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| Cemetary Gates 2005-06-18 ch 1,   | This poem would have more punch if it were much more focused on the comparing this experience of a breakup to that of a lone, dirty, damb, cold, unknown cavern. It wanders away from this comparision and becomes slightly abstract, taking away from what it could be. Here's a few suggestions: "And its like I can't function without you guiding me." From this line, you could possibly add another line or two about how this relationship was a light/guide in the dark cavern - e.g. "The light from your eyes shone like a guide in the dark recesses" |
| miss me4h 2005-06-18 ch 1, | its very sad |