It always seamed to be in a permanent fritz...

-Edit: wrong kind of "seamed", you want to replace it with "seemed"

The young man said, metaphorically brushing the rumples from his clothes.

-I don't know what you mean by "metaphorically" in this sentence. What's the metaphor for the brushing of the rumples in his clothes? That his clothes are a metaphor for his life, and in that moment, he's trying to un-rumple it? Feels oddly placed to me, I've never seen "metaphorically" used that way.

First part

-I felt a little confused after Park said that he lived with Rasin, and then he started saying things like, "you're finally up, people don't usually do that around here" as if insinuating that Rasin doesn't live with Park and had just spent the night on this one occasion. It was a little misleading, because then upon further reading into the dialogue I feel like Rasin hasn't been there very long. But otherwise there were some great descriptions and I'm reviewing as I go-so my own questions will probably answer themselves :)

...he rubbed off the excess dirt from his body...

-Edit: since you use "body" in the earlier clause, I would suggest replacing it here with "skin" so it doesn't sound redundant

...almost feminine in fact.

-Edit: omit "in fact"

...he had only recently broken 5.6...

-5.6-you mean height right? So, 5'6'', isn't that usually how the units are measured? I'm in American English though so it could be different ect ect, if so ignore me, XD, I've just never seen it that way because I read it 5 (point) 6

...how old he was and, contrary to his appearance, he was no weakling.

-Edit: omit comma after "and"

Second part

-I liked to see the development of Park's character through the dialogue with Rasin, it was worked in nicely.

Third part

-Like your opening sentence a lot, it was very descriptive and included great imagery. Your action sequence was well written but a little generic, I feel like I've seen characters in these types of situations a million times before, and I would have liked to have seen their team work provoked by something a little more unique. But I did like the bit about the "Tide/hide" ryhme, that *was* very clever!

Amazing so, in fact, since they had been up...

-Edit: omit "so, in fact,"

Risan helped make it possible, though.

-Edit: since this ends with a preposition, I'd either suggest omitting the "though" or sticking it to the beginning of the sentence and ending with "possible"

Fourth part

-Hmm, not much happened but character development, which is always appreciated. Was struck with intrigue concerning the "tomboy" girl...

The skate park known as Aerial Alley was alive with many young daredevils ready to test their mettle,

-Edit: needs a period instead of a comma after "mettle"

"I show you MY real talents, you jackass!"

-I'd maybe italicize "my" instead of capitalizing it.

Fifth part

-It threw me off to start reading about a skate park at first, just because I didn't think we were in contemporary times with this story-but I recognize that I do that a lot with my own fiction (coughINSIWBcough) so I saw it as an unexpected development, but a nice one. It seems you also knew what you were talking about concerning the skate parks and everything, so I liked seeing that knowledge, I definitley believed your descriptions of the tricks. I also think that Chill was a great way to spice up the plot and everything, her introduction was unique and added a spin to Rasin and Park's other relationships.

Sixth part

-Hmm, interesting turn in character developments, I thought Joy's appearance and then her begging of Park seemed rather rushed and convenient for the story. I feel like it could have been stretched out more, but I feel like you've got a short-story vibe here going on with this piece and I recognize that, so I can step back and see things obviously need to happen quickly, I just noticed the pace picking up with Joy's appearance. I wonder how long Park has been away?

Seventh part

-Great action sequence, really had me caught up in your descriptions, everything stayed clear and I was able to follow, so there were good images embedded in it too!

Eigth part

-I liked how you ended because I felt there was resolution, and that's always a good thing, XD. I think you built up to a good climax in part seven and followed with the correct amount of falling action in this part, plus just the feeling of "completion"-*and* you stayed optimistic, and I think that fit the characters you've developed. Overall a solid short story/novella.

