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| Alankria 2005-06-08 ch 1,  | abuseSome errors/problems here... - 'All the remains of her eyes' ought to be 'All *that* remains of her eyes'. - In the paragraph above that, you say, 'Before I can respond, though, she levers herself up on the bed.' The 'though' breaks up the wonderful flow that otherwise exists in your prose. I think that sentence would be better without it. - 'But then there is a twinge of pain that suddenly intensifies ten fold as she sinks her teeth into my flesh, wetting her parched mouth on my lifeblood'... 'Lifeblood' sounds a little silly, I think it would be a little more sinister as just 'blood'. - '...a poignant of why I suffer this perpetual torment at my lover’s hands...' This clause makes you sense, due to your incorrent usage of 'poignant', which is an adjective but it not being used as such here. Maybe you're missing another word, like reminder ie: '...a poignant reminder...' Other than that I saw nothing other than another great story. This is of a remarkably different flavour to the humour ones, therefore showing your ability to write in many genres and with more than one authorial voice. The prose flows beautifully and your descriptions are awfully vivid. Whilst this doesn't have a twist at the end it does have a brilliant conclusion, which works just as well. It's also an intriguing story- I wonder, when you mention that his shrink says he's created a slightly alternative reality, what the real reality was. |
| Arkash 2005-05-24 ch 1, | abuseThis is deep, if a bit disturbing. It shows how the human mind can conjure up practically anything. It reads like insanity, yet the character seems in possession of his faculties. You had done a good job with this. There's only one error I've found."...I'm here killed her..."-it doesn't quite make sense. |
| Venustas iaceo 2005-05-16 ch 1, | abuse*stares at you with with my mouth hanging open* I--...*speechless* x.x Mr. Wilhoit you have made my favorites. This is ... horribly beautiful. I mean-- Wow. Just...wow. Some of your sentenaces could be strucked better, but even still..this was just...wow! |