OMG! This is fantastic. Please keep writing, your world and characters are just beautiful and you have an amazing way of describing things. I'm hooked and want to see this story out.

Nice opening chapter. The flurry of short scenes makes for an expedient entry into the various subplots. Your descriptions are good too, though quite a few rather... esoteric words. Not exactly a bad thing, I guess.

The time skip is rather abrupt, but if there's nothing important that you can reveal in that time period, I suppose not much can be done there.

Thats a really good introduction seeing as this is a fantasy, most of the time the prefaces for these are boring and vague and put the reader off but yours was perfect. My favorite part was when Zaiah looked upon his 'daughter' Lynaia and instantly fell in love with her. You described that really well.
I am so glad I found this.
-SeraphicDeviltry-

A fiesty one, Salix is... If I am not very much mistaken, she's the girl mentioned in the earlier chapter?

Nice descriptions of the slave camp and the situation Salix faces... The emotion, descriptions... Everything fits quite well here :)

Good work overall and sorry for the late review... College has been...occupying recently

thanks for the review :) by the way, who was the name of your friend? can't help but feel curious about it haha

Aurulent... I have never ever heard of this word before... Is it of your own making or is it some form of archaic English? I ran the word on wiki and answers to find the meaning but neither had it >.<

'the obscurity followed him' You're referring to obscurity like an individual here haha. I understand your use but I think obscurity is slightly unsuitable here... Maybe 'the shadows continued to cloak him' or something?

Ok, a thought here. Most monarchs would not have stood for the thought of adultery occurring under their very noses. Wouldn't the guilty party ergo the Queen have been executed for committing this sin?

His legendary purplish-red eyes... A youth on the cusp on manhood already having legends accredited to his eyes? This surprised me somewhat, makes me definitely think that he's either a Chosen One of some sort

I enjoyed it overall. A good and entertaining chapter in my opinion, haha :)

i absolutely love the painful yet beautiful description of Lynaia's birth

beginning your story with a birth is just a perfect beginning

the description and language truly enhances the setting and ambiance

in the beginning the Tears of Dawn/future rose metaphor was kind of confusing

after the 16yrs pass, the three immediate scene changes are slightly choppy but done very well considering how difficult it is to set up multiple plot lines in t he beginning

-Darla Summers

Hi Scooz, I'm KaronePrincess from fictionpress.
Sorry for the long reply. Wow, the chapter is really good. I have been waiting for the group to meet Salix and her companies. Finally they met her for she will be a safe hand. Why Salix doesn't know that she have a guardian? Is there something happen to her that made she forgot her past?

At the end, the evil man and Sihbrant plan to destroy Salix. How long between now til the first Hunter's Moon?

Thanks and please continue to write more. I am really love this story.

Thanks,
KaronePrincess

Hi:) I like hearing about Adara and Salix from another viewpoint, it's interesting, but you could add some more detail, like when you have A. say that Salix is nothing like she expected, I wante to hear more about why and the specifics.

Uh oh...bringing in the darts. That reminded me of Pirates 2, if you've seen it, the part where the cannibals shoot Will...got an image of the drows with island face paint. Probably not what you're going for, but it's also probably just me and now I'm rambling about it. But I like the darts, really. I just hope it doesn't give Salix a bad reaction with all that's going on in her right now and make her dislike her would be rescuers before she really knows who they are...making me tense!

oo good, Salix's pov. You describe her dart reaction nicely. I also like her skeptic reaction to Aiva's explanation of the prophecy-it does sound a bit heavy handed and that makes her snarkiness likeable here...if that's not how you wanted Aiva's explanation to sound I might consider tweaking that part a bit, make it more personable instead, oh I'm here to save the world. Even if she really is:)

Oh, mark of the Deciever...sounds cool and serious. I did a little song with it, I really like it...maybe even weirdly too much...I love the way certain words go together. Like I found this idea dealing with a swoon of sin, and I'm going to somehow work that into a whole story cause I like how it sounds. Anyway, mark of the Deceiver...chill stuff.

And the ending of this chapter was mysterious and set a grim tone, and more tension since now obviously I don't want this to happen and I wanna see if the little creepy manages to give her the mark or not and how it goes about. Nice job!

Okay, I hope this review goes through this time, instead of telling me story not found.

Anyway, Salix seems to have some romantic thoughts towards this Shea. If you do not intend that she is attracted to him, oyu should not mention the scent of his musk and her noticing so often. If this is your intention, it is working.

Shey is a good and mysterious guy, and I look forward to seeing his mystery solved. He is too smart and too good to be part of Raj's band.

I have a mild problem with the use of the word 'flame' to refer to Kirik's present girlfriend. If she is to be one of many and such relationships do not last among the drow, then I think you should still use a different word. It just comes off a bit campy. If this was intended as a Drow thing, I don't think that they would be so fond of flames (and especially Kirik, given how he got blind). They are a race of elves that like caves and darkness. A lot of complaint about a simple word useage, eh? And it is just my opinion.

