That was beautiful in its own romantic kind of way. It would make a great poem if you put the sentances into lines and whatnot...

The dark and the light. NOt very original but its what you felt. It seems very hammy sometimes.

I've found that sometimes the most powerful peices can come from talking about the darkness we have within us all. It's the spark of some poetry I've written such as Bloody Revenge and Revenge Beyond Death. It's really interesting that sometimes the darkest struggles can exist within ourselves.

Powerful peice. Good work.

Whoo-wee. I was scared this piece was going to turn into one of those dismal suicide rants, I was pleasantly surprised. your literary elements of writing Hell and demons, the way your characterize them has mush of the Poe feel to it. Though, not exactly. A hybrid or spring-off is more like it. I think, though, that there isn't much a metaphor as much as there is an image. And I think you could hone down the first paragraph by going deeper. Unless this was a true poem where repetition is necessary in line breaks, I think prose squeezes images and takes it farther, adds insight. That is what this piece might be missing.

We have the contrast of light and dark, good and evil, Heaven and Hell, we see these comparisons, but what are we doing with them? The message is clear, the beautiful lady, the angel dispels this darkness.. But, Trcef, we could delve deeper, and personify even further, these two concepts.

In your own life, what do these two things mean to you? What is YOUR "personal hell" and YOUR "celestial angel"? The minute you write implications into a story, is the very minute you breathe true life into it. You make it your own. Right now, it is only a description that anyone can take. But, when you add meaning to it, you add your patent, your copyright on this very thought.

This piece is a very spiritual piece. But only by motif. It doesn't have the spirituality of the soul, yet.

Let's talk about this:

Let’s talk about the technical things, first. Length-wise, it’s wonderful. And it has a nice literary feel to it, very poetic.

But think more about the images involved. Think about them in terms of allegories, metaphors, similes. What does “darkness”, in a literary sense, look like? Like a shadow, perhaps?

[The Darkness rises, to hide my heart and cloud my soul. Demons arise from the depths of that darkness, groping, reaching, and clawing at my mind with poisoned talons.] If so, then we could already eliminate one redundant word. “arise” can be replaced with, “stretch out”. Like shadows with claws, and borne from this darkness, they are hell’s shadows and they -stretch-. And, Darkness, though shapeless, has a definite deadness to it. When I think of the word “cloud”, I think of something wispy, I think of smoke. Bu this darkness is suffocating. “Clout” would work, “choke”, too. “Suffocate”, “strangle”. Even the word, “rise” itself has very little power to it. Darkness, like the grim reaper, looms over souls with a sickle. He’s immense, big, overpowering. And the darkness is impending, close, near, so it would be more powerful to refer it to “this darkness” instead of “that darkness”, or, more directly, “it”. You also use heart and mind a lot in this piece, so we should keep away from it as much as possible. Plus, it’s a little corny to refer to “my heart and soul”. Make it real, make it truthful! Let it apply to your life’s insights, because it’s -all you have- when you’re writing! So, re-worked, this sentence would be: [The Darkness towers, (and it) overshadows me. Demons stretch from its depths, groping, reaching, and clawing at my mind with poisoned talons.]

And now, since you’ve mentioned “mind” once, try not to do it again for another few sentences. [They cut into my mind, burrow into my soul, and tear apart my heart, the poison entering and coursing its foul way through me.] And, also, use all forms of punctuations and sentence variations to power up your pieces. There are some instances where it’s good to have short, concise sentences, and in other sentences, it’s good to use a lot of subordinate clauses and complex sentences. These lines are perfect to show just -that-. Reconstructed: [They claw and claw, then burrow into my soul, and tear apart my heart. The poison enters and courses its foul way through me.]

And it’s also good to use lots of similes and metaphors, so people get a good image of what you’re trying to convey. You have a -gold mine- of opportunities in this piece, whereas, someone writing about something else might not. Use it to your advantage! Look at this: [It taints all my thoughts, making them dark, while the demons revel in my tortured existence.] There’s a GOLD MINE here! [It taints me, dips my thoughts in the blackest tar. It’s thick and suffocating, I’m thrashing; the demons revel in my tortured existence.] Of course, my writing voice doesn’t sound the same as yours, but I’m only serving examples of techniques you could use. You’re a talented writer, you deserve a whole artillery of elements at your disposal to better articulate your thoughts.

Now that I’ve left elements at your disposal, I want to talk about the aesthetics. Insights, things that deepen writing. Writing is a very cleansing thing. It’s not just a petty mode of venting. You -said- this was a venting piece, but -look- how it turned out! It’s -art-! It’s art, Trcef, and it’s pretty to look at. Now, it’s time to take this art piece you have created, and turn it into expression. Then, it will be a masterpiece.

Out of all the literary stories and conceptions of hell, we have two versions in general. A -literal- hell, one of fire and brimstone and devils and Lucifer himself. Then we have a -figurative- hell. The figurative hell could be a myriad of things. But since, you talk about it as your own personal, torturous prison, can we be liable to say that there is a cause for this hell?

