Honestly, the only thing I think could use some tweaking is the ending, as it almost seems a little rushed. Otherwise, I think it was as close to perfect as anything can be. I wish I'd found your works sooner, since I'm now a big fan.

It does seem rather compressed. You should put in something else other than emotional tension to get the boys to decide to leave. Child abuse, perhaps?

This is, however still a well-written piece. I like the fact you placed in tiny details like the orange lotion. :D It kinda makes it more... real.

Keep writing!

God bless

-dawn

To me this seems like a half story. A good half story but nevertheless not completed. What happens next? Why did the mother let the boys away so easily? It's like a tantalising bite for your readers at the bigger picture. When you get some time and inspiration (although I think there's plenty of it to be found in this story) you should carry on the good work. :-)

Stick with it,Gal_leena

That was really sad. the mother's indifferece. I dunno what I'd do if that was me, and my mum didn't care if I was running away. you capture the pain perfectly. I really emphaise with it, because of your great writing.

I don't think that parents fully understand how certain words or phrases can hurt their children. People always talk about how kids say the most horrible thing to their parents, but I think it's the other way around. A mom or a dad can say just one thing, and ruin a kid's day, week, month,-life. In other words, this story makes me think. It makes me wonder about my childhood and why I have such a horrible opinion of my father. But now I'm "grown up" (or so I like to think). And every kid probably looks back at one time and says, "How we got away... I'll never know." Excellent work.

This is a very sad usage of imagery,however

O.O

Oh! Oh that's so sad! AMAZING writing, though, please, please, please continue this! You've gotta turn it into a long multi-chapter story, PLEASE!

I LOVED this! It was AWESOME!

ooh! I really like this! It's so sad! I love your descriptions! They are some of the best I've ever read!Yes, I thought the plot was understandable. I thought it was great infact. I do agree that it was a little bit condencsed, you could definately make it longer (I would love that) Your descriptions are so beautiful, i would love to see more of them in that story. I also think there's room for a continuation! *wink, wink! know what I mean!* Well, I'll be looking for more! Well, I'm going to go read some more of your wonderful stuff! The Scottish Dragon

Lovely. I really enjoyed this. I love the images; they made me feel as if I was standing right there living this too. Amazing. Kudos!

And, if it was my own story, I'd expand it just a little. You do such an excellent job of description and a few places near the end would be nice to add some more unique imagery to.

Loved it. D

Really interesting piece of writing!I love your writing style - the reader, (I.e. me, lol) gets a definite feel for the world you create. It feels whole, you know? (No? Let me try and explain) It's like a real memory - not just sights, but fragments of thought, and smells, and sounds.I particularly loved the phrases:"Falling apart like the cracked halves of a shell" and "Sweet worn sunshine", I thought they were lovely descriptions. I thought you contrasted the happiness and the depression really well too! A really good piece of writing! Keep writing!

hm, i love the whole story except that line that he says his mom has changed, that just seemed to state the obvious.

but wow, this story. is better continue it, i was eating up every single word.

its so sad, but great. just, out of good words for how great this is.

I believe you definitely should continue... it leaves the reader hungry. You convey the character's emotions very well. Cheers, and origato for your latest reviews!

You've got a real character piece here, with some really lovely details and descriptions that make the reading. Tiny things like rubbing patterns into 'icy condensation' give it a great sense of feeling, as did the mother's 'citrus tang aura'.

I think perhaps your description of the mother after the death in that one paragraph is a little cliched, however. 'Grayer/colourless', in particular, is very commonly found. However, you make the contrast between before and after mother quite nicely.

I think it works fine as a short story; it gives the piece more poignancy and subtlety than if you were to expand greatly. Perhaps the only thing missing is seeing the mum and dad's relationship - perhaps add show how they engage in the beginning?

Well done, otherwise. :)