Thank you so much for updating. I love this story and have got my bf hooked on it as well. I wrote you an email with some mistakes I found while re-reading. please update soon.

many thanks,

your average-psycho

please dont give up on this story, I check periodically to see if you`ve updated. please update soon

many thanks

your average-psycho

I don't even know where this story came from, I just decided to read it. It borderlines perfect. Now, I know you probably want criticism, but you have to realize just the gem you have on your hands. You have a captivating character, a plot that is both original and literally a page-turner, and so far not a fantasy cliche in sight.
When it came to the story, nothing really bothered me much, it seems you've gone through some of the chapters more than once. You approach it with a nice structure; some sentences did seem to go on when they could have been shorter, but that's not that much of a problem. Your dialouge was good, but it did sound awkward at parts. Next time (time is short now) I'll try and get some examples so you can see.
Right now, you still have me hooked on that angel skeleton. You also do a godo job at balancing things out--for instance, you named at least two things that about matched the Lady's power, instead of making her the normal all-powerful mighty ruler.
One thing I noticed is that you sometimes stop the story dead and give a few paragraphs of explanation. This isn't bad (seeing as how you came up with a lot of cool things), but sometimes can stop the nice pace you have going. I'm not saying cut it out (please don't), but you can integrate it in a way where the reader doesn't even notice you stopped everything, but still learns something about your world. Two, the Travel storm thing kind of confused me at first, because I'm wondering is it actually like a dimension having a huge storm, a small mini-storm that you can control, or is it just figurative language for a wormhole-network?
BTW, did that Penguin Publishing thing ever come through?

I really like your story, it's very original. ^_^ Makes me want to know more about the culture of them all. It's all so interesting! I eagerly await your next update. ^_^

You updated!

*Jumps around the room in hysterical giggles*

And Pasko has to look after Moziak? They both have my sympathy there... But the question as to the identity of Moziak's new power still stands... What is happening to her? On second thoughts, that's the question we're all supposed to be asking and if you answered, then it might spoil the ending... Well, if you answered honestly...

Shinies To All!

this is growing on me, really and truly. ch 2 was my favourite - well written, good description and good characters as well as explaining the stuff that had happened before. i like risa and the way you wrote her. 'little crow?' i liked how she said it - it sounded affectionate and reproachful at the same time. ch 3 was good as well - nice writing, good description. i like the idea for the story - creative. and although i don't like pasko i like the idea of moziak competing for these tasks. how old is she by the way?ok bye!

Meh. I mean, naturally - ohmygod, publishing, fantastic! But I wanna know what /happens/... ah, well. If all does go well, do you plan on putting up a link to Amazon or anything? Realistically, I might well have forgotten all about it in eight months, and I suspect shipping from Australia to the UK would be prohibitively expensive anyway, but I'd still like the admittedly-remote chance to read more.

Reviewing this chapter, then - I dunno, I don't know if it's because you've been trying to work fast, but this doesn't really work as it might? It's a very transition-y chapter, for one thing: of course it's necessary to get Moziak and Clem's first meeting out of the way, and to reach the point necessary for the blood ceremony between them I'm assuming would appear in the next chapter, and it performs those two objectives perfectly adequately, but it does come across as very much a way to get to the next chapter rather than an end in itself. Probably this wouldn't be so much of a problem if I were reading this as a book, or even if there were another chapter on fp.com to follow it (*sigh*), but since it's the last chapter up, the transition-ness is sort of thrown into sharp relief.

The interaction between Moziak and Clem also doesn't ring quite true. This is probably a bit unduly nitpicky, but I'm going to pick things out, because it's easiest for me that way:

"Moziak looked deeper, and found a childlike fear was also present" - it's not that Clem being a bit freaked isn't understandable, but the "Moziak looked deeper" thing doesn't really work for me: it sort of gives the impression that she's in a position to study his reactions carefully, rather than as freaked herself as "more hysterical" implies.

"her voice rising with excitement" - is "excitement" the best word? It seems like Moziak is just sort of flipping straight from an understandable shocked realisation to a sort of sanguinity that doesn't really fit with the circumstances - she's not naive, as has been pretty conclusively demonstrated in earlier chapters, and the paragraph beginning "He didn’t seem nearly as keen..." /does/ work - the hurt she doesn't give away, the understanding why he might not be delighted about things, both of them work well with the established story - so why the "excitement", how is she not more than a little freaked herself, how is she talking in a way described as "reasoned"? Which is really /the/ major problem here - you've got the "sick realisation" of the last chapter, the "more hysterical than happy" at the beginning of this, but you're not really following it up at all - Moziak's far too "reasoned" in her dialogue, and all the shock and anger and frustration is described prefectly well in the narration, but it's not coming through in her speech: I know it's a cliche, and it's not a universal rule by any means, but you need to show here as well as tell.

"“I don’t think you quite understand...I don’t have a sister. And if I did she would certainly wear something other than rags" - this isn't bad in itself, but only a moment ago Clem's "calm and cold demeanour" was "vanishing rapidly," his speech was illustratively disjointed, and this doesn't follow on from that - you say he's speaking "desperately, but he just sounds dismissive.

