Reviews for Knights of Nemian

Reviews For: Knights of Nemian

DigitalScripter 2008-05-06 ch 1,	abuseLike someone said more descriptions would help out and I feel that your lacking that opening hook. You've clearly worked ** your story and I think with some revising you could see alot more reviews. Work on a good opening hook, it's the most important selling point of your story.
Emilyne Willowar 2008-05-06 ch 1,	abuseI liked how you incorporated the things that have already happened in with the actual thread of the story as it's happening now, though I'd watch out for giving out too much information; you could give it out more slowly, and that would probably be better.
Aliska Snoak 2008-03-22 ch 1,	abuseI find your story interesting and will read more soon:) I agree with the person who reviewed your story though. I think it would benefit from a little more description. There's also something that made me wonder about Elaine: the idea that she has to put up with the woman in her own flat. Something is missing there i think. All i kept thinking was that it just wasn't realistic, why would someone just let a stranger stay? She could have called the police,for ex. Anyway, it only needs a little more detail!
arbalest636 2008-03-17 ch 31,	abuseVery interesting... I like it! hmm... wonder what's gonna happen next?
Wolf Princess Of Darkness 2008-03-16 ch 1, anon.	abuseI really like your story. It's interesting I'll be reading the rest Hey, is fictionpress just for your original stories? I hope you PM me as I'd love to be friends. I was wandering, may you please review my story, The stone of Orillium? Thanks
MoonfireSpam23 2008-01-28 ch 1,	abuseMkay... First think we need to look at is your summary. You have: The story of eight people brought together in a place they never would have dreamed existed. In the process of being rewritten. Slowly. That is not interesting enough. You should want your summary to be as interesting as possible, so anyone will look at it and think it will be the best story ever! And son't bother with "The story of...". I should hope it's a story. Trust me- leaving that part out gives you more characters to use so you can make a longer summary. Now for the actual story... Ugh, rewrites. I feel your pain- my main story is under a rewrite. I'll be a bit more picky than I usually am so I can help you with it. The hook is good. I wouldn't change too much about it except use that as an opportunity to use more description of Elaine. Foe example: Elaine was lying on the floor, staring blankly at the white walls surrounding her; her golden blonde hair lay in waves around her. I don't suggest actually using that (for some reason it takes away from the beginning to me), but I hope it gets my point across. Why was the woman strange? Give more about her. She had purple hair – had been dying her hair purple since the ninth grade. I would make it: She had purple hair, as she had been dying her hair like that since the ninth grade. And then say why. Then, neither was belonging to another planet. Don't know what you meant by that. Someone coughed in the next room. Have her do something rather than just saying that a person coughed. A week ago the strange woman had finally confronted her. She called herself Tia, and she wasn’t alone. She had brought a young man with her. His name was Nate, and he looked to be about the same age as Elaine, and just as uncomfortable. After forcing herself into Elaine’s apartment the woman had told Elaine her story. I guess you know this already, but give more detail about them. Elaine had repeated herself. The woman just shook her head. The man opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted by the woman. “I can not leave without the four souls.” She said. Should be: Elaine had repeated herself. The woman just shook her head. The man opened his mouth to say something, but he was interrupted by the woman. “I can not leave without the four souls,” she had said. And if she wasn’t really born on Earth, wouldn't that mean that her parents weren’t really her parents? NEVER start a sentence with and or because, unless it's a thought. Same problem as before: “Come in,” she called. Put a comma after the speaking. The ending sounded very rushed. Here's a tip I've been giving out (and trying as hard as I can to follow myself). Whenever someone speaks, don't immediantly move to the next speaker. Add on to what the person is doing. For example: "No," she muttered, staring at the floor. Anna could almost feel her companion's gaze going straight through her as Seth stood up and silently walked away. He turned suddenly and spoke again. I hope I didn't sound too picky, but I saw that this is under rewrite and couldn't help but take pity on you. Having to do a rewrite SUCKS!
clair-a-net 2005-08-21 ch 3,	abusethat doesn't ound good the little innocent is causing trouble. hope every thing works out and hat happends to the souls onces they are no longer needed?
clair-a-net 2005-08-20 ch 1,	abusethis is a cool story but what is with the girl not likeing people touching her

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