   Nature's Glory 2007-05-18 . chapter 1Hey, look, don't listen to Zeranova. Apparently s/he forgot what a peom is about, and that is for yourself. A poem is supposed to be about yourself, not stupid meters and rhyme schemes. That's just to keep stupid people from becoming bored with poems.
You did exactly what you were supposed to in this poem. You enjoyed writing it too, I can tell (even though you've told me a millions times you hate writing poetry), not to mention a few other people have liked it tooDon't take what Zeranova said to heart, you don't plan on making poetry your profession (you've yelled at me about that often enough!) so don't try to kill yourself with it; have fun! |
 Zeronova 2005-11-14 . chapter 1Immediately, I recognize a very inappropriate rhyme scheme. ABCB is very odd, especially when you don't use stanzas to seperate the poem. What's the purpose of rhyming to this poem's impact, besides sounding good? The two un-rhymed lines make it very choppy, as well as no stanzas letting the reader pause to grasp the rhyme scheme. You need better organization.
The sentences go sometimes one line, then two, then three. Rule of thumb is to use consistent punctuation when writing in straight form, but then again, this should have been cut by stanzas in the rhyme scheme, and the sentences should have reflected four line stanzas (none of which happened).
There's no meter. Simply said, you use no form of meter or scheme. It's just words thrown onto paper with little to no cohesion, besides the inappropriate rhyme scheme.
As for the content, well, it's elucidated early, then muddled later. You're lying down to watch the stars, obviously, and your mind goes wandering. That's fine for a poem, but here's the problem: it wanders. Sounds contradictive, huh? Here's the point. A poem is supposed to be sweet and to the point, highlighting one aspect or one central theme exclusively to make it powerful. Yours jumps around wildly. Embossing is usually something one does to a stone, not linen.
Keep tense in the same. Butterflies flutter, not fluttering. Are you being ripped, or ripping? Are you calling back on this or is it happening? This may be a foggy, dream-like attempt by you, but it's ill-concieved in grammatical error.
What does the tribal march have anything to do with the poem? It doesn't. You're trying to use sensory images (sound) in a poem about emotion. Don't mix style. What is the central emotion of the poem? You're sad because of a lost love, I assume. If it's about love, why do you wonder about death, or butterflies singing a chaotic song, or anything? All of this feels superficial in trying to evoke an emotional tone, one which is hardly elegant or believable by jumpy details. It may sound good in your head, but poetry is all about mechanics. It's very intricate and gritty to get everytihng just right. This poem could be a quarter the size and much better, but you opted instead to use a ton of words, un-needed parallels, a sort of parallax scroll for your emotions and un-warranted Greek mythology, etc. It's like you wanted to sound frilly, poetic, and emphatic, but did so all without any rhyme or reason. This poem exists "just because", as do all of the un-necessary extras. |
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