The style is really choppy, in a way that kind of works, but kind of doesn't. My suggestion to improve this piece would be to just try blending lines here and there, keeping some lines short, blunt, choppy, the parts you want to emphasize a little mor than the rest maybe, and then adding some flow to the rest of it for smoother reading.

I really like the way you wrote this. It's short but it has a lot of meaning to it. Nice job