|Reviews for The Chronicles of Klane Omendeth|
| Joelle Duran 2/11/06 . chapter 9
"Her heart was twisted with greif, for she indeed saw him again, but he did not see her." Should be 'grief.' Very beautifully phrased, this entire section. *applauds*
"concluded with a last nod to him, in the words of a simple song concocted by Maida at his burial, in remembrance of days past"Well, except here. ;) 'Concoct' just gives me the wrong connotations, and 'a last nod' seems so casual and not fitting the lofty tone earlier employed.
I LOVE Maida's song! It makes my eyes well up, and the reference to his affectionate names for her singing is just the perfect personal touch. Well done!
I'm very glad I read this story. I suppose my feedback is a bit on the late side to be of much help, but I wish you the best with your music and whatever other passions you have chosen to pursue. Thanks also for the link on your page; that was very kind! Perhaps in a month or two I'll make it back over to read 'Butterfly.'
Thanks for sharing your talent with us. )
| Joelle Duran 2/11/06 . chapter 8
Quite a rousing, powerful ending here! And hope for Klane held out to the last moment. Poor Gaeton. *sniffles*
I like what you did here, in that Klane's strength of will/determination/stubborness that he has shown throughout his life, is what allows him to overcome a 'superior' job on describing her too; she comes off as a very potent-feeling villain.
A few more typos in this section than some of the others, and quite easy to miss in the excitement of the action.
"They enclosed around him, dancing grotesquely as their low hum and throb of music enfolded him"Odd wording here, I'm more accustomed to 'They enclosed him' or 'They closed around him.'
Fantastic imagery describing her song!
"and drew his , all the shades arose tall from the ground" Space missing after the period
"A blinding light shone in his eyes, and Nightborn staggerred." 'staggered' misspelled.
"A murmur sounded about man and beastas the shades began their wild dance once more" space missing between 'beast' and 'as.'
"He was enveloped him in a dusky whirlwind" You don't need the 'him' after 'enveloped.'
"A white gleamstifled his vision, and in a moment ofdelerium, he thought he saw Maida bending over him" spaces missing after 'gleam' and 'of.'
Aw, a sad ending when it looked like he might make it. But hey, if you're going to go down, taking something so evil with you is the best way to go!
I'm not completely happy with the last line. It's a bit jarring in its brevity, and not precisely true, since in a sense his story isn't ended until the next section. 'And thus passed the life...' or something of that sort would be more accurate.
Anyway, small quibbles aside, this was a rousing conclusion. Good work!
| Joelle Duran 2/10/06 . chapter 7
Very grim chapter here. Klane finally gets what he wants-and can't enjoy it. I think you did a good job of conveying tragedy here, as well as a feeling of coming full circle with the parallel between Kelna and Maida.
"Klane dropped his head in his hand for a moment, stunned at such news. He brought his eyes back to the two men, and addressed them frenetically."What could have happened?" he asked incredulously."You've done this at various points of intensity thoughout the story-repeat things a few times to get it across to your readers. But I'm sure you've heard of the adage 'show don't tell.' You're already showing, by Klane's motions and his words, how worked up he is. Using words like stunned/frenetically/incredulously winds up being overkill and diminishes the force of the writing, not enhances it. Sometimes less is more, to drag out another expression. )
"said the general, while Major Aerin looked shock at the forwardness of Klane’s words. "If the Enchantress has gotten him, here is no hope for you in repeating his downfall" Should be 'looked shocked,' and 'there is no hope.'
It seems odd that Maida would pivot from expecting Klane to never return to being confident he would, just because of a kiss. Ah well, I'll never really understand such. But I'm guessing the romance-lovers quite enjoyed that closing bit!
| Joelle Duran 2/9/06 . chapter 6
Another great chapter, I'm quite enjoying this!
"stands the mass ofcaves in which the dragon makes his abode." Space missing between 'mass' and 'of.'
"Then, looking up into the sky, he saw that which cast the shadow: a great dark form in the sky with clawed wings" Don't need to repeat 'sky' here.
"His mind was on fire with what he had seen; he was intoxicated with excitement, for he had never seen the dreaded dragons of which he had heard so much." I'd reword to avoid the repetition of 'seen.'
