Reviews for Quelin's Tale - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Quelin's Tale - Reviews: Page 1 of 55

Areneth 2008-03-24 ch 1,	abuseWell, I finished the first chapter. I liked it. You're writing is engaging, and the introduction is subtle but still raises many questions, which is awesome. A lot of stories start with a bang, so the fact that yours didn't start that way, and that it still dragged the reader in shows you have talent. It says you haven't updated since '06, though, so I don't know if I'll continue reading it or not. I don't want to get to the last chapter you published after reading so much, find it a complete cliff-hanger, and never see another update again.
Arn 2008-01-21 ch 5,	abuseVery cool story you got here. Quelin is an interesting character. -entreri
FoxyWriter 2007-12-28 ch 1,	abuseWow - I love this ^_^ the descriptions were great, and I could vividly see and feel the scene this piece paints. I love it ^^ Quelin induces curiosity, and I like Freya's character so far. I'm curious to read more too, because this sounds like it'll go far, just from the sheer number of reviews, chappies, etc ^^ As for CC, although I don't consider myself an expert (considering how many times I have to rewrite my own work hah!) I believe some of the sentences can be split into 2. There are a lot of commas - not that it's bad to have so many, but it appears you use the comma to combine what could be 2 sentences. It makes it sometimes difficult to read. You can either split some of the sentences, or use a semi-colon " ; " to join them. Just a suggestion :) I do love your description for Quelin's eyes and his overall appearance. :D Overall, great work! I love how the reader can literally feel/see the atmosphere being portrayed in the story. ^__^ I wanna read more later on ^_^ -adds to favorites- ~FoxyWriter
effervescent-sentiments 2007-07-25 ch 1,	abuseAll of my critique are merely suggestions, as I'm not an expert on any front. But, I hope you'll find some of it helpful, or at least consider changing what was confusing to an average person (aka, me!). "In the hallway, she swung open the heavy wooden door a crack and peered out." Is she in the hallway, or is she swinging the door open /into/ the hallway? A bit confusing. Consider rearranging the words? "all-invading" You used "invading" two sentences previous... thesaurus time, perhaps? "The doctor crouched down, groaning under his breath." Groaning under his breath? Is that possible? Hmm. Intriguing. Maybe "inaudibly" or something of the like. "half covering a face which seemed frail and delicate" The "seemed" is unnecessary, I think. Try "half covering a frail and delicate face" and contiue on with the sentence. Either that, or add a "now" before the original "seemed." "which were for now," should be, "which were, for now," "He was breathing, but it was hard to tell, the flutterings of his chest hardly making any movement at all." After "tell" should be a semicolon (;) not a comma. "twisting a lock of her black hair around one finger nervously." "her" is unnecessary. Just "a lock of black hair" will work. "Freya paused a moment, reluctant to leave the boy alone, then mentally shook herself, and went silently out of the room." A run-on? "She leant forwards, pulled a log from the pile and threw it on the fire." Leaned, not leant. Unless "leant" is a variation I was not aware of. "It was warm, if rough, and she new how cold the stone floor would be." Knew instead of "new." "woollen jumper, she returned to her bedroom. She stood in the doorway, looking at the boy," Put a period after "jumper." Then, "returning to her bedroom, she stood in the doorway" et cetera. Too many sentences beginning with "she." Try varying it a bit, starting with a verb, perhaps. It makes for a more interesting read. " They were the exact reflection of the sky out her window." Super neat! :) It's awesome so far. Excellent. I'm intrigued to read on, although that's more because of the summary than anything else, I have to admit. But, great job. . . I hope you'll update some of your other stories, if you ever return to FictionPress. Julia.
elisefey 2006-11-08 ch 7,	abuseI have suddenly realized from rereading the review I just submitted to the previous chapter that I am way too tired to be coherent while reviewing right now. Ah well, here I go... "Jake watched her for a moment, and then finished his drink." - Wow. Jake is a daring man to finish his drink after he let Freya drink some of it while she's so sick. Germs! Quelin shook his head. “Nothing that makes sense. Shattered images, distorted sounds, feelings. That’s all.” -- Quelin sounds rather mature and older here. That's probably deliberate on your part, but in any case, I noticed it. Somehow it feels like a bit of a jump when Freya announces that she believes she's meant to help Quelin. She just seems too coherent for someone who's supposed to be so sick even if she is proposing slightly preposterous things. And I'm still having trouble following whatever logic she is using that allows her to accept Quelin not being human so easily. Anyway, the plot seems to be making forward progress and I'm properly awake to enjoy it, I will return to R&R some more.
