Sorry if it sounds over critical, but these areas are something you can improve on quite easily and quickly. I think I must be some kind of grammar nut...whenever I proof-read Red Phoenix's work I get out my wee red biro pen and start circling here there and everywhere...and my big brother does that to my Tempest Team drafts...hmm...maybe it's genetic...
Urk. Sorry, I'm off on a tangeant again. Back to business.
The technicalities are really the only thing I've noticed that you could improve on. You write dialogue very skillfully, and it comes across as very natural and flowing (Something that is often hard to achieve, so well done!). Your characterisation is also very nice, and from your detailed descriptions you obviously have a very clear picture in your head about what your characters and settings look like.
(Setting description is possibly my own Achilles heel. I had to make a point of going through all the first drafts of my Tempest Team issues and inserting descriptions of people and places, as my brother pointed out that he only knew what stuff looked like because he'd already seen my sketches of the team)
So, two thumbs up for your clarity of description. (Though I would suggest toning down the descriptions of clothes. You can give a basic description, but most people wear different clothes each day, and so giving details about their shoes is a little irrelevant. Using Blaze as an example, you could have only really went into detail when describing his eyes and hair, perhaps adding in he was dressed in red and black, but not going into any more depth. Too much description of clothing can sometimes clog up your story and slow down the pace, when it would be best to keep going)
There I go again! I apologise, I find it very difficult to leave short reviews, which is why I don't review every chapter.
I am really interested in where you're going with this. One question I have is how each of them got their amulets. It's all very curious...
So far my favourite character is a toss-up between Lexsis, Crush, and Allen. (Though Cedric's power rocks!).
I'll keep on reading, see you at about chapter ten!
(By the way, thanks so much for yuor feedback on my story, it really brightened up my day.)
I hope you found this review helpful D
| WyrdWolf 12/18/05 . chapter 14
This was great - a nice buildup of tension. Can't wait for the rest!
| WyrdWolf 12/2/05 . chapter 13
Hey, sorry it took me so long, but I wanted to read the whole thing rather than post 13 different reviews.
The story - plot, charcters and writing - is great. It's an awesome story (hell, NOVEL) that kept me interested throughout. The twist in chapter eight was great, Blaze the good guy. Truthfully, my favorite character was Lelu. I like her attitude - it's so much like Starfire's from Teen Titans (not saying you copied it).
The only criticism I post is about the numerous fight scenes. They were good, but the thing is that if a fight scene is too long and detailed, it can get kind of confusing. It's easier and more effective if it is more straightforward, rather than adding too much information. But, if that isn't your style, I'm not one to judge.
Can't wait for the next chapter (no pressure). :)
| huntress3484 11/27/05 . chapter 12
12 chapters of a great story. Sorry it took me so long to read it all. Soo much work, faulty internet connections, and many other excuses. :) But this is a great story and I would love to see more.
| huntress3484 11/27/05 . chapter 10
Well, I know where you got the title from now. I like this chapter.
| huntress3484 11/13/05 . chapter 9
Great. I like the Thor-and-Evline in this chapter.
Only three more chapters...
| huntress3484 11/13/05 . chapter 7
Great!. I shall read on.