I like that things aren't so clear cut with the council meeting, and the fact that Kirik wants to rescue this unkonwn elf. He is a bloody goodie goodie, isn't he. Don't mind me on that one. Do the elves feel the same for the Drow? And I agree with Tanith. If you rescue one, you should rescue all. It is not fair to choose. Hey, a thought (and you have probably already done did what you planned anyway), if these people are having worries about feeding themselves, why don't they go ahead and steal supplies while they are at it. Yeah, it is lowlife thievery, but it is better than selling off the slaves again.

I don't know how you would go about this, but there is too much repetition between the last chapter and this one about Tanith's plan. I think, maybe, you should cut out the first scene and make some back references to it.

Lastly, I see you are introducing another character. I wonder what you have done with the elf born at the beginning of the story and the girl, who came in from the fields to find her parents with the guards.

Is this more than you asked for!

You have set up your drow and human relations well. I like that Kirik was not all gung ho to rescue the slaves in the first place, even before Tanith presented the worse part of the idea, and there sure as hell would be bloodshed regardless of how many, because I can't imagine Raj giving up his slaves so easily.

I do have a bit of a problem with Kirik's self pity in the one scene, but in a way, I can kind of understand it, but his girlfriend should have smacked for it. He deserved it.

Lot of descriptive writing, for sure. A few questions, though. If the drow youth uses the sword out of a fit of rage, does he know how to use it or receive swordsmanship training before? Simply put, a sword is just a sharp bat unless you know how to use it, and raging often leaves you wide open by you telegraphing your strikes. Perhaps I'm being too nitpicky on weapons/combat, though.

I don't know if I misread this or not, but is Salix blonde or dark haired. The beginning of this chapter describe the black locks of hair, but later on you describe her as blonde. I may be a bit out of it when I read this. (I read on the way home from work).

This was an exciting chapter indeed. Too bad Salix didn't kill the bastard, but what you wrote was nice. It was different. I appreciate that. She doesn't escape.

The bit with the drow raises some curiosity as well.

Okay, I have read the prologue, and there is not much I can surmise as of yet. I have to see where you go from here. I would think that these characters are the main characters and adventurers. So, I will read the first chapter tonight, and let you know more. There definately seems to be quite a bit of intrigue going on here, and the first segment seems to be more so than the rest.

Yay, good to see Salix back in action and focus!
"his black eyes were dark with carnal desires"- since the fact that they're black implies they're dark, maybe "black eyes darkened with"- also cuts out the passive voice.
Poor Shay, fighting with himself all the time. Too bad Salix always has to worry, she does sound convincing. And I thought Adara's "odium" was really funny..just sounds so petty, and ..odious, lol. Halu's interpretation of Salix's odd dream sounds pretty solid, wonder if she's actually right.

"Do you recognize this god Halu?”" comma after god
The dialogue flows well here, sounds natural and paced like a normal conversation.
nothing!” the frustrated elveness whispered and her veneer almost cracking."- comma after whispered, take out "and"
or else it's fragmented

Salix's little talk in her head, reiterating the dark things she has been through could probably be less of a summary and more of a self-realization if you dramatize it a little more..I liked the part about the shadows giggling, like adding things like that.

"That sounds plausible, but what about during the day.”- need question mark
"Salix what is wrong"-comma after Salix

Very suspenseful. The mind talk and Salix's whole chase was great, really cut up like an acutal flight would be, not all eloquent...not in a bad way though. It was done very nicely. And the ending of this chapter too was good-and kind of threatening for the future. Now I really want to know what'll happen. Nice chapter, once again.

"

Oh, nice to hear about cute Aiva again...and Florian I suspect:)
"Aiva passed into the vacant dining area, which had a single torch lit"- might want to consider 'where a single torch was lit'-less wordy sounding with whole paragraph, just a suggestion

I like how she gets information from listening in on the conversation, this to me always adds a sense of tension to the part, and makes it seem more action-al than it really is. Interesting conversation between Aiva and and Florian...and his little confession gettin method was pretty cute.

Aw, they're so cute with each other...yes, everything is cute to me...and Aiva shouldn't have to feel so bad about hoe much and Florian feel for each other, please do not do anything really to bad to them? Can they have a happy ending? Please?


Aiva's and Anea'as' bond does seem a little odd, but natural at the same time...and I'm glad that they're friendly, it would be hard to dislike either one and then you might have to take sides...this is much better. The description you gave of Anea'as also seemed to fit her real well, she does seem kinda rougish.

And the information Aiva gives clears up how much she understands Salix, and her motivations, but, you may have addressed this before, I'll have to go check, does she accept Salix's friendship with Shey? That isn't as clear as it could be, but her concern for the warriors comes across clearly.

" So why was he so suspicious of how ‘easily’ this mission was expected to go down?"-not sure if the single quotes are because of a formatting problem, goodness knows I have enough of those on FP, but it should really be in italics, since they seem a little distracting. If you can't do them on here, i think it might read easier to just remove them.

Nice ending too...sets up mistrust for the next chapter, always nice. Glad to read this, sorry it's been so long since I've reviewed, lots of lovely coll apps to do. Hopefully I can review more often now! Good work.