elisefey 2006-11-08 ch 6,	abuseAlright, so I know that I said in my review response to your last review on A Siren Call that I wouldn't review this story anymore because you seemed so self-conscious about it, but the thing is that I want to know what happens and I'd feel guilty if I read this w/o reviewing it. So anyway... “I can’t remember.” He said. -- I like how simple and matter-of-fact this conversation is. The way Freya flips on Jake when he sets her on the bed makes me think she's been pretty well traumatized before. Anyway, this illness came on Freya pretty quickly and I get the impression that it's worrying everyone. I'm kind of surprised that Jake didn't speak more to Quelin about taking care of Freya before he left to go home. Okay, on to the next chapter!
boredshitless 2006-10-20 ch 9,	abuseok, the first thing i want to point out is that i thought the doctor had already heard quelin's voice when he went to get him when freya first got sick. secondly, why does freya let issacc into her house when she knows what his gonna do? i mean, is she that stupid? im getting very worked up at the moment, because personally, i dont like weak innocent girls in stories, they just seem pathetic
wolfeh 2006-09-11 ch 72,	abuse!! !! !! !! YOU WHAT! OH MY GIDDY AUNT! JESUS CHRIST AND GOD ALMIGHTY, LENNY AND QUEE ARE RELATED TO FREYA!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLFY IS GOING ON!? OH MY GOD!! JESUS! WHAT!? NUU! HOW!? Why did Sera come to Freya's father in the first place?!?! How? Why? WHY!? WHY!? TELL ME< GODDAMN YOU< PLINKS!! AND FOR CHRISTSAKE UPDATE!! !! !! !! !!
wolfeh 2006-09-11 ch 71,	abuse-_- Awesome descriptions, though. One thing: "He withdrew quietly, not wanting to disturb her, and returned to the camp. His thoughts returned to Freya, the way that they had been more and more frequently recently" Uhm.. ? I dont get it? ?? Mebbe its something I'm missing. Howcome they're back together?!!? Did I miss something? I thought they were miles away..?
wolfeh 2006-09-11 ch 70,	abuseReading.. on.. glad prophecy was explained.. lil bit confused, but, reading.. on..
wolfeh 2006-09-11 ch 69,	abuse!! !! !! !! !! !! I have a few more chappies to catch up, then I will give you a long review!! ARGH!
toxic-noodle725 2006-09-08 ch 72, anon.	abuseooh! ooh! she's their half sister? wo. didnt expect that. i at first thought the lonley boy was freya's father cuz he hated school and freya was home schooled but seeing as he was evil that thought was crossed out. so i started reading this yesterday and couldnt stop. its soo much different than ur toothpick story.sry the title was too long to type. but anyway i love the description of the twins' eyes. oh perty. so yea why d'you stop updating, i just discovered this so u have to update soon! pwez!
ForeverAltered 2006-08-26 ch 10,	abusehi, I just wanted to say you write amazingly well. I have read one of your other stories, Letters from a toothpick friend, and I loved it. This story is definitly different but I love it too. Oh I also wanted to ask you if you spoke french fluently? You have used it quite often and so I wanted to know...Im half french and speack it fluently so its cool to see other people using it too. Anyway, I hope you keep writing. ~ ForeverAltered
elisefey 2006-08-23 ch 5,	abuseI think the way you describe Quelin's eyes is one of the coolest things ever. Gr... I really dislike Isaac. But I love Jake! Yay!
elisefey 2006-08-22 ch 4,	abuseTotally quirky in a cool and entertaining way that he's sitting out with the sheep. I love it. Ooh! I have this totally trippy precognitive feeling about him helping her with the chores... I really want to know why he's sad that he doesn't need to sleep! Quelin's character is totally sucking me in to this story! He's just downright fascinating. This massive mystery to be solved. But, okay, while I'm talking about it, something I've been wondering since the end of the previous chapter: why, if Quelin doesn't need to sleep, was he asleep when he was first introduced into the story? I am trusting that you will be answering this question through the story as I understand that some things must be simply developed and not out and out explained. In any case, I'm pretty well hooked now.

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