Reviews for World Saviors - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: World Saviors - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Serom Kim 2008-08-14 ch 17,	abuseSorry for keeping you waiting. I liked this chapter. There might not have been much action, but it shows some insight into Ralanda's character. A diverse world of monsters and humans may make some think that it's all fine, but there is still discrimination in this world and Ralanda shows that. It makes you not like her as much, but a better character because she has real flaws. Dreaming of weird stuff, Whit is! Al as a bad guy, Josh is some prince, Andrew is his sorcerer companion, and Serom was there fighting against him. Now it seems like some dreams that the rest of us may have, things that make no sense but have our friends and people we know in it. Waiting for the next chapter.
Serom Kim 2008-06-22 ch 16,	abuseI liked this chapter, and now Darryl's got his wind element. Looks like Whit's the only person to go. The chapter ending was a little surprising to me, since Darryl's not going to help Whit look for his element. Even if he were going to train under Faeryl, I would think that he'd help Whit, then go back to her. Guess the saga of the adventures of the duo that act like a married couple but are not and can't get along with each other is going to start. About something a bit unrelated, you know how you sometimes ask rhetorical questions to the reader as in the end of anime shows do? When you're writing this in book format, I suggest not putting those in or not sound much like an anime narrator.
Serom Kim 2008-04-27 ch 15,	abuseAlthough you said it wasn't a very good chapter, I think it was pretty cool and action-packed. I feel sorry for Whit, getting attacked in that area all the time. I also thought it was an interesting turn of events that Whit managed to get the upper hand on Renato, since he's always the one getting beat down. Why is everyone trying to get the wind element on the day Darryl is? And if more than one person can't get the element at a time? If there are any errors here, I'll have to get back to you on that. When I first read through a chapter, I'm not looking for errors unless they're really short. But I think that your structure has improved. Keep writing.
Stoked Is Rad 2008-03-25 ch 1,	abuseSo, I'm finally reading this, and I really like it. Whit's cool, and I like Al. I usually don't read fantasy and stuff, but this is interesting. I'll probably read some more soon. I'm hooked, happy to say. It's nice that you type up Whit's dialogue in the same way he actually says it, like not gramatically correct, but realistic. It's good, and I'm not just saying that because I can. Natalie.
Serom Kim 2008-01-22 ch 14,	abuseIt's a long chapter, and quite interesting too. The only problems I see is that you have a few commas where you don't need them, and I'll get to those later, because it's almost ten at night where I am and I have class tomorrow morning. Another thing I should point out to you is the adjectives. Reviewers who read HW and FUF said to lose some adjectives. Ones I would lose are "worryingly," in the sentence "Ralanda worryingly called out to them" in the fight with Captain Idan, and "in concern" in the sentence, "Ralanda cried out in concern" to mention a few. Those guys must have been crazy to just go on ahead ... seems lot less dangerous than the forest, though. Three-way fight, can't wait to see what happens.
Serom Kim 2007-12-02 ch 13,	abuseCaptain Idan returns! I thought he was just some random guy who was never going to appear again, but you proved me wrong. What does he want (other than revenge, of course) and what is he doing in the town? And looks like Darryl is just about to get his element. I think the fight between Faeryl and the other wind master candidates was interesting. It might sound a little like DBZ, but it's okay. Fighting shows, Yu Yu Hakusho, Naruto, and DBZ all start sounding a little alike. I'm not too sure if there are grammatical mistakes at the moment, but it's past midnight here and there is loud music blaring in the background, and my roommate and her friends are in here, so I'll look for any mistakes later.
soojinyeh 2007-10-27 ch 1,	abuseThis story has been nominated for a 2007 Fiction Award for Favorite Protagonist: Whit from World Saviors by Whit50. For more information, please go to my forums.
Serom Kim 2007-10-16 ch 12,	abuseChapter twelve was updated a lot faster than I thought it would be. That's a good thing. And even better, you have much less grammatical and stylistic errors than before! I didn't catch any at the moment, I'm still half-awake, but I'll go back and look through later. This was a bit more character development on Darryl, and I guess Whit wasn't speaking because he was tired. Good enough reason for making him quiet throughout this chapter. And as for Faeryl, I wonder what the incident was. I'm sure we'll figure it out later. One more thing before I end this review, I also think that it'd be good character development for Darryl if we knew why he is always polite all the time. Nobody is that polite in the real world or in fantasy worlds, so if there is a reason as to why he is so all the time, it'd be good to know why.
