I thought you did an absolutely terrific job on this story. Very creative and imaginative, it kept me wanting to know what was going on by grabbing my attention and holding onto it. I loved the names of the three chapters although I think that I would show the title for each chapter as the beginning of the text because you don’t really catch the titles until after you have read the first chapter. The style was very reminiscent of the classic detective novel. Great job. I do have a few suggestions, all very minor. I've listed the original wording and then what I think should be changed.

“Well, it’s defiantly not Mom and Dad,” I say, thinking out loud. Defiantly should be definitely.

“We used to just sit and drink bottled Coke. The bottled kind, not the canned excuse.” Repetitive use of the word bottled too close, only two words apart.

“Clive Owen, the coolest guy to every grace…” every should be ever

“Galahad, on the other hand, well, I have no idea what his reasoning was,” she states like a scholar in the Arthurian legend.

I see a couple of problems with this whole paragraph. For one, it would be “a scholar of, not in.” but mainly, considering the statement about Galahad and that she has no knowledge, the comparison seems off track. A scholar of Arthurian legend would know Galahad’s intentions.

“I read it again with tears began to form in my green eyes.” began should be beginning.

She has grown it out since last a saw her, and a few strands of it hang over her bony shoulders. I think the a between last and saw was supposed to be I.

“Does anyone else know that you are alive,” I return to the seriousness of it all. This is a question and should have a question mark after alive, not a comma.

“I must be getting filthy from its combination with my own blood.” I think that the beginning I was supposed to be It.

“Yes. The first woman to ever be in control. Call a victory.” Think the a was supposed to be it.

“He may be reckless, but the man was having too much of a guilt trip over have to kill you, and I don’t need anyone like that working for me.” Maybe reword this to “but the man was going through too much of a guilt trip over having to kill you” because the second have should be having and if you don’t reword, then you have two havings too close together.

“You are the ones making the orders?” Shouldn’t ones be singular, as in one?