My difficulty with the dragon hunting bit is the horses, who should not only go crazy in the face of a huge predator, but are also terrified of fire, and would not do well walking in a dark cavern with uncertain footing. Most caves aren't all on one level either, but would require scrambling up or down or have chasms to jump over-all very bad with horses. If you want to put more work into this someday, I'd suggest you have them hide their horses outside the caves and explore on foot.
"It is amazing how quickly dragon-slaying can be done when one has a good squire," he said nonchalantly. "I have never killed one so quickly before."*laughs* He's just priceless!
"We should be returning soon; I must stop by the village of Eilken to report on thedeath of the dragon" need space between 'the' and 'death.'
Ek, but I am very, very worried about Gaeton-this doesn't look good at ALL. Sweet little hint of romance at the end there.
| Joelle Duran 2/9/06 . chapter 5
Good transition here with the four-year gap. I think you covered it very well. You do waffle with pov a little, as you start with Maida, then slip into a more omniscient pov, giving bits of both their thoughts, and then shift completely to Klane when he leaves the room.
Boy, but I think there's a fair few people on this planet that need to hear Gaeton's little speech and THINK about it! P Very wise man, he.
"Klane had, during this speech, bent over his head in dejection" It sounds like, um, his head fell off and he's stooping over it. Taking out the 'over' is probably better. ;)
"Those which have ventured here have been killed by the king’s knights; yet many in the West caves still lie" The last bit confuses me a little. Did you mean 'in the West's caves' or 'in the western caves'?
Ooh, nice ending with a promise of excitement! I quite enjoyed this chapter, as it both fleshed out Klane's mingling of pride and compentancy, as well as his relationship with both Maida and Gaeton at this point. Very nice work!
| Joelle Duran 2/9/06 . chapter 4
Beautiful chapter, and it stands very nicely alone, with a question posed and then answered at it's ending. I quite enjoyed it, and I'm getting better at guessing at scene breaks without getting too confused.
Didn't spot much to pick at, either! The story displays its 'lightness'-you stick very close to Klane and tell nothing of all the other contests or what the layout of the tournament was like, ect. It wouldn't be the best for a novel, but it works with these smaller pieces just focused on one character's arc.
"Klane, as his temperament decred, dismissed the fear these eyes could instill in lesser men" Few too many 'e's in that 'decred' there. )
"Green eyes gleaming as they surveyed his countenance in the looking glass, Klane felt his heart begin to beat with enthusiasm even in anticipation of the event." I'd add commas after 'enthusiasm' and 'anticipation' for clarity.
I hope to be back for more soon-quite enjoying the read!
| Joelle Duran 2/9/06 . chapter 3
This I enjoyed as much as the prologue. )
"At the entrance was assembled Gaeton’s servants; there were very few, and they all bowed most respectfully as he neared them" Should be 'were assembled.'
"It was on that very first night that the old servant was reporting on circumstances during Gaeton’s absence." This sentence seems...odd. Why the past perfect tense in the middle?
"Klane, watching the conversation, was a little surprise at the old man’s impertinence" surprised.
This, I like much better. A slower pace and more description of people and settings, less jumping about in time than the last chapter, where I didn't get much feel for the settings or any training/military schedule. (I shall stop picking on chapter 1 now, sorry!)
It seems odd that a horse could be truly broken in just one session, but since I know very little of horses in person, I can't pick at it.
Loved your description of the horse, by the way. Very nicely done.
Ameina is just so funny! What a delightful addition to your story!
"Now, listen to me Klane: Do you remember when, on the ship" add comma after 'me.'
"Considering the little experienced he had had, it was an astounding thing to think of" experience.
Aw...I love the ending here! Gaeton is just so lovely! Beautiful chapter, Pheobe!
| Joelle Duran 2/9/06 . chapter 2
While I enjoyed this chapter and the progress of the tale, it did not feel as polished or fleshed-out as the prologue and your other works. Part of the difficulty is that you don't have scene change breaks, which leads to a little confusion for readers.
The word 'ship' was used 6 times in the first paragraph. Yes, it's a bit hard to avoid, but 'swaying vessel' and such could help with breaking it up.
"The soldiers, most of them, young and inexperienced like Klane, murmured in acknowledgment of his words, and continued on" Few too many commas here. Don't need the one after 'soldiers,' and the last one could also be removed.
"Klane sat out on the edge of the fortress wall..." You use 'sat' 3 times and 'sitting' once in this paragraph, it would be better to employ more variety.
