|Reviews for All Girls School|
| Zoe Marhassa 1/24/12 . chapter 2
I want to apologize first. I reviewed your first chapter without really reading it. I skimmed because of the length and the lack of being drawn in. For that, I'm so, *so* sorry.
However, that doesn't makeup for what you put me through in that first chapter. I thought, *oh look, I should really read this. I enjoyed Elysium and this should be fairly enjoyable.*
I was wrong. Let's forget the surplus of characters, the fact that they were all shoved onto me in one chapter, that their characteristics were told and not shown.
The first two and only people of color in that classroom were depicted negatively. So blatantly. I mean, you called them problems. At least, the white girl you called a problem was given some attention, some dialogue and action. They got their paragraphs and were quickly forgotten.
"Her name was Ivory Tran, she was Viet-Chinese, and from the moment she stood up in front of everyone, Miss Madsen knew she was going to have a challenge. Ivory was a snobbish, stuck-up, egotistical, intimidating imp, the kind that people outwardly detested and inwardly cheered for. She was an athletic woman, too, and narcissistic to the point of being dull. She had piercing, sharp eyes, and proudly boasted of having being shot by a gun twice in her life."
You tell us she's snobbish, stuck-up, etc. She doesn't do anything to prove this outside of boasting up being shot by a gun twice. Which, in itself, is offensive. I don't know much about Vietnam and China, but violence and upheaval there is *serious*. People die. If she's proud of being *shot twice* then more power to her. If that happened to me, providing I weren't too traumatized, *I* wouldn't stop talking about it. Does that make me "narcissistic to the point of being dull"? Furthermore, if anything, the fact that she's able to stand proudly and "intimidating" seems more a testament to her own strength than anything else. I'm more impressed with her than anyother girl here and she treated the rest of them far more kindly.
Well, except for maybe Olivia. I'll start with the positive about her, because there's so little.
"A beautiful young woman named Olivia Johnson volunteered next, but she tended to ramble though she was the taciturn sort. An audience, apparently, enthralled her deeply. The dark-skinned bored-looking woman had a bad habit of fixing her glasses a lot (they slipped), and plainly boasted that she would get high grades in the class because of her love of Literature and Writing. Miss Madsen knew she couldn't go easy on Olivia; she would be even harder to "crack" than troublemaking Ivory or the woman that showed a foul mouth. Sickly, miserable, uncoordinated, flaky, and perhaps too serious for her own good, Olivia would be a greater challenge by far-the perfect example of Human, wherein a great deal of flaws resided."
She's beautiful. Yay!
Then it stops. You had the chance to make an intelligent, stoic African-American(?-I'm guessing she is) character, the antithesis of the stereotypical female character who is loud, ignorant, and overly aggressive. This could've been a wonderful breath of fresh air. Instead, she's boastful (much like Ivory) and rambles despite her love of Literature and Writing. In my experience, admirers of these two topics tend to be described, on average, as eloquent and well-spoken. Rambling? *Never!* But, I suppose since she's "sickly" and "uncoordinated", rambling's just the cherry on her suck-sundae. And, wow, how not original is it that you made the one black character the "hardest to 'crack'" among the three problem-children. Really, who would've guessed? (This is where my eyes roll back into my head.)
Saying all this, there may've been other people of color but, after that, I couldn't bear to read anymore. I was disappointed. I like stories about all-girls schools, and thought this would be well-done (if lengthy :] ) but it wasn't. I'm sorry for being so harsh, but I can't think of a polite way to this that wouldn't go too easy on you. You probably won't rewrite this just for the bare fact that what you've written is 109 chapters long, but I wish that you would. I'm sure you've grown as a writer. I know you have and could write something to rival Elysium (which I did in fact read word for word the first time).
In conclusion, all the other girls (who presumably were Caucasian, because in fiction, it's always safe to assume that), were given some complexity. I didn't enjoy their introductions, to be honest, but at least I didn't feel as if they were being pelted unfairly by stones. They weren't out-right labeled as good or bad, and I feel that, at minimum, you could've given Olivia and Ivory that same courtesy.
| Tea-and-Coffee 8/2/11 . chapter 2
And Hixy- you are wrong.
ADHD and ADD are used interchangeably. You can have ADHD and not be hyperactive.
| Tea-and-Coffee 8/2/11 . chapter 1
Wow, just wow!
I'll be honest I am very hard to engage as a reader, I'm picky and get bored so quickly, I find reading so hard so I rarely struggle to read anything that isn't insanely good but I love this! It's amazing!
| Green Eyed Tabby 7/26/11 . chapter 1
I have to say this is a pretty great first chapter with a wide cast of characters. You seem to have written a lot for this series and I think I will finish it when I have time. I am wondering where you are going with all of this and if the characters other than the teacher will really catch my attention. Looks like you have worked really hard on it, so I will be back. :)
| Dalek17 9/9/10 . chapter 3
This is really awesome. I'm liking it a lot so far!
| hixy 8/11/10 . chapter 1
im in shock at the sheer amount of information in the first chapter alone. no longer am i surprised that this story is over 400,0 words long. eep.
also very impressed with the no of different personalities you came up with.
but i think you could have made this a lot easier to read by condensing the information and cutting out irrelevant stuff? simple is good.
also ADD is attention deficit disorder. what your talking about is ADHD attention deficit hyperactive disorder. ADD is just hard to concentrate.
| Zoe Marhassa 4/14/10 . chapter 1
This is a really interesting start. Some introductions of characters in school settings, displayed like this, can seem awkward, but you executed it well. I can't remember ALL of them, but certain ones, especially Olivia. I don't know. She just seemed the only non-white/Asian character, unless it's just a tan...Anyways, I like this. :D
| Onira 2/16/10 . chapter 109
I just spent the last 5 days reading this story and I just have to say WOW!
109 chapters is just WOW! I so loved this story. It had practically everything in it (except straight sex :p)
I laughed and cried with all the girls, I felt angry when anybody got their hearts broken. I haven't been that engaged with a story in quite a while.
But why did Victoria break up with June? You can't just leave it at that! That's just cruel! And I'm also happy that Zane and Vai got together, even if it was in an alternate ending.
| nooneimportant 10/18/09 . chapter 109
the ending would have been so freaking perfect had June and Victoria broken up...WHY? TELL ME! I DEMAND AN ANSWER! THEY WERE THE CUTEST COUPLE THERE! WHY...(cries)
| no one special 10/4/09 . chapter 17
aw, she told her I love you
| bored 3/15/09 . chapter 109
Best story ever... Made me laugh, cry, grin uncontrollably. Loved it! Even though I like all the pairings, Janine and May, or "Maynine" (lol) were my favorite.
Thanks for a good read!
And actually, I just read 'Voyage of the Dauntless' a few days ago, and I just realized that 'the Wrench' in this story is the same as 'the Wrench' in that one.
There's nothing I can find to critique, so good job...! C:
(You deserve more reviews!)
| Kode Dekka 3/7/09 . chapter 109
hey I finally finished this story and wow it took a few weeks but when I did read I was so entranced that I didnt want to stop. thank you for this, although the ending didnt feel conclusive for me but regardless this story was awesome.
| jones 12/26/08 . chapter 1
good so far
| Aerin 8/11/08 . chapter 109
This is probably one of the best (tied with The Promised Land, another work of yours) stories I've ever read on this site. Thank you for sharing your talent with us. :)
| IrishCarBomb 2/8/08 . chapter 109
Well it took me awhile to finish reading this, but I can easily say it was well worth the time.