Reviews for The Angel Isle - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: The Angel Isle

iamthedave 2007-05-29 ch 3,	abusehaven't been back here for a while. Sorry about that. I won't be a in-depth as usual I'm afraid; I hurt my arm recently and writing one handed just isn't the same. First thing, try to leep in mind the things which are selfevident and so don't need to be said. If someone gets swept out to see it's obvious they'll drown, and everyone who reads will know that. You start four paragraphs with 'Jerik'. It seems counter-intuitive that a race of flying creatures would make their homes on the ground in a wooded area. All that would do is hamper their wings. other than that it's okay, if not awesome. you over-explain at times, and the dialogue isn't unique. It doesn't feel like a separate culture. 'buzz off' and 'guy' are very strongly associated with our culture. the way they behave seems too familiar as well. for beings you've built so much mystery around they're not very mysterious
KuroKage1717 2007-05-23 ch 8,	abusevery different, but intriguing
iamthedave 2007-04-21 ch 2,	abuseBrief chapter this, so I can't say too much. Unfortunately it's not your best. It feels too rushed and the ending section is really lacking in development and tension. I think this needs to be longer, slower, and more in-depth. You've got a chance to show more about the town, so why not take it? -He looked quickly around the shop You've already said this in the previous sentence. Maybe try to rephrase a bit? -Then he set about getting supplies for his trip. Things have turned a bit... tell-y. You might want to focus more on the feelings he goes through while trying to do this. It sounds like he's taking huge risks, but it doesn't FEEL like it. I'd have thought the tension would start making him very jumpy, nervous and paranoid. -He was getting closer to Anja, about three-fourths of the way there, when suddenly a huge storm broke out. It began pouring, but that didn’t really bother Eric. WHAT? A 'huge storm' is panic stations for a MERCHANT SHIPPING VESSEL. Are you sure you MEAN that? This guy's in a dinghy, the way you describe it he'd be overboard in three seconds square. I'd suggest slowing the pace down and showing more about how this builds up. A storm at sea should be an intense event, a dramatic scene all of its own. Treat it like one. If you have time, please do R & R my stories
iamthedave 2006-12-17 ch 1,	abuseVery interesting story. You keep up the impression that he's looking at birds very well until you reveal that indeed he's looking at 'angelic' creatures. I think the choice of calling them Angels was unfortunate, though. Why would someone in a fantasy setting come up with the word 'Angel' to describe something? I'd imagine their language would be different to ours, or at least have different etymology. Remember, Angel isn't even an English word. I think it's based in Latin, originally. Either way, I think a unique word would have been better, since they don't seem to be Christian Angels in anyway, or really to be based on them. As it is you're inevitably going to cause those thoughts in your readers' mind. - "telescope. It wasn’t a particularly expensive or strong telescope, but it would serve his purpose. He set up the tripod and screwed the telescope on." Problems ariseth! A) You use the word 'telescope' three times in succession. B) I think 'expensive or strong' is a little weak. Just 'cheap' gets it over, I think, and uses less words. - "sunlight, with the early sun" More word repetition - "Eric fell backwards, and lurched forwards, hoping to regain balance. He was too far gone to save himself, but he did manage to grab a hold of the cliff top with one hand. He looked down and saw many rocks jutting out of the water below his dangling feet. His heart began to beat faster as he tried to pull himself up a little and get his other hand a strong enough handhold to get up onto solid ground. As he tried to do so, he felt his grip slip a little. He stopped moving and hung there, helpless" This feels a little... quiet from where I'm sitting. He's literally hanging on for life here, and he's only narrowly succeeding. I'd think a more urgent tone would be required. Focus ** the details, how the rock feels under his skin, how he's straining to hold on. As it is you continue the very calm feeling of the rest of the story and it jars. Please R & R my stories.
tenshi etc 2006-02-09 ch 1, anon.	abuseI like the new sentence better. :D Okay, so it would help if I really remembered what she said before. (BIG CHEESY GRIN)Gotta go. Bell is ringing! LUV YA!
Me, myself, and I 2005-09-21 ch 1, anon.	abuseGood so far. You should put more up. I am interested now. Angels hmm... I like those. Keep writing! Hurry hurry!
Tenshi-no-Awai 2005-08-17 ch 1,	abuseHello darlin! So far so good! I definately like the story line! Demonii is really cool too. Oh wait... you aren't that far yet. Anyways, just one tip: You'd probably get more reviews if you accepted anonymous ones. Some of the best reviews come from anonymous's. Anyways, stay cool! Keep up with the stories, and watch Inuyasha! Luv ya!
Eyetk 2005-07-24 ch 1,	abuseOkay! A very nice beginning, however, I -do- have one main CC for you: Sentence openers. While this is explained more fully on a seperate page (created specifically for this purpose), I would say that this applies especially to your first sentence of each paragraph, almost all of which starts with nouns or pronouns, and most of those being 'Eric' or 'He'. Try to vary it up a bit! http://w.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=1942775&chapter=3

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