Your rhymes sound way too forced and self-conscious.

Wow, that was actually pretty good. I don't read poetry much, but I thought this was good. Nice rhyming and such, I've always had a hard time making rhymes in my poems.

Nice and bitter, perhaps appropriately so. Borders on the edge of nursing a chip on the shoulder or holding a pointless grudge, but the ending saves it. Not the best poem I've read on this site; it could stand some cleanup and a little less use of cliches. However, it's certainly not the worst, either. A solid effort.

He Who Walks On All Fours

Wow. I love the tone, the voice, everything about this poem is superb. The last stanza is wonderful too. Brings a great close to a great piece of art. Keep going!

OMG this is freakin powerful. I can honestly think of nothing with this much emotion that I have seen recently, and applaud you. *claps* This is brilliant. My mind is churning furiously. I love stuff that makes me think.