"I would have thought you might have been a bit more polite after trying to kill me" - isn't attempting murder about as impolite as one can get? If he values her existence sufficiently little as to try and end it, I'm not really seeing why he would values her sufficiently to care about employing social graces - as you say, "he had already determined that she was of low status and undeserving of any respect".

"Moziak let a wry grin slip, and immediately regretted it when his face clouded over with suspicion" - would she really be grinning in this situation? And isn't Clem suspicious already anyway?

"By the way" - isn't this a bit too casual a phrase for Clem to use at this point? It might be better to drop it; it's not as if bluntness wouldn't fit in with the "cold, agressive" manner you've stated him as possessing.

"If you don’t mind" - I'm not sure if this is meant to be sarcastic or not, but it doesn't really come across as such; again, it's a polite phrase I'm not sure belongs with something said through gritted teeth.

"“This is just impossible. How is it that a foolish little girl like her can break an angel’s skeleton, destroy my spirit creature and then think she can just claim to be my sister?” he moaned to himself" - I can't quite pin it down, but there's something a bit dodgy about the phrasing of this, and "moaned" doesn't convey the necessary anger.

"“For one who acts so cold and imperial, you can be rather immature,” Moziak huffed, crossing her arms" - no. You can see my point here, right? Just - no.

...

Okay, so - I should probably say this again at this point, because I've just gone through and picked out an awful lot of points that might seem to the contrary - I /like/ this story. I really, really do. I think it deserves to get published, because mostly it is more than good enough; it genuinely does just delight me. Even this chapter isn't bad, and I do get the impression it's merely that you've been writing quickly, because the chapters preceding it are of such a very high standard. Mostly what I'm saying with it is just to be a bit more consistent with the emotional tone, and probably picking phrases out as I did magnifies it into a bigger issue than it is. So - best of luck with the publishers, and keep writing, because the story remains fabulous overall.

- lessthan

this was very VERY long. i was intrigued for the first half but i found myself skipping a lot of parts because it was dragged on way too much. (i hope you won't take offence by this review but i think you have potential and i want you to see how you can do better). now i know ohtoowell that feeling where you want to make things last but i think this chapter could have been at least a 1/4 shorter. more of the short snappy chapters are better than fewer but more long-winded ones. ok now the praise: i thought you wrote this well, your portrayl of moziak (the girlcrow) was good and i am starting to like her a lot. she has a certain personality that you have put into writing. i loved your description of the Lady and of Prager. The 'traveller' too was well done - he had a quirk about him, sorta reminded me of hagrid in the way he speaked...but kinda different. the writing was good and i liked the dialogue. but i have lots of questions to ask:now i might not have been reading it properly because i am in a bit of a rush but here goes:what was fangthing?so allbeing is the highest you can get? then true deamon? and halfdeamon is the lowest? i liked that idea a lot - there is certainly a lot of creativity in this piece.and moziak. she is in the service of the lady? to do what? to go to the other region? im sorry i might sound a bit out of it. i will read this again and keep reading but don't criticise me because i am in a hurry, i just wanted to read this.this story has me kind of intrigued, it is a very good idea i like the description of the 'domain' and the way the guard says: 'beastname, rank and capital'. it makes it sound real. as i said before it is a bit long-winded but otherwise good. and me saying that could just be because im reading it at a computer rather than sitting down with cookies and holding it up. know what i mean?~lionessrampant

I wonder if you can figure out who i am through that name... if you didn't, I'm sure you can now.

Sorry I didn't review immediately for chapter 7, but I read it and I liked it. Anyway... to make up for it, I shall write a long review for both chapters.

~*~

Okay... chapter 7 first.

I liked this chapter quite a lot, though there wasn't much action to it. It gave more feel of your world (which is always handy...) and, well, everything seemed to flow on really well and seemed natural, rather than something which is REALLY forced and slow. Wait, let me collect my thoughts. Okay. I thought it was good how you introduced damefox, because not only did that explain better the whole concept of ranks, but also added to the diversity of characters. What would be really good is if damefox had more important roles later in the story, because than readers are like... oh! Omigosh I can't believe it... blah blah blah. Anyway.

Generally, I thought this chapter was kind of like a resting point where you developed more of your world rather than your plotline (unless there's something I don't know) but it was good because there had been so much action before. So yes, a well rounded chapter that suited your story.

~*~

Chapter 8

I gave you a lot of praise before, and now I'm going to give some criticism. You told me that you wrote this in one day, and whilst I was reading this, it became very obvious that it was evident not as much work and effort went into this chapter as the other ones.

For one thing: it was all dialogue.

Which I'm not saying is end-of-the-world. But a whole chapter of dialogue is too much. This chapter felt like an EXCERPT out of a chapter rather than a whole chapter. You need a few paragraphs there, having emotion and description and all that stuff that gives the reader a break from constant dialogue.

So you might consider editing that chapter and putting more substance into it? Because right now it's highly reminiscent of UB.

Which you probably don't want.

