FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| The Lark Ascending 2006-09-06 ch 1,  | abuseHi, I happen to be reading/reviewing this because I noticed a review you left on someone's board. Anyone who writes a decent, thorough critique must be a decent writer overall, so. . . well, you didn't prove me wrong - your prose is concise in general, and while I'm bound to feel that your description of the geographical setting is wanting a bit in multiplicity (ok, the rice patties; but what did they remind you of? ok, it stinks, but what does it smell like other than 'bad'?) I admire that you kept your narrative to the point, which I often struggle with. One other thing that caught my attention: your description of your grandmother's personality (in the story; not judging your personal life here =)suggests that she's really rather malicious towards [you], what with purposely ruining your playtime etc. . . but then you state, somewhat paradoxically 'don't get me wrong, I love my grandmother'. I wonder if it's necessary to insert that kind of a disclaimer; it seems like you're worried about hurting your grandmother's feelings. Personally, I think (as a short story) this doesn't benefit from a repeated pronouncement of your love for your grandmother; the impression of how bizarre you (and consequently your reader) find the situation at the restaurant is lessened by it. Glad I happened on your work, and I invite you to take apart my work if you will. |
| jussanothergull 2006-05-26 ch 1, | abuseThat story was fun! |
| Elbereth141 2005-09-27 ch 1, | abuseheyz, pont! s'been awhile! quitea good peice this one, though i was expecting a bigger disaster ^_^ wild animal can be ok, i've tried kangaroo... at least, i think it was kangaroo... and i'm still alive, lol :)hmm... i'll go read some of your new stuff, i havn't been on here for ages... |
| EclipseMystic 2005-09-22 ch 1, | abuseI know how you feel! It's the same way on the mainland, I felt like I was going to get run over every time I crossed the road! And they don't even required seatbelts installed in the back seat, since no one ever uses them anyway... my dad did once in a taxi and got his shirt streaked with dust! @_@ Plus, my aunt is a TRAFFIC COP, and her colleagues swerve into opposite lanes too! scary... |
| earthsong12 2005-09-21 ch 1, anon. | abusetoo lazy to log in :P Hehehehe, I love this story. You know there's a movie where these people run a restaurant that supposedly serves endangered animals, but it's all a scam and it's actually duck or something. I don't remember what it's called. Anyway, great story! Only two things I noticed: In the 5th paragraph you have 'squinty' twice close together, and same thing with 'determined' in the 7th paragraph. Great job, keep writing and all that stuff! ~earthie |