Greetings! I'm frustrated with my work, so I'm wandering around on Fictionpress. I stumbled across this and it looks interesting, so I'll give it a shot. I'll comment as I read, so everything will be in order.

1.) "Rebeka McCail sat in the appointing ceremony" -- This is kind of picky, but you don't normally sit "in" a ceremony. You might "sit in on" or "sit at" a ceremony, though...

2.) "she remembered how the two of them had teamed up on her earlier that week" -- Be clear about who "the two of them" are here. It takes several readings to understand you're (I hope) talking about the Senator and the President. Also, is her dad the senator, or the senator's husband? Be clear.

3.) As President of the US, I wouldn't think it'd be hard to find a body guard for your niece. Maybe not a perfect one, but frankly, he COULD just order someone to do it, I suspect. The reaction of the guards seems like it would be very insulting to the President, and I can't believe there are too many people who would want to tick him off, if you know what I mean.

Alrighty. Right now, I don't have much of an impression of what Rebeka is really like, which is a Bad Thing. She seems like a spoiled brat, more than anything else, and I'm not sure that's the impression you mean to give. It doesn't sound like she's scared or untrusting or even just independent, but rather that she hates everyone, including her uncle and father, and has no desire whatsoever to fit in. The insulting comments she made into the microphone show this clearly, as does her beating up of people who haven't done anything to her. Are you sure that's the impression you want to give of her? If not, either change her behavior or else have her rationalize it.

Oh, and how old is Rebeka, anyhow? Giving a few details on her background would be extremely helpful and might make the reader understand her responses to the guards better.

I think that's about it. I can't give much of an analysis of the plot yet, of course, since this is just a short first chapter. Good luck! --Ruatha

Hey. Finally got 'round to this. Stuff's changed.

I'm bored and I need to bug someone. Where are you, oh sister of mine? Did my compy eat you? I hope not. Anyway, as a note, I posted One and Two of SR. Which you've already read. Anyway.

So, chapter four. Hmm. One thing, or so.

"man, the" Should be "man. The" based on the sentence.

"The man in front behind Rebeka" hmm. hmm. Not confusing, but not quite easy. A bit awkward.

Hmm. Otherwise...

Why didn't you warn me you'd updated? I thought I had you on my alert list but I must have been wrong. I'll have to fix that. Now. I'll bug you later this weekend. *I'd have thought you'd be online, but that's be logical. So of course you're offline.*

BB- Arej

As I go,

"Steve gestured to a man standing in an elegant suit." - from this, I thought that the guy was close by, i.e. within hearing range. :) But he can't have been since Rebeka made her type of comments. You might want to just add a little bit on Steve's gesture, like 'Steve gestured to a man in an elegant suit, standing across the room'. Lol, or something hopefully better then that.

"“They way he’s dressed,..." 'They' should be 'the'.

Lol, I like the little message Alex leaves for Rebeka. :D That could certainly be misconstrued. :P

"When she began to laugh, the man went into such a frenzy that Lamar and Krys didn’t notice a black sedan pull into the parking lot or the man storm out of it." - maybe 'or the man that stormed out of it' would sound better? Just a thought.

Lol, this next part is going to be great.

Lol, hahaha, I KNEW that they would take him seriously.

*Sniff* the... last chapter... *sniff* No more chappies to read... there's only one thing I can say...

UPDATE NOW!!

I'll be waiting for those new chapters... :D

Good stuff. And some CRAZY developments! Wow, what happened to her? Nice job of bringing that out. Now I'm going to be thinking about this for the rest of the day...

I hate nightmares. Heh, who doesn't, huh. Well now I especially hate them. :P

Well, I'm supposed to be studying for my midterm, but I got a few spare seconds here. So OF COURSE I'l use'em to review your story!

Lol, that's right.

"With the balance and agility if a cat, she ran across the limb and leapt onto a higher branch. " - I think 'if' should be 'of'.

Wow, those two well-matched. Both are incredibly skilled. And do I detect a possible romance between Rebeka and Alex? :P

I don't know when I'll be able to review again, but keep it coming. Only two more chapters to read and then I'll be OUT OF ICY READING MATERIAL!!

And we don't want that to happen, do we? SO WRITE MORE NOW!

Lol that looks weird.

Ow! Lol, I could almost feel that kick myself... yeesh... for a second I thought she'd kept her heels on for it, then read it over again.

Good stuff! I wonder what attack that Rebeka was referring to (she's nasty-cool, by the way. :P Slick!). I guess I'll learn about it in the chapters to come.

Lol. Anyway, hope to read on... TOMORROW. :D Getting late around here.

I am enjoying this story a lot. Most of that fact has to do with Rebeka. You have created a rather cool character who can shoot, kick butt and shoot out scarcastic remarks. Well done. I also like the fact that underneath her independant,tough front she has a vunerable side. What secret is she trying to protect? Alex is a good character too. I admire the fact he won't let her bully him, can be caring but won't give up on his job either. I like Kara but I don't know if I should trust her. Robert's pie obsession annoyed me. The comment she made about her father not being her father was interesting. I am thinking that maybe there is more to Steve and the workers protection than she is letting on. The mix up was funny though. But I wish Alex had got beaten up. I like how people underestimate her fighting, stength and brains- and the joy she feels when she proves them wrong. Hope you update soon, luv Kaitx

Hmm. Another interesting chapter. However, this chapter didn't seem to move the story forwards a great deal, though it did seem to hint at something- so hopefully the next chapter will move forwards more. I am interested in where this is going, so write more soon.

Most intriguing, my dear. You really do make the reader want to read on, to find out what's going on. This chapter drops a lot of clues: her mood, the blackmail, the nightmare. I hope you update soon.

I caught one error. Where you say the room was 'on the other side of the house as Rebeka’s room' you should say the room was 'on the other side of the house to Rebeka's room'. That was all.

And now for my lame plug: check out the new chapter of 'rowan park'.

Oh most intriguing. I really am beginning to like Rebeka, and I'm glad you're beginning to hint at the reasons why she's like that rather than just having badass woman for no reason. I look forward to finding out more, which means... WRITE MORE!! Btw, have updated 'rowan park' again :D

You annoying little pain in the **, I swear if you don't write more I am going to personally hunt you down and smash your useless mind against the walls of the book room!

Okay. Amending, now. You'er still annoying, but not as little. amd it won't be hard to hunt you down because I know where you live. Your mind is not useless, and I wouldn't really smash your mind brains againt the book room walls. I promise. I love you, little sister.

Little sister.

Ha! Anyway. WRITE MORE! Or at least do what I did and keep an updated list of what you have finished. Please. Because I won't see you anytime soon to bug you, so I must do all my bugging online or over the phone.

BB- Arej

I like.

Rebeka kicks ** (literally it would seem). I hate guys who think girls are weak, so go Rebeka for fighting back. I think you'd like my character Raychel in my story 'Rebel Heart' (ah the art of subtlety...), she likes to kick ** too.

One bit I REALLY liked was when you described what Rebeka was wearing, and said her legs were 'sheathed' with long slacks. I thought that was a wonderful word to use, it tells me something about Rebeka ie She's the kinda person who sheaths herself in clothing.

I must say, I am most intrigued. You are going to have to write more now. Of this story and the other one. I hope that this is the beginning of the duel - I love the idea of two wonderful authors battling out who can write the most :D It means I get to read lots of good stuff.

There. I have reviewed you. Now you must review me :D

Alankria