Loneliness? Fear? Insecurity? Someone else? The state of the world in general? What causes your mind to suffer? What is your demon?

My personal demon pushes -me- to obsessive-compulsiveness and perfection. It’s a little voice in my head that tells me I HAVE to do better, I MUST do better. It is arrogance and jealousy, and hurt. My personal hell is perfectionism, from which stems the unbearable natures of my particular personality.

Maybe, as provided through your profile, your personal hell is your shyness? And wanting to connect?

If so, make these implications clear in your writing. And then serve the contrast of this hell with, let’s say, a good friend who makes you smile.

Then you could say, Hell is a big cage that traps you alone, it is a leash that restrains you from reaching out, it is a voice that tells you you’re not good enough. And then, what is the celestial being, but a girl who tells you you’re a wonderful person, that you ARE good enough, and that you should reach out because, people will enjoy you?

This piece could have a lot a lot a lot more, Trcef.

Let’s take a sentence or two from each paragraph and transform them.

[This is a glimpse at my eternal prison. My torturous Hell. I wish I could end it, just destroy those demons and my Hell, but they are a part of me, sometimes more me than me, I think.] There’s already intent to want to get rid of this hell. Maybe we could say: [This is a glimpse at my eternal prison. My torturous Hell. It laughs and jeers, it cages me, it pulls me in and suffocates me, poisons me, silences me, until I could no longer cry out-- or say a simple, “Hello”. I wish I could end it, just destroy those demons and my Hell, but they are a part of me, sometimes more me than me, I think. This darkness has conjoined itself until I’ve become darkness, and I’m silent as a wraith.] joined to: [And to destroy them I must destroy myself, and that is one action that I do not have the will to do. So, my Hell continues, my demons rejoice at my pain, and I continue my tortured existence.]

You only need to throw in ONE implication to add meaning to a story. I hosted it here: [It laughs and jeers, it cages me, it pulls me in and suffocates me, poisons me, silences me, until I could no longer cry out-- or say a simple, “Hello”] People think, you’re talking just about Hell. Until they say, “What? Can no longer cry out, or say a simple ‘Hello’? God, what does that mean?” It gets them to think, what does Hell mean to you as the author, and they could directly relate to it or not. And say, “I’m this way, too. I’m shy, too. I can’t say ‘Hello’ to someone for the life of me.”

Do you understand?

I’ll do the second paragraph: [The one thing that could save me has returned.] Maybe this is lunch time. Sitting alone really sucks, and it -does- feel like Hell when everyone else around you is having fun and carrying on. The setting doesn’t have to be mentioned, it could be implied in very few words: “The one thing that could save me has returned. She has a brown bagged jelly turn-over she wants to share with me.” Now, we’ve given this being a face, a feeling, a personality. And we have inferred through the jelly sandwich that this might be some form of lunch time. She’s sharing a simple act and abolishing the “darkness” just with her compassion, and soon it fades away. And this person no longer feels alone, he feels friendly. And then we conclude: “Ohh, so his hell is loneliness, and his salvation is a girl reaching out to him at lunch time.”

A simple metaphor, dressed in allegories and figurative language, makes for a very impressive piece.

Please consider what I have written, if you wish to contend, my e-mail’s on my site, please contact me. I hope you found my advice helpful.

Miss Brighteyes has faith in you, and has recommended us to your site because she knows you are talented and have the potential to be great. I think so, too. I hope it was evident.

Write on, Trcef. Take advice as it comes and be open-minded. You’re on the road to writing many wonderful pieces to come, I’m glad to have had the chance to visit you.

The language of this piece was beautiful, and very eloquent. You have a lot of talent.

An interesting beggining to the story. The description is amaizing - a lot of details, very sensory. However, I must say that it's a tad overbearing. The images start repeating themselfs, such as "demons", and "hell". I would suggest commenting on other aspects of this darkness, perhaps the feel of it, trapped, cold, stoic? the expressions of the demons, the ambience, just so that it does not become repetitive.

The second paragraph was amaizing! I loved how the light spread, I could feel it - in here your description is strong, and your word choice is fantastic.

In addition, I loved the line "but they are a part of me, sometimes more me than me," - I can relate to that idea, and you have managed to frame it quite fantastically.

I can't wait to read ahead! I hope that you continue to deveelop this story, it has got me intrigued!xo - Acrobia

Aw. ^_^ Such a sweet ending. Felling depressedcan really shut you down so it's always good to have someone there, isn't it?

((-Fangirl X-))

thats a very good poem, i can realy relate to the frist part. keep writting.

demon torn and fire scared. erAced

This is of course beautiful Chris. I am glad you posted it. It's like poetry and prose and hope.

I think thats why I love it. It shows hope in the darkness. I think we all need someone like this in our lives. An angel to come take our dark hours away.

I hope you write more pieces like this. They definatly make me smile. Beautiful.