 dragonflydreamer 2008-05-07 . chapter 1Congrats on winning the Review Marathon! Here is your prize review!
This was a very lovely story. The combination of the title and the summary, for starters, was perfect. You did a very good job of catching the reader's attention while not giving them information, so they want to read it to find out what it's about. However, once I read it, I realized how well it summarizes your story, so it's a great title/summary all around.
Your descriptions, both introsoctional and literal, were written very beautifully. Your descriptions in the first paragraph especially stood out in my mind. It amazes me how you can balance a physical descritption and an emotional description of a character so well.
I don't mean to be nitpicky, but I can't find any major things you could imrove in this. Hmm... the wording of "It's not anything worth mentioning..." seemed a bit pointless to me. If it's not worth mentioning, then don't mention it. If it is worth mentioning, don't say that it isn't. It just seemed to break the flow of the writing by saying that.
The quality of this story simply blew my mind. I'd love to see some of your other works! I'll be sure to check them out when I'm done giving reviews. I hope to see you when the May RM comes around! |
 Nemonus 2006-06-12 . chapter 1Wow! How very nice and interesting! Your words are good. I like very much the line "She's lying in between the input and the output, and she's staring at the lit-up tornado in the ceiling." . Your surrealism; the first paragraph, the transparancy of the dream/reality girl, is very nicely done. Some sentances, expecially in the last and first few paragraphs, are clumsy, but everything else seriosuly makes up for it. I like your recurring theme of how what you want depends only on your point of view. The "thousands" is interesting, though I wouldn't have used it. The description of the room with the Post-It notes and 'no door' is both really cooland slightly creepy. Nicely done. (an invitation: if you want to rant about your stories I always like to get e-mails! Snerk.) |