FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Rai Kamishiro 2005-09-19 ch 2,  | abuseAlthough your story starts off a bit rachety, it seems to have a interesting bit of plot behind it. Beware of settling in to a common pace of words; it masks tention and makes things seem boring. I love the phrase "This is useless... they don’t know about communicating anymore..." work a bit on atmosphere. |
| Poisonheart4444 2005-07-14 ch 2, | abuseInteresting so far, but I think the whole thing would be better if you didn't jolt out the introductions to the characters. It seems a bit forced. Good diologe, though. |