|Reviews for The Siege of Cion|
| amy s 12/15/05 . chapter 1
MORE MORE! I WANT MORE!
| FurballofEvilness 8/9/05 . chapter 2
Lessen up on the info, but instead draw it out slowly. Use hints to help people bring their own conclusion. Just because this is a diary doesn't mean it has to read like a diary.
Beware of listing, like you did in the second paragraph. Instead over time introduce each character in his or her own personal way. Use dialog for exposition, for god's sake, use dialog period.
Since this is a diary, you could try having quirks of the character show up in their 'writing'. I.e. A character who enjoys nature might spend a little bit of their time describing the sunrise they had that morning. The way you are currently writing is reading as exposition.
I don't mean to be so hard on you, but I can see the potential you have if you just pay attention to the little details. Details is what makes writing fun anyway.
On the other side, I love how you write like it's being spoken. This adds a level of reality. Good job yo.
| FurballofEvilness 8/9/05 . chapter 1
Hm...you might want to spend a little bit more time on description. Try to draw things out a little, add some more dialog, add some suspence. This'll greatly help the reader's experience.
On the bright side the blips of description you had were quite nice. "He was slumped down, giving the illusion that he was a lot older then he was." Is a great line.
All and all, I think I shall read more.