I see you handle third person as well as first. That's always good, to be a writer who seems comfortable with either. It's nice to get a chance to see inside Hideki's mind. That's the joy of third person, you get chance to see more than in first. At least that's what I think.

That's an interesting style, although I prefer the style used for the other chapters since it's easier for me to follow. Maybe I'm just an idiot if I get confused at this but oh well. It was still funny. I like the first half. Leaving the planet instead of the room, oh the comedy!

*giggles* Yeah, that was pretty funny. Never let it be said that Riku doesn't do what he says (thinks?) he will. The PS is the icing on the cake ^_^

Something I like about these is how it's sci-fi but it's not obvious. Since for Riku it's a part of everyday life it's just casual references to whatever and I like that. It works well for these.

I think that the main character in this is engaging, and the whole thing has a real nice flow to it, easy to read as well.

Hmm . . . again I don't really have much to say. I liked it, and it did seem to show a softer side to their relationship.

Ok, on the whole I liked chapter 6 the best. My least favorite was most likely chapter 4, which really didn't do much for the story. I would have to say that the strongest chapters would have to be 1 (which to me is pretty choppy and could use a little bit of TLC) chapter 2 and chapter 6. This one is pretty good too. I do have a fondness for chapter 7, but those people seem like completely different characters who just happen to be named Riku and Hideki.

Well, I don't have anything else to say, being that I've said way too much already. I'm sorry if I didn't do my usual ego massage at the beginning of most of your reviews, but you asked for honest criticism so you got it. I really do like this; even though I'm not a fan of slash, but I have to wonder why it is they you as a girl are drawn to slash. I mean I have nothing against homosexuality at all, in fact I'm pretty indifferent to it, so I just kind of wonder what it is that you find so interesting . . . maybe it would be interesting for you to write something about why you like it as a exercise or something . . . it might help you improve this, or maybe not.

Ok, to reiterate . . . the sex isn't steamy enough to be a lemon, well maybe I'll make an exception of chapter 3 which was pretty steamy. But there is too much sex to be a mainstream story. It's really well written, the characters are a little bit sketchy sometimes and seem to change a little too quickly from one chapter to another, with the exception of chapter 6 there is little to no sense of place and the story really seems to be arbitrarily set in a sci-fi kind of world . . . although there really isn’t enough written to even know if it is a sci-fi world, but I would have to say that this has LOTS of promise.

hi, this is the same review as my other one for chapter 7, but this one isn't all smushed together . . .

Riku does NOT seem like someone who would cut himself! He does not seem self-destructive at all. He seems like the kind of kid who is a nice guy, but if he had to choose something bad happening to you or him, he would chose you every time. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Riku, and he really seems like a likeable guy, but someone looking for revenge because some guy stole his car parts or something from him and then a few thousand words later cutting himself . . .

And why’s he wearing a school uniform?

You wrote: “’People can hurt me and things can hurt me and I can't stop them. But I can still hurt myself too, if I want to, I guess. No one can take that away from me.’

He'd wondered about it himself, from time to time. It wasn't that he wanted to kill himself; it was actually the furthest thing from his mind. But there was something about it, about pain that you could cause yourself, or stop, anytime you wanted to. Something about the sight of your own blood, drawn by your own hand. Riku shrugged again, more to himself than to Hideki that time.”

The first bit I wholly disagree with and does very little to get his point across, but the paragraph where he is thinking about killing himself and all is most likely the best thing I’ve read on FP (or anywhere else, being that I don’t really read books about cutters) about self-mutilation. It is very beautifully written and I think perfectly describes why someone might do something as well . . . stupid as cut themselves. I mean it is the most illogical and irrational thing in the word to say that pain makes you feel good, but you really make it seem understandable.

Again Hideki seems to be oblivious of how others see him I mean he says, “I don't want to control you.” But he guy was just holding a blade to Riku’s wrist and then started to tongue rape him . . . kind of controlling . . .

