FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| AntiChompist 2005-07-23 ch 1,   | Good story. The action was described very well. It was interesting to see two men of such equal strenth fighting. |
| The Ladies 2005-07-22 ch 1, | I'm afraid I must agree with the other two reviewers. This story would be a lot better if the format, grammer, punctuation, etc. were fixed. This story has the potential to be MUCH better. It was interesting enough that I slogged through its difficulties to read it through to the end. My biggest non-format-related objection is the incongruities ~ blue eyes AND trench coats AND wakizashis and katanas AND round houses AND mentions of solar plexuses don't belong in the same story. Your choice of language sometimes jarred me out of the flow of it. I think the level of dialogue/description is just fine as long as you get the plot moving in the next chapter. Oh, and lest the previous criticisms (which are intended to help!) confuse you, I did like this. |
| Ballerina with a Gun 2005-07-22 ch 1, | I agree with the other reviewer - it needs more dialogue. A lot more. Also, I suggest a beta - someone who you can send your works to so they can check over your grammar and fix it. I see a *lot* of errors that are glaringly obvious. The format also needs to be hugely revised - I can barely read it, crammed together as it is. In addition to all that, I also highly recommend adding description - the colors of the landscape, the ringing clang of metal against metal, the temperature of the environment, the sweat sliding down their faces...little things that add interesting characteristics to the story. As it is, you only state the obivious. Still...great potential. It'll be interesting to see where this is going. Keep writing! |
| Oni Starwind 2005-07-22 ch 1, | the discriptons and action were great. BUt i really dont see where this going. Due to all the fighting and not much diolouge. and it would help if you press the return key every once in a while. Overall i give this a 7. Keep up the good work. IF you update i will be back. |