DarkPegasiKnight 2007-09-16 ch 1,	abuseThe whole chapter seems to be practically dialogue, and it kinda...overflows? Somewhat. Also...There's points where you tend to insert description, and it sort of disrupts the flow of the story. For example, "An angry expression appeared on the man’s face. Strangely, though, the man did not even look human like Whit did. He had blue skin, short purplish gray hair, two dark brown eyes, and a pointy nose. In fact… It was not just him. There were a few other students in the class that were not human either. They looked like monsters." It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine when I see people do this because if you read it out loud or something, you'll hear how the sudden description sounds odd and forced. But I like the way the story looks. Literally. (I'm honestly not joking.) It has a very appealing, but readable look to it, that makes the reader attracted somewhat. Er...that sounded weird, didn't it...:D
FreakierThanThou 2007-09-16 ch 1,	abuseThis is pretty interesting. I like the idea of them all getting powers, but why doesn't anyone else in town have them? Nah, I'm sure you'll explain it later. '“Man, I thought history class couldn’t get no more borin’,” a teenaged boy muttered, sitting in a classroom with several other students.' That beginning is a little odd. You could just say "a boy in a classroom" or something like that. I don't think you need to mention the other students, it's a little obvious that they're there once we get that it's a class. "asked.Andrew nodded" You need a space after the period. There's a couple of really big paragraphs that are kind of hard to read because they're so bunched together. It's when Al is talking about the story. It seems a little strange to refer to the other people on this planet as 'monsters' when they seem to be Whit's friends and teachers and stuff. Or were they the anti-humans? I'm a little confused about that. Keep writing, -Fran
Blackeri 2007-09-16 ch 1,	abuseThe first part of the chapter, and much after it seemed rather pointless dialogue. I'm not sure what you intended with it. All and all, the characters seems kind of illiterate, even though teenagers may act like that in real life...it seems rather unpolished and makes them all seem stupid. Unfortunately, not one of my favorites, but please continue to write!
Narc 2007-09-15 ch 1,	abuseOne of the things I tend to harp on the most is dialogue. This chapter has a lot of dialogue that could be a lot better. The way it's written right now is very forced. A couple main problems you could fix to make it flow better: "As you know, Bob" - This is where characters inform each other of things or ask questions that they obviously already know for the purpose of letting the reader know something. Does it work? Yes. But it does more harm then good to the story because it makes the characters less believable. The beginning of this chapter is littered with this. Perfect exchange - If you stop to watch two people having a conversation, it's rarely someone says something, then someone replies, then someone replies to that. People interrupted each-other, they misunderstand, they pretend not to hear or brush over things. In the case of a rude student and an exasperated teacher, a perfect back-and-forth exchange would be even less likely. Avoid 'said-bookisms' like muttered, replied, answered, bellowed, etc. If you really need to tag your dialogue, just use said. Really, it's not a dirty word, but you seem to avoid it like the plague. Often you don't even need to use it because it's obvious due to the characters' actions or because of whose turn it is in an exchange between two people. Sometimes you do need to tag the dialogue, and then good 'ol fashioned 'said' is just fine. Adverbs. Let your dialogue speak for itself. 'Answered softly', 'arrogantly commanded', 'jokingly questioned', etc. Big pet peeve of mine. Look at every place you use one of those. Read the sentence with the adverb and then without. First, ask yourself if the sentence says the same thing with or without it. If it doesn't, look at how you can change your dialogue or the characters' actions to convey the same information. Usually (though not always) adverbs are an example of 'tell' rather than 'show'. Al's monolgue: Think about these three paragraphs for a bit and then think about how people really act. Even when telling a story or explaining something, there's usually tons of interaction with the listener (particularly with a guy like Whit!). And someone who -just- learned this information isn't likely to sound like a textbook unless he's reading off a page. This also kind of falls under a similar category as 'As you know, Bob' because it's really obvious that Al's only sharing this for the reader's benefit. For me, writing good dialogue usually comes down to saying everything out loud (or at least in my head) and thinking whether or not it really sounds natural. Dialogue is also a great way to subtly convey information about your character. Whit seems like the sort of guy who would interrupt a lot.
concerto49 2007-09-14 ch 1,	abuseHeya, Concerto, RR. Some inconsistencies here and there. Hm, guess looking around everyone pointed out everything I wanted to say. Yeah, unless there's something big hidden that I missed, sounds a bit simple, and typical too. Now, I don't know what to say. Like, there's not really a new concept, or great execution, which are probably the two deciding factors - either you think of something really good, or try to do something already thought of really good. It didn't really take the mix either. I think it's something that needs a bit more thought on in terms of higher level stuff and all.
Serom Kim 2007-09-12 ch 11,	abuseAnd the end of the plant/Josh saga has come! It was fun, but I think it's about time we move on with the plot as well. I was kind of surprised that Josh ate the seed. Are Whit and Darryl going to have to eat their elemental orbs too? Battle scenes in this chapter were great. Yours are a lot better than mine, and I never have an idea what to do. Paragraph breaks were kind of odd, but it's not as important. Spelling and grammatical mistakes I hadn't looked through for but I'll discuss them with you via email.
Kristen 2007-09-12 ch 1, anon.	abuseI didn't have much time to read this, so I admit that I didn't get very far. What I really noticed is that in the beginning when you're introducing characters, you squeeze all the information into dialogue. From the planet they live on to their age and height. You shove all that information into the dialogue and although, I guess, it's one way of giving the reader that information, I find it is a bit forced. They always told us in high school, "Show, don't tell!"

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