Ok, I found this story to be utterly confusing and hard to get into. It was a little all over the place, and I just couldn't follow it very well. The plot was cliche, but because you stated at the beginning it was a little anime, I'll look past that. Your characters, are actually quite developed. I suggest focusing more on them instead of the plot (just like anime), and let them tel the story. I did enjoy your dialoge, by the way. It seemed to come more naturally that the rest of the story. And the last thing, try to rework your dialogue tags a little more. Take out a lot, if not all, of the 'ly' words (i.e, cautiously, eagerly, simply, etc.). I think you can make your story more powerful and effective if these were not there.

All in all, I didn't care for the story too much as I found it confusing. But I like the characters and the way they interact with one another, you've got a real handle on your characters.

Wow! That isn't the type of story I'd normally read, being a girl and everything but I'm glad I read it. Your characters are well developed. The story is really well written. I can almost see all the fight scenes playing out in my mind. I like how its just a day in the life of some cool guys and it leaves you to wonder about their next adventures at the end...

This really needs to be edited for grammar:

"to rise up and through"- "and go through"

"taking his dingy gray overalls from its place"- "their place" subject/verb agreement.

"He stepping into"- "stepped into"

"It always seamed"- "seemed"

As for the plot, it was confusing at points but generally, i thought it was ok.

Although I may be biased because i'm not a fan of anime type stories.

Overall, it was extremely confusing. I kept on seeing the time period as in the 20s-30s where everyone's suffering or later in that time period where the rich and poor are becoming more distingusihed. The overall story doesn't go with the title very much and your sentence structure is a bit shaky. I can understand if it's a few years old, but you should have gone over and proofread it before posting it. But I did like the fighting scenes. You do a good job with describing them.

Hi, noticed you on the forum "RisanF's Review Shack" I'll try to go after the basic structure you laid out as well. Well, here it goes:

Style:

"“No,” Park smiled at Risan. “I don’t miss it at all.”"

Wonderful ending to that second scene! I suggest trying to do this as much as possible; having strong lines at the end.

You also have a good sentence of handling your sentences. You don't start all of them with nouns (which many people tend to do), and they vary in length, as do the paragraphs. That is REALLY good

Plot:

I like how you have things decided and such (and info planned out) but you don't just immediately go on an info-dump as soon as possible. Rather you scatter the information, which makes it come off more natural.

Characters:

What a powerful entrance Slick got! :D It was a real something, SHOWING what he was rather than just talking about it. Well done!

I like the way Chill speaks, though I dislike her name :/ Too weirdo. Also I really love the ending dialog in that scene where Chill and Slick are introduced ; Show their character real well.

The introduction of Joy wasn't that impressive. I couldn't really feel the torment and love and anguish and all that, and mainly I was just annoyed by Joy (too darned dramatic for no reason) Though as before, when the other characters and scenarios are lacking, Risan shines. I do suggest you make him shine more when others can do that too ;

Grammar:

"he usually slept on[,] to rise up"

I feel that it gets a bit awkward without the comma there.

"He stepping[try "stepped"] into the pants' leg, and pulled the straps over his small shoulders."

Also a bit of an awkward sentence there.

"“You’re up finally,”"

Try 'You're finally up', or 'You're up. Finally."

"took a back seat[one word: backseat] due to expenses"

"Then again, he never again"

again, again. Unnecessary repetition in such a short amount of time. I'd try avoid that. Try to skip "Then again," and replace it with something else. Like "Though"

" to the pipe wielder. When he reached the thug, he deftly swept the pipe from"

pipe, pipe. Try using "weapon" at the second one. You have a lot of "pipe wielder" there also, so you don't want to get redundant by stating the known too many times.

"spit[t]ing out the blood"

"A sound of desperate sobbing sounded"

sound, sounded. Unnecessary repetition. Try to use a synonym.

"“Hey, here me out "

it's "hear"

"their mettle, They"

Why is the 't' capitalized?