And I hope you don't take offense out of this, but I felt that generally, the quality of this chapter was not up to the standards of the chapters before. I felt that you were slipping back into fanfiction mode.

Also... some of the dialogue itself felt weird and awkward to me. This is just a personal thing and nothing against your writing skills, but I just thought that I'd let you know how the writing felt to me.

So quite honestly, I didn't like this new chapter half as much as I did its predecessors, and this may be primarily because the amount of time you spent on it. Trust me, from a reader's perspective, it's evident.

~*~

Okay... hope you're not feeling extremely offended (do try to remember I gave you heaps of praise in the beginning). I'm just trying to be nice and constructive and I expect the same from you.

So yeah... don't rush through your chapters if it means degrading the quality of your writing. By all means, write more and faster, but not on the price of the quality of your writing.

I thought I'd finish with a mathematical equation.

time is inversely proportional to quality of claire's writing.

I'll leave you to figure out what it means.

X

PS. Hope you're not mad that I was brutally honest.

PPS. happy new year! (SQUE. Year ELEVEN!)

No, I haven't deserted you. I have just been incredibly lazy... Oh well, what can you expect, it's summer holidays... In Australia anyways.

Penguin Publishers want you to send you the manuscript? Well if it gets published, I'm buying.

Moziak might've found her long-lost brother? This really is interesting. By the way, I'm guessing that what he said about the other daemons wanting them to burn is very important. I hope I get to read more about this soon...

Shinies To All!

Whoa!! And the plot thickens!! So now when magick from opposing people disappears, it means they're siblings? Or just related? o.O Wow. How intriguing.:) But wait, I think I'm missing out on something here...why does Moziak think he created the spirit creature? And how did she know to go to the wind rocks? *looks confused* Hmm...Shal's cool. And I didn't know halfbeasts could become dame/man! Interesting. You know it would be kind of nice if you were to provide more explanations... Reading about the first part was so unfamiliar that I thought I'd forgotten about Shal in an earlier chapter or something...[I didn't REALLY forget, did I?xD] But besides that, the way you write is quite marvellous. It's riveting! Haha. Brilliant cliffhanger.^^ Looking forward to your next update!!

Hey! Thanks for your reviews! Sorry I haven't visited for so long, schoolwork has been terrible. Well, nitpicking first!:P

"stinging bolts that struck mercilessly at frail body" You missed out the "her".

"Moziak lay still on the soft ground as she regained her right mind" Would it be better if phrased as "..as she caught her breath" instead? "regained her right mind" sounds...slightly wrong..I think it's a wrong context. What do you think?

"During a season peak the characteristic of either rain, storm, mist or snow was thickest and coldest" Hehe I had to read this a few times before I understood. The phrasing's a little awkward..I think "during season peak, the rain, storm, mist or snow was thickest and coldest" would help.

I think your setting is so cool.:D Travel storms and stormspeak! And creatures that can be created out of tree bark! Must be a handy substitute for a voice recorder huh. Lol! Hmm but I didn't understand how Moziak knew about the creature which would relay information... did you mention anything like that in earlier chapters? Sorry if I forgot!>< Ooh, wonder what the nightmare hints at.:D Well, I'm off to the next chapter!^^

I am struggling so very hard not just to leave a one-line review going "shiny! wow! write more!" because that's about my feelings: there's almost nothing that I think could be improved - you could maybe work on integrating your descriptions of people a little, because it's sort of like, as soon as a character's introduced their appearance gets itemised, and it doesn't flow with the sotry to do that too much - but it's not a big deal, and if there weren't so little else to pick up on I doubt I'd be mentioning it, because overall this is fabulous - I keep struggling to find the right way to talk about it, because it's intricate, with all these little pieces - information about the different types of being, about Domain, about the characters and about Moziak's past all fitting together - but at the same time it works as a whole, there's a clear central plot, and Moziak's a great viewpoint character - she's easy to sympathise with and care about without being annoyingly perfect. And I really want to know what happens next!

- lessthan

well this got me gripped. i'm looking forward to reading more later. OK, nice intro into the story, it got me reading which i can't say for much fiction. the last line '...trying to find truth hidden with the day'. nice. i liked the contrast between the different crows and i also liked the description of the girl though i cringed at the part of the hair. i liked the idea of the scars shaped like wings. when i first read that i was like 'hmm...' but when i read on, i decided it fitted perfectly. 'her true age was closer to 80'. beautiful, i can't wait to find out about this girl.'trying to find the mark' - again it makes me wonder. does she have some cruel, beak-nosed employer?The last line was good too,the whole prologue was a good length, i hope your chapters aren't too long.

Ok, I read the prologue... It's good. It's interesting, it pulls you in, it doesn't patronise the reader and it's pretty well written. Some sentences can be cleaned up to make them impact more, like,

"Controlling the anger forming into a scream, the girl clenched her hands and stood still, letting the raindrops slip down her skin without caring."

That sentence could be more concise. Perhaps something like, "Clenching her fists, the girl fought to control the angry scream that welled up inside her. The rain beat down on her still form but she didn't care." Or even 'but she didn't give a damn.' to make it sound harsher.

Just a suggestion. I'll read more later.