I really enjoyed readint this. You're a very talented author and have a lot of creativity. I'd also love it, if you have time, of course, if you could drop by and told me what you think of my story, 'You Can't Cheat Fate'?

So shoot me. I'm a bit of a nitpicky person. I'm gonna give this story a bit of a critique. I hope you don't mind, I'm not saying I hate you're story, but even great stories need to be ripped up, it helps them. Just don't get on my case and take it personally. Anyhow..

My first suggestion would be to seperate the chapters and publish them independantly on fictionpress. If you don't know how to do this, send me and email, I'll try to help. Thing is it makes it a bit of a different feat when you're reading five chapters in one shot. Also, because that is the way fictionpress is made to run.

PROLOGUEMaybe I'm weird but I don't understand the whole underline thing. I scroled through and it only seems to be on the beggining chapters. Maybe you should take it out or be consistant. The main problem with them is that they make the entire story look childish and too shallow for a teen to read it.

As for this jumping in and telling the reader everything, it depends on the effect you're looking for. The way this opens puts me in the mind of a child's tale, something written for someone younger than me (I'm 15). If you wanted to make this with an older audiance I would suggest opening by showing, not telling. It's a simple rule.

Here, take this example. A book tells you a villan is mallicias and blood hungary. Okay, thats nice, but another book shows you a scene where the villian goes out and kills everyone in the orphange-sleeping-just to get at their stuffed animals.

I hope the second one would get you more excited/angry at this villian. In the same light I would suggest that you show us (by haveing scenes that include these locations and people) what you have written in the prologue.

A prologue is written primarily to try and grap your reader's attention, not inform them everything about your character. I don't feal grabbed by this. If you're aiming for a younger audience (ten and younger), I think you're off to a fine start. As for older ages, a show not tell approach needs to be used. Also note that this far in there has been nothing interesting Alexa to really grab our attention and make readers want to continue. Odd facts can pul a reader foward.

CHAPTER ONE

lives in line one should be a 'lived'. Be sure to watch your tenses. If you start a story with 'once upon a time' you have no choice but to use past tense words. If, however, the once upon a time was removed, you could keep it in present as some authors choose to do.

have=had

"and on this nice they received a daughter to be named Princess Alexa" and on this nice what? I'm confused by this sentance.

I think most of this first paragraph could also fall under need for a correction from the 'show not tell' rule. Seeing these scenes would really be helpful. Also be sure to be careful in order to show that your not so nice characters are always well developed. So far Kynon seems like cardboard developed in order to make something bad happen.

"She charmed even the meanest and attracted all young men with her long, silky baby blue hair." A child between the ages one and two attract men? No, no...that just doesn't make sense. They would think shes cute but to young for attraction.

Watch it, watch it. Your Alexa character is on that careful boarder of being too perfect to be real. Characters like that can get a little obnoxious to those of us who understand in reality no body is perfect like that. Beauty, niceness, intellegence. So far you've created a character without faults. Perfect characters never do well in stories. Even fairy tale pricness arn't always perfect. They each have weakeness that lead to their downfalls. (before the prince came to rescue of course)

Why would Alexa be in danger if the queen died?

This thing with the queen's death could happen before the entire story, or else be brought into a series of scene happening in a week. Go ahead and peer into Alexa's head, it makesthe story mroe exciting and your character more real.

CHAPTER TWO

Again, watch your tenses. Stay in past.

So now the King is taking a turn that makes him look evil. Perhaps you should have introduced this side of him earlier, because before he seemed like a loving husband.

I don't like your alexa character so far. She's a bit shallow of a girl, a prett person but to frail for the harshness of life. Okay, I don't like her, but thats the way it goes.

With this whole ball thing I don't understand the stepmother's position. Instead of taking the sterotyped bill of giving her a cheep dres why doesn't she give her a beautiful dress and then degrade her by shamming her at the party while she is beautiful and admird by many?

You're kingdoms must be really close together if the queen herself would come with Alexa. Maybe instead of princesses you should have dukes and counts, etc. It would make it much more likely.

Why doesn't she want to see Axius, I assume he's the prince charming, but not only does she seem like a petite dunce, but now she's acting like a beautiful, but boring and unwitting cahracter. Give this girl some spunk, wit and bravery to come right up and do as she needs.

SHow her thoughts as she's in the garden, it could be a very postive scene if you do it right. Show her nerves and her thought. It'll make it stronger.

How can they miss eachother, it sounds like they havn't seen eachother for a long time. Childhood friends have a different, more shallow, relationship than to purely 'miss' a person. Unless they were older? I thought iwas implied however they hadn't seen eachother since they were 13.

"“I’m glad you think so, I only came to see you,” she said giggling." I thought this Alexa was supposed to be smart, thats what you kept going on with it in chapter one. But now she seems kind of dule to me. I don't think your accusation (that she is smart) continues to be true at this point.

Given the societ, some information on how kissing in public would be resieved would be nice. From what I know it would be a bit of a scandle for two members of royalty to show affection without prior permission from parents.

CHAPTER THREE

Also, about making characters not so flat, Anon and Kynon need to have their own individual thoughts and not be treated as a pair of individuals. They need, also, to have a deeper reason to hate her. Sure jelousy is strong, but these villians are flat, and lack lots of motive. When you're leading a country, it is hard to put so much spite on one girl. If they really wanted to all the would have to do was make it look like she hadtried to kill Anon or someone and then she'll have to be put to death. That simple.

Choking her to death? These villians are also unimaginative. Hanging or such like could be better, or if Anon has powers, why doesn't she use witchcraft.

If your character is intellegent, she needs to stop acting like a damsel in distress.

"She was in the garden, picking flowers when an arrow came out of no where and struck her in the heart" surely if this was the case it would not be difficult to find another method of killing her more sure than choking. On the otherhannd, with such a lie in place, investigatiosn would have to be underway to find out who shot the arrow.

Beautiful scene with Axius's weeping and all, but still it seems a little unmacho. Rather than having all he emotiosn spent by tears why don't you have him do something violent tha could result in his banishment and then the story gets more complicated as he tries to redem himself and Alxexa comes out of hiding.

Sleeping for two weeks? no, no. Even after nearly choking, a day would be all shee would need.

Her desperation could be better shown. Through a dramatic scene, mainly.

CHAPTER FOUR

"None of them were as pretty as Alexa, none of them smelled like her, or made his skin tingle when they touched him like she did. He decided to politely excuse himself and hide in the garden." AHA! Typical boy, only in for the physical pleasures of certain girl. Nah, really. He should be more enthralled with her character.

So the talkign bunny finally comes into play? For Iris to be a consistant character have her involved for the entire story, not jumping in now toward the end when you need for someone for Alexa to talk to.

No acusations that Alexa would be a ghost or that she might be his imagination, or a trick? Not a very smart boy, needs to consider the others out there who might be trying to trick him.

CHAPTER FIVE

Okay, yeah I like the ending of this all. About love inall, but still writing a blurb like that is closer to adressing the readers than letting the story speak for itself.

OVERALLThree things I'd suggest working on:-Show, not tell. Throughout this story scenes get robbed of beauty they could have if the scene was shown in its entirity.-Character devlopment. Villans and heroines need storonger motives and more developed, deeper characters.-We can see your characters thoughts, it maks a story more involving and more exciting.

On the whole, its a cute little plot you've got going. It could use some help though and get cleared up a fair bit. With some rewrites this could make a very beautiful story.

Khenna

Are princes will find us someday,he'll take me to my castle with your and yours at our side,we will see the world and live like we want. We will find our flower among throns and our angel among demons