I think the story's pretty good so far. There are a few trouble spots that could've been caught on a read through (such as using wrote rather than written in the first line of the story). But generally, I like it. Keep it up!

Oh, I like it! (I'm Oboegeek from Gaia, by the way). I suck at critiques... the only thing I do is attack grammar and my own is next to horrible... and the three grammar things I know didn't show up, so good job! I look forward to the next chapter. This is very well-written.

*grins* I like this. Keep on writing.