"was unnecessary, Park thought, but he had to at least try to avoid any unnecessary conflict"

unnecessary, unnecessary proves for needless repetition. Synonym please

Other:

"But my friend doesn’t like it when I give in to excessive violence" , "So if you all remain nice and quiet and just walk away, you’ll save me the pleasure of beating the ugly out of you."

; Haha! Risan has now started to seriously rock and grow interesting (Park was the one that intruiged me at first, Risan seemed plain in comparison. But now, with such wonderful dialog, I hope he keeps this attitude up

I didn't much care for the scene in which they save them kiddies though. It felt a tad boring, I must say. And the scene with Park comforting the girl didn't really get to me. Rather, Risan was the interesting one, and the only interesting one.

Coming to think of it; it doesn't make much sense how Park could have gone super fighter in the matter of three months. :/ I mean, he didn't even seem to fight before, nor have met Risan before. I don't get how they came together.

Overall impression:

I dislike that despite their young age (you refer to risan and park as boys) they are some sort of masters at fighting and can take out 30 guys. It is just too unbeliveable and unrealistic, and I just cant buy it. Especially since Park just joined Risan THREE months ago

Lovely ending though, as was the story. I liked it for the characters and their feelings. I did not like it for their superiority (everyone was top-notch at everything. Chill and Slick were the best skaters, Risan and Park were the "bestest" of fighters. It just took away interest). So my suggestion is to make them more vulnerable. Otherwise, good story! :D

- Frac

Hey, this was pretty cool. I loved your use of imagery. You're very good at it (using imagery that is). I didn't find any grammatical errors (or anything of the sort) either, so that's good. I was just wondering... since you said this was from your high school days, is it [somewhat] based on your experience in high school?

-Hali, member of reviewers_found (sorry if I'm a little late!)

This was a very nice one shot. I liked the detailing that you had in it, though I felt in some areas you could've given more of a description.

The beginning just like any other in its own way, is capturing. How you describe the leaking pipe as a build up into more important matters is good, rather than jumping into the story automatically.

[He stepping into the pants leg...] I think it should be [stepped] and [pant's leg].

The we meet the roommate, who undoubtedly seems to be the opposite of park just by the description of his clothes.

[It didn't surprise him that was aleady done.] You forgot [he].

[Having finished, he turned to Risan, who was leaning against a wall with crossed arms. It didn’t surprise him that was already done; he usually only gave areas a quick once-over with his soap. He still wasn’t used to washing thoroughly, as Risan led the kind of life where personal hygiene took a back seat due to expenses.] It's like I said, a roommate that is the opposite of him. This little paragraph made me laugh.

[Heading Risan’s advice...] I think you meant [heeding].

And it seems by the end of the second part the short is beginning to make more sense. It's good that you didn't rush into any deatils for why he's chosen the lifestyle he lives now.

[“I suggest you stay down,” Risan said, having already subdued the chain wielder. “I’d love to kick your butts over this hell-hole. But my friend doesn’t like it when I give in to excessive violence.” He motioned to Park, who remained in his stoic battle position. “So if you all remain nice and quiet and just walk away, you’ll save me the pleasure of beating the ugly out of you.” With a bloodthirsty grin, he cracked his knuckles to show that he was absolutely serious.

The two hoodlums staggered to their feet uncertainly, in a conflict between running and fighting. Risan made up their minds for them.

“Now, get out of here!” He tossed the chain in the general direction of the thugs, and they took off like scared mice.] This part made me laugh. I could almost imagine the scenario. And you were right this defintely sounds like an anime-like story.

I figured sometime in the story Joy would come back into the picture, and it's of course after Chill is introduced. And in all, since I didn't find anything else when I was reading, I'll say that I enjoyed reading it over all.

i liked this one-shot

the description was amazing especially in the fight scene at the end..although that may have been TOO...agressive but that's probably just me

i liked the scene with joy...i'm almost hoping that her in risan will get together because of their hatred for each other-a typical cliched thing...but that would be mean to park so scratch that

it would be great if you continued it because it has a lot of potential

:) me