"The rebels of Mezedona, clad in dark drab colors and foreboding with masses of bowmen and spear-weilding warriors stood in the field about an acre across from the Ilenthian soldiers, poised and ready with swords drawn" You need a comma after 'warriors,' and it should be 'wielding.'
"there appeared a shadowy in the sky" a shadow.
"Bit at that moment at second hawk appeared from the opposite side" But at that moment.
I like your employment of the hawks here, how much such a 'small' thing can make a big impact in a battle.
You have a little uncertainty with terms, as you appear to call the rebel leader first a 'captain' and then a 'general.'
I quite like Gaeton from what I've seen of him in this chapter. And I also like how the battle and military service just seems a prelude to further learning. Back for more soon! )
| Joelle Duran 2/6/06 . chapter 1
Well, I have so many writer-friends at Wyvern's Library that sometimes I think keeping up with their work should count as a part-time job! But the website is down now, which gives me a chance to get back over here and finally try one of your longer pieces. )
This beginning I quite enjoyed. Gentle, no big cliffhangers, but a very nice job of laying out the world Klane lives in and the past he comes from. The parting scene with his sister was quite sad-freedom for him, but not for her.
Spotted a couple things on my way through:"a jawbone slightly shaded with dark beard, and narrowed green eyes, stood at the shore. The night wind rustled the generous foliage that shaded him from uncanny eyes" The repetition of 'shaded' here is a bit distracting.
"In those days he was rather anti-social, as he was now" 'anti-social' feels a jarringly 'modern' word in this setting.
"He used to confide in his sister, a black-haired girl named Kelna, who was three or four years younger than he" It seems odd he wouldn't know his sister's age when he knew his own for the knife-ritual.
"but rather that instinct of light, that glimpse of immortality that lives within each men, stronger in some than in others" Should be 'man,' not 'men,' in this wording.
Very nice beginning! I'm looking forward to getting back for more as time permits.
| Jessica Wright 2/2/06 . chapter 9
Aw...so sad! *sniffles*
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 10/28/05 . chapter 9
Wow, that's a touching ending with same old epic style writing... and yeah, I guess you're right. A hero like him deserves a dramatic death with lots of tears. I was hoping he would live though... and finally, I'll have to say good job on the song Maida did for him. It's rather short, but it really spoke volumes...
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 10/28/05 . chapter 8
Hey there! It's me! Well, thanks for your review, pal. And yeah, never knew about the hurricane thingy you're having. Are you talking about the hurricane Wilma? If so, I guess you're living somewhere around Florida? Anyway, on with the review: Ok, so here's another good chapter written in epic fashion again. The language used here was excellent like before and I hope you can do another fantasy fic like this again. Too bad the fighting scene was a bit brief, but hell yeah I know that not everyone can write them. Maybe you can take references from RA Salvatore's novels... I dunno about the rest, but the Forgotten Realms novels he wrote have the best of fighting scenes IMO. Or if you're a bit crazy like me, go a step further and take inspiration from fighting manga. But there's one problem I saw: WHY KLANE HAS TO DIE? It's really a tragic epic of sorts to me... anyway, on with the epilogue!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 10/27/05 . chapter 7
Hi there! It's me again! Well, finally, I'm here reviewing again! Anyway, I really like the form of language used here. It really reminds me of some epic style novel... and Gaeton going missing... I don't think this bodes well. And yeah, Klane going solo to find him. Hope he found out what happened to him. And yay! Romance! I really like the way you do it even though it's rather brief... I really sucks in doing this... anyway, I'll review again, so look out for it!
P.S: Dunno if you received the alerts update, but I've uploaded a new story. Hope you like it. It's about elves though, but anyway, hope to receive your review...
| rrmehta364 10/25/05 . chapter 9
wow, what a beautiful song at the end. i must say, that was an impressive finish. i dont see nearly enough sad stories. they;re so much harder to do anyways. at least the witch will not curse the west no more. the ending reminded me a bit of the end of beowulf. really made me sad, but i guess i have to say goodbye to Klane. wherever you rest, may you forever be in peace.
| rrmehta364 10/25/05 . chapter 8
what a sad ending, but how beautiful. so sad. so much better than the last battle. but the point is, hes dead. i think ill go cry now. and only an epilogue left.