"counted on one of Naedul’s smooth, light-blue hands. And that meant four, if she included her thumb."

This made me think she had four hands, and it took me a minute to realize she had four fingers instead. ^-^;

"Cerqotte" reminds me of the word "croquet." And he says "me dear" alot. ...Seriously? Informing SOMEONE ELSE of his mark? Erm...okay. Your bounty hunter.

Are Naedul and her aide the same species? I think they are but I'm not entirely sure.

Exessive commas. ^-^ For some reason it makes me wanna sing the Llama song. I dunno why.

^-^ I decided to read and review this instead og AQoV at the moment because it is very long, and I do not have much time.

Will there actually ever be more in this story?

"and led the laser grid determine that she did, in fact" 'led' - 'let' Love their names! I also liked the way you gave out the information concerning what Naedul looks like, and the end had a good ambiguity to it. However the beginning took me a while to get into, I think it may have been the sentence structure, I'm not sure.

this was a cool read. although i am pretty much oblivious to the world you've created this story within, i was fascinated. i enjoyed all the technical terminology as well as the names of things/people and the descriptions. Ribbians sound formidable. i think i may take an invested interest in your other story. and, of course, i would read more of this, once something is provided.

Interesting little piece.

Since I hadn't read any of your other works (yet, heh), I was a little confused, naturally. But I was still able to follow rather easily without needing the knowledge from the other stories, which is good.

Nothing really stands out that needs too much improvement. And since its the first chapter, there's nothing to really say about the pacing and plot development, considering everythings just getting started.

So, its progressing very well, haha. You did a decent job conveying the overall repitiveness of the job and boring life at the station.

So...good work, keep it up. I'll hafta take a look at the rest of your work sometime soon, haha.

Guess who's back?Back again?Matty's back, right on back, tell a friend.

Whoo. Been a while since I did that.

Anyway, this is quite the interesting story! However, there's a few things that I'll mention (Keeping in mind that my overall opinion of this story is high-- I particularly like the unique names the aliens have).

First of all, the moment in which the main character meets the other alien is kind of...abrupt, and in my opinion, a little underdone. But that's just me. Not too much, but just a little. Too much and what should be an action scene gets boring and long.

You're just a little short, but that IS better than long/boring, so kudos to you.

Also, thought I'd mention the -excellent- description of the bounty hunter-- some of the best alien description I've seen in a while.

This is truly interesting, I can't wait to see what happens next.

P.s.: I might get a chance to read your other story later, but I'm not sure if I'll have the time. Anyway, still very good.

Okay I will take a look at your other story. This was interesting and well done, I though the dialogue was especially natural. Careful of things like ?! -- thats not a real punct mark. The rule basically is, always choose the question mark and then use italics or a tag on like "she screamed" to show the exclaimation. As a personal preference im not really big on words like Gren’Tahl because they tend to distract my eye - I've noticed a few other people with a similiar complaint so be careful of those.

~Mack

Managed to start the story, huh? Nice title, too. Be seeing you.

A very intense first chapter, I liked the description of the bounty hunter, very detailed. There's some mystery going on, with why he's looking for Targota, and why he wants him. So this sets up the story nicely. The characters so far seem realistic, and interesting. Good start. "day’s work to look forward to, was going home."- you don't need a comma there.

Hey.

No comma between 'to' and 'was' in 'to look forward to was going home'. Don't let the US-Americans fool you, commas are not breather marks or random decorations. They have purpose. They seperate clauses. 'was going home' is not a clause.

I think saying 'indeed, excitement was in scarce supply on Myons IX' is redundant. You've already said not much happens then you say only four ships have come through in four months.. which all works well.

When you say the scanner was led to believe she has access, it sounds like she shouldn't have access. I'm sure that's not what you mean, so it needs tweaking.

'All that Cerqotte had pointed out about Tuftedri Spaceport was true.' I don't think you need this sentence. We already know that's true because you've said only four ships passed through.

'Telling a nobody like you won’t have any effect on his capture, even if you somehow managed to warn him.' This sounds artificial, and actually makes me think of the list of evil overlord things you sent me. Find another way to namedrop. Maybe even just 'D'Xore isn't my target' would work, because then the reader is left in even more suspence.

An interesting prologue, Eric. I am most intrigued, and you must write more.

Btw, I wouldn't have minded if you'd called it 'Mercenary Heart' even if I hadn't changed the title of 'Rebel Heart'. Thanks for the review.

Usually I'm not so much into action, but you certainly grabbed my attention with this prolouge! I like the way your charecters had realistic weaknesses- Naedul gave the information instead of miraculously overpowering Cerqotte. Nice prolouge.

Good start. Add the next chapter soon.

Hello Eric,

Good start with this new story. Naedul seems like a cool alien, well developed.

"The four-foot Pillins'gul was dangling, his height off the floor,.." It may sound better if you changed it to: "..was dangling, his feet off the floor,.." And you missed the n in a, 'an orange-red'

And Cerqotte the Ribbian, wow, impressive. I like aliens, and you did a good job.

"Around his thick waist..." this sentence has 'various' and 'varying'. I think it would be better to replace one of them with another word.

Very good, Eric. Great plot and dialogues, and characters.

*_*