I have to say that compared to the others, this one really sticks out like a sore thumb. I mean they’re in school all of a sudden and Hideki is being exceptionally nice . . . I really like it, but Riku and Hideki really don’t seem to have much on common with the characters in the others, other than the same names. I honestly think that this one would work better if you just changed the names of the characters because it seems to be way far way from what is going on in the rest of this story/collection of one shots.

This one kind of suffers from the same problem as the some of the others seem to. This would be lovely if it was just about a kid who is dealing with the fact that his hurts himself . . . but them you throw the sex in there and it seems to come out of the blue just because you want to add sex, but it really has no function in the story. (i.e. the ** in chapter 6 showing that Riku actually cares about Hideki and you made that seem sweet.) What Hideki says to Riku is what has a function in the story i.e. not everyone is out to hurt him. The kissing/making out/sex would be ok, but in this one, and especially in the first chapter, the sex isn’t graphic enough to be a lemon, and is too prevalent in this story to not be a lemon. It’s kind of hinged in the middle. I honestly think this would be a great complete story if you did some editing and wrote some more non sex scenes. It would be really great, and for being 14, I have to say that you have a LOT of promise as a write, so keep it up. And you know that if you ever want to ask me anything about your story or to explain what I’ve said, but wasn’t that clear about please feel free to email me. Ok, to reiterate I like this one a lot, it seems too different from the others to really fit in this collection.

I liked this one, and it’s nice to see if from Hideki’s first person POV. Not much to say about thins one . . . but it was nice and well written.

Riku does NOT seem like someone who would cut himself! He does not seem self-destructive at all. He seems like the kind of kid who is a nice guy, but if he had to choose something bad happening to you or him, he would chose you every time. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Riku, and he really seems like a likeable guy, but someone looking for revenge because some guy stole his car parts or something from him and then a few thousand words later cutting himself . . .

And why’s he wearing a school uniform?You wrote: “’People can hurt me and things can hurt me and I can't stop them. But I can still hurt myself too, if I want to, I guess. No one can take that away from me.’He'd wondered about it himself, from time to time. It wasn't that he wanted to kill himself; it was actually the furthest thing from his mind. But there was something about it, about pain that you could cause yourself, or stop, anytime you wanted to. Something about the sight of your own blood, drawn by your own hand. Riku shrugged again, more to himself than to Hideki that time.”The first bit I wholly disagree with and does very little to get his point across, but the paragraph where he is thinking about killing himself and all is most likely the best thing I’ve read on FP (or anywhere else, being that I don’t really read books about cutters) about self-mutilation. It is very beautifully written and I think perfectly describes why someone might do something as well . . . stupid as cut themselves. I mean it is the most illogical and irrational thing in the word to say that pain makes you feel good, but you really make it seem understandable.Again Hideki seems to be oblivious of how others see him I mean he says, “I don't want to control you.” But he guy was just holding a blade to Riku’s wrist and then started to tongue rape him . . . kind of controlling . . .I have to say that compared to the others, this one really sticks out like a sore thumb. I mean they’re in school all of a sudden and Hideki is being exceptionally nice . . . I really like it, but Riku and Hideki really don’t seem to have much on common with the characters in the others, other than the same names. I honestly think that this one would work better if you just changed the names of the characters because it seems to be way far way from what is going on in the rest of this story/collection of one shots.This one kind of suffers from the same problem as the some of the others seem to. This would be lovely if it was just about a kid who is dealing with the fact that his hurts himself . . . but them you throw the sex in there and it seems to come out of the blue just because you want to add sex, but it really has no function in the story. (i.e. the ** in chapter 6 showing that Riku actually cares about Hideki and you made that seem sweet.) What Hideki says to Riku is what has a function in the story i.e. not everyone is out to hurt him. The kissing/making out/sex would be ok, but in this one, and especially in the first chapter, the sex isn’t graