Nice twist.

OK, I have two favorite words from this chapter: "clarion" & "sibilant". I'm impressed. Dialogue is good, situation between two people who have just met is unlikely. Otherwise, quite good.

"coruscating", o... I'm impressed. This is my favorite word in this chapter. You could be a tad more descriptive, if it is true that you desire to publish this work outside the virtual realm. You have plunged your readers into the middle of a strange battlefield, and the angst between the two protagonists is well done...

This was a really good chapter! I really liked that you introduced Harlan into the story. He is a very interesting character. The tension between him and Hage is really done well. And you ended the chapter wonderfully.

I really liked the first part of this chapter. It cleared up several questions that I had in a logical way. I am quite intrigued by Hage...I like the way that you haven't said all that much about him or about his ultimate goals yet. Just one critique: this chapter seems to end too suddenly, in the middle of a conversation, without being exactly a cliffhanger, either.

Hmm, one criticism that I can see is that you seem to overemphasize some things a bit.

"In one swift stroke, High Lord Ilantar Telthurin drew his blade down across the chest of his wretched enemy, cleaving its impure flesh and staining the earth with its lifeblood."

"Wretched" AND "Impure"? That feels like overdoing it, even if Ilantar does think of his opponent as an evil bastard. Simply saying "his enemy" instead of his "wretched" and "impure" enemy would get the same point across, but would feel less cheesy.

"He felt alive."

This is a cool sentence--nice and simple, but very to-the-point. Really conveyed Ilantar's feelings well.

Uh, reading on--I would be careful not to sound *too* much like Tolkien if I were you. It's evident that Tolkien has inspired you, but the "Enemy", "Marduk" sounds a little much like Tolkien's "Melkor", no? I'm not accusing you of plagiarism--I know it's more of an inspiration thing, but I think you might want to keep your characters and names sounding original and fresh. I'm sorry, but when I saw "Enemy" and "Marduk", I immediately thought of Melkor.

" As Ilantar watched helplessly, the Bale Fiend used its dark crafts to engulf scores of Ilien warriors in flame while it strode through the warring masses, impaling, crushing and dismembering at its leisure.

Ezalior sang, and Ilantar leapt into battle. "

If Ilantar can leap into battle at any point that he wishes, then why does he wait until after the Bale Fiend has kicked the asses of a bunch of his people? This does not quite make sense to me. Maybe I missed something.

"black, smoking ichor " --In mythology, ichor is the blood of the angels. It seems weird that a demon is bleeding ichor. "Ichor" is not a good word to use, in my opinion. It just sounds kind of pretentious and melodramatic. Ursula K Le Guin had some choice words for this particular term. Yeah. Just plain old "blood" would work much better, I think.

"fallen giant struggled to raise its hulking body" --Two words implying that it is very large. Since you just mentioned that the creature was a "giant", "hulking" seems kind of unnecessary.

Don't think that my criticisms mean that I don't like the story. It was good, criticisms aside. I would suggest cutting some of the early description and condensing your narrative in a "tighter" story, but otherwise, the characters are interesting, and I hope to see more development of Ilantar and Salyn.

Finally! I found the time to review. Thank you so much for your review, and I'm very sorry I haven't reviewed sooner. As it is, I can only review this first chapter, so I'm going to give it all I got.

First, beautiful imagery. It was very well-written, and I could see the picture you were painting with words very clearly. However, you might want to watch - you overdid it a little in some areas. Really, though, I'm very impressed.

Second, the plot is too awesome. Seriously. I'm amazed you thought this up - the names are very spectacular and interesting. The dialogue is very smooth, and well-written.

Really, that's all I have right now. I spotted no grammatical and spelling errors, but even if I did I wouldn't have named them all because I think it's petty to list every mistake you have.

Wonderful story, and when I get the chance, I will *definitely* read more!

Interesting. I must admit, it's impressive you've written so much in ten days.I find it rather annoying that you redo bits of the last chapter. It' nice to see what's happening in the other person's mind, but it CAN be a bit tedious to reread things.It's pretty damn good, though. The chara's have been developed nicely, although I'm a bit disappointed that you didn't describe Valis at first. I mean, for a while, I thought his hair was brown!Keep it up--my interest has been piqued. May inspiration stay with you and your updates be swift.

Intriguing. I like the way you opened with the battlefield, very vivid descriptions. Of course, I wonder how he can use such powerful magic and not be worn out by it...

Hmm, interesting. The only comment I might have was that after building up the longer prologue with the first two parts to it, the bit about Lazael being betrayed comes without any warning, whatsoever, and completely changes the reader's expectations of what's to follow, plot-wise.

Perhaps have some hint of this betrayal in the second part of the prologue, when Ilantar and Asharadoth are 'discussing' it?

Hmm! A very exciting interlude.

One thing that doesn't make sense, though--when Asharadoth is chanting to conjure lightning, Ilantar just stands there. Waiting with dread doesn't really seem to be his way..and it's actually rather stupid. The Devourer is off-guard while he's preparing some demonic spell; why doesn't Ilantar take advantage of that?

Well, I thought that was splendid. You have a wonderful story here, and I hope that you continue it. I know, it is a pain in the butt when people don't comment on your story, but somehow one gets through it. To me, the prologue didn't need much tweaking, but since it is yours, do what you may.I only have one question. Are Valis and Lithiel Elves? I also love the names in this story.Cheers.

L.M.

That was indeed a shortish chapter, so I don't have much to say. Just I am still reading, and good job.

Hmm. A very nice start (especially with the differences between the two races). The one comment I might have is that in some paragraphs, you start with nouns a bit too much (I've got a guide written out that covers this in great detail--'Writing with Diversity'--so I'll just point out an example):

The demon’s smouldering eyes flared with anger, but Ilantar was undaunted by its burning gaze. With a triumphant shout he forced back the Bale Fiend’s sword, staggering the creature as he darted forwards, thrusting, piercing its side with the bright flame of Ezalior. The Fiend’s fury was now absolute, as its black, smoking ichor fell in thick droplets to the barren earth. With a tremendous sweep of its wings it lifted into the air, summoning the power of its unholy magic. Its thunderous voice spoke incantations in the foul language of the North, as its talons formed the seals of power to complete the spell. The demon drew breath, and released an infernal plume of white-hot flame to the ground that swept outwards, turning the air to liquid fire and incinerating those unable to flee.

The other thing, is that when Ilantar is asking Salyn her name, she's referred to as 'she' several times in a row..normally, this wouldn't be too obvious, but it sort of stood out at me since it's dialogue, with seperate paragraphs. That could just be me being nitpicky, though.

Oh, you start a paragraph with 'As they/As the' twice in a row; the first time is 'As they approached the battlefield, Ilantar quickened the pace rapidly..'

Overall, though--wow! I'll see if I can find anything else as I read on!

I'm not having a good feeling about this... Good chapter, though. It's definitely getting darker. I'm intrigued as to what the voice comes from. I have one small suggestion: putting the names of spells (such as tranquil globe) in italics is a little bit distracting. I did like the revised recap that you put in better than the first version. It explained a lot more.