you should add more to this one. you cover the characters (very well I might add) but then you stop. It feels like you could go crazy with this idea. and given your creative talent, it would work well.

also, when you got to the part about the girl, it strayed from the original rhythm and that didn't feel right. it talked about her in a different way so it was kinda hard to associate her with the boys.

great poem over all though. I really like the plot. write on!! ^^

I think it's interesting although thr last part about the girl is a tad weak could be better seems too abrupt. I like it though, things like these get to me.