The dream scene was really good; how you described it as him seeing as himself but also as someone watching him, I liked that--it was very realistically dream-like. Krystal is an interesting character, I'd like to know what's bothering her and how she broke her arm and... well, just more about her.

Good chapter, I liked the memory scene with the gang fight type thing--especially the explanation of Valis' strange looks. I'm also curious as to the significance of the dream, but that's obvious. Sorry for the short review, I'm short on time at the moment. Good job.

I like the journal-entry configuration of this chapter. I also like that it provides a good foundation for the story, draws you in. Which is what a prologue is supposed to do. It's well written; I especially liked the recurring dream and the ominous quality of it. Just one thing--and this may be me just being American--but is "capitol" the city or the legislative buildings? I always thought it was "capital" for the city... but anyway, good job. I'll definitely keep reading this.

I like the mystery surrounding Krystal, and the little hints, subtle and not too much so the reader is constantly guessing.

I can't believe I forgot about this story, I'm sorry. This is very readable, I like how it is progressing, with a bit of ambiguity mixed with some foreshadowing.

*pant* Oh my fucking God...I so...just read...that whole story...in one day...and now...I am...officially...exhausted...

Need coffee *twitch twitch*

Ha. Sorry.

Okay, so I have desperately been wanting to read this story in effing forever. The summary caught my attention--kudos to you for a well-written summary, don't you hate the ones that say 'i dont have a good summry plz R&R newayz'?

Your characterization is excellent; none of them are identical cardboard cut-outs. Each is HUMAN, with a unique distinction.

The plot itself is amazingly awesome. I love how you have unfolded (...is that a word??) it. Excellent job.

The only thing I can possibly suggest is MORE FLOWERY DESCRIPTION. I am a total stickler for detail...I love descriptions of colors and temperature and clothing and random things from cloud color to the breeze ripple pond water. Anything. It gives it character.

I like this story alot; I am royally pissed I have not read this before. I look forward to future updates.

P.S. Okay, okay, okay...I'll bite. Your bio is so cool. I'm in love with it. It's witty and it's nice to see another mouth that utters profanity.

"--a knockout blow. Immediately the screaming cut off and the mercurial shimmer went out of the halfblood's hair and eyes, leaving them grey and dull, as its' body went limp."

"Its'"? ITS'?

...why is there an apostraphe there?

I'm sorry. I know I'm overreacting, but you -do- know I hate you for not finish SD, don't you! Damn you!

...love Felix, though. It has to be the name. Ahh, Felix.

Other than that...'thunderstrike'? Sorry, but it comes off as rather...anime...to me...well, hey, so does the carbine somewhat, but that's just hilarious, so! Still, the 'thunderstrike' bugs me. Mmph.

...yes, despite your lovely writing, I am trying to be grumpy. You deserve it. And, by the way, you -really- need to start working on this again.

Come back from hiatus! You know you want to!

Oy, vey, this review is so fractured.

I really liked the explaination in this chapter. You managed to put it all in without being needlessly longwinded. I'm a bit worried about Valis...wanting to 'get his own back' doesn't seem like the best sign.

Wow. That was a very violent chapter, to say the least, but it was very good. I was very intrigued by Felix and Deveric and the sentinels. I liked how you gave Deveric good reasons for what he's doing, even though he's 'evil' (ie trying to kill the main character protagonist, although your summary has certainly not guaranteed that Valis will turn out 'good'.)

wow this chapter was graphic. I figured out a word to describe your story: raw. You have a lot of anger in here, and pure animal instinct during the fight scenes with all the description of blood. Raw and gritty. I liked it.

If I have to tell the truth though, I wasn't that fond of the repeated scene from a slightly different pov. It did add details in, but I think that you could have done it just as efficiently in one telling.

Glad that you're continuing this- for awhile I was wondering when you would come out with another chapter. then again, I've been so busy, sorry I haven't read it sooner. I'll try to get to the next one soon.

good job.

you know, Panz, this is damn good writing, and an imaginative plot, plus intriguing to read. It has really improved over the first one you wrote. I see no reason to dis yourself. we all grow bit by bit, not necessarily by leaps and bounds. cheers.

Well, DAMN! Fictionpress just ate my review.

Um, here's basically what I believe it contained:

- Overuse of 'he' as a sentence opener in the section just after the first and second paragraphs- '...he felt a tiny pressure on his intellect...'--don't you mean mind? Intellect is like intelligence (as far as I know), and you feel pressure on it when you're being quizzed, not when some telepathic being is communicating with you. -'...he had come to understand that they made no sound, and had no visibility, but what his overwhelmed mind imparted to them:...'--methinks the comma after 'visibility' just makes it awkward...-Cheers for the freaky teacher, however, Valis seemed to jump to the 'Who IS he' phase fairly quickly; it would seem more plausible that he wonder/gripe about gossips a bit more...-Also cheers for Harlan in the fight--but you're doing something dangerous with Valis, here: giving him previously unknown power that he 'instinctively' uses at a crucial time. This is one of the traits of a Marty Stu, and is (no offense)...a bit cliche. Sorry, trying not to be cruel, but...

Hmm, interesting development with both Harlan and Zakhov. And who's this 'Felix' person? When's he going to show up? Er...wait, there's another chapter after this.

All in all, very good, except for the mentioned above. Valis acting macho because he's terrified--amused!

I love the interaction between your characters. It comes off as so easy and natural that I'm sitting here biting my lip with envy.

Ahh, Liriel hates math? HERETIC! Although I can agree with the bit about boring math teachers...I've run through a few of those.

Oh-ho, manipulative Krystal. Hmm.

One overall comment--if I was Valis' mother, I'd make sure that they were sleeping in different rooms. I mean, come on...how hard would it be for Krystal to share a room with Liriel, or something? That's the part that just doesn't really make sense to me. Other than that...loved it. Very well done!

Loved this chapter! Very nice. Poor Valis. All I have to comment on is to make sure that you keep up the whole...inner suffering bit with Krystal. If she's got an awful life at home, then it -should- be affecting her regular outlook deeply...though, hiding it from others works fine. Um, that's not really a CC, so give me a moment to hunt one down.

(Particularily liked the 'Darling' incident, by the way!)

Aha, here we go:

'She spent an hour or so at a favourite spot, watching the glorious red-and-gold sunrise, an activity that long ago had formed a part of her daily routine—many years had passed since she had last done it.'

Now, it seems to me that Krystal gets up early fairly regularily; after all, she clearly hates her home and spends as much time as possible away from it (which probably had something to do with her wanting to go over to Valis' place, no?). However, this makes it sound like she never gets up to see the sunrise anymore...which doesn't really fit. Also, it's a bit confusing; at first I thought you meant that it had long ago -started- to form a part of her routine, and then I had to reread it a few more times after the second half. Um..yes. There's my little nit-pick for this chapter. I'll be reading on now, then...

Minas Tirith on crack? Oh, my...

Um, you do realize what the acronym that you're using for Sealing the Devourer usually stands for, right...?

Woah, their argument deteriorated quickly, eh? Hmm...you might want to lengthen it ought a bit...it sort of feels kind of 'Wha'-the-where'd-it-go?'

'Valis attempted unconvincingly to ignore her.'--Ah, what? Try replacing 'unconvincingly' with something else...trying to ignore someone implies you're hoping the effect works for everyone (yourself included), but unconvincingly implies for only the other person--at least in this case.

'It was a very valid point—he had taken to indulging in his own negative feelings and shutting out everyone else, even people who meant well. It had made him feel different, separate ...special, in a morbid sort of way.' I love this. I, um, think I'm going to go do some self-reflection now. It's something that everyone who's 'different' can relate to...well, if you're smart enough to get it.

On second thought, nah, I'll just keep reading.

'...the students now walking out across the grounds were wrapped tightly in their cloaks...' Well, damn, I wish I could wear a cloak in public like that. Cloaks are under-rated by the masses these days.

'The mage clans, of course, were secretive in the extreme...'--Sorry, just had to point out that I liked that bit, too. It's all a giant conspiracy...

'Valis increased his pace as the sun disappeared once more behind the dull grey clouds, unwilling to be caught in a downpour.'--careful with subject declaration here. It sounds like it's the sun not willing to be caught in the downpour, and I think it's meant to be Valis, no?

Oh, cheers for Harlan!

Wait...Valis is only a first-year senior? Okay, now I'm a bit confused about how old he is/how far along in his education...

Heh. I'm highly amused by this whole section with Harlan, Laura, and Valis. Very well done!

Uh-oh...the vial's broken. Well, could see that one coming. Poor Valis.