   Nanners 2005-08-04 . chapter 1I'm wondering if you're going to continue this?
"Hollow had grown up so much since I moved out. It almost seemed dead." These conflict each other. Growing UP suggests change for the better. Instead of grown up, say grown old.
"It used to be so lively. It was now withered." Combine those two sentences, for the sake of flow, please.
"My old home had been devoured by flames. All that remained of my old home were ashes." I am very much against overuse of words, and you seem to have overused 'old home'. Can't you use a pronoun, or find a different way to refer to it?
"I preyed my family had escaped although I doubted it." Two things: 1.) Wrong preyed--it should be prayed. They have COMPLETELY different meanings. 2.) Why would she doubt it? Is the home very large, so that it would prevent one's escape? Explain this to us--we're not very smart sometimes.
"The only thing that remained untouched was a photo." Untouched? Fire touches all. Think about it.
"A photo in a wooden frame with my mother, my father and I sat on a bridge was untouched by the fire that had destroyed everything else." Ya lost me on this sentence. I just got really confused.
"I decided to put the picture with frame and all in the pocket of my jacket." The "I decided" in that sentence is obsolete. Kill it.
"I brushed away ashes in search of something more. I found nothing. I crouched over the ground, sweeping away ashes with the backside of my hand. I found nothing. Everything had perished in the great blaze." This paragraph is horribly redundant.
Alright, now that I've gotten that all out of my system...
Overall, this story was pretty good, but it could use a lot of work in the flow department. It's missing a definate style, it's almost as if you can't make up your mind about it. To fix that, I suggest reading it aloud and changing whatever sounds awkward in your ears.
But flow aside, it was an interesting story, and I enjoyed reading it. Are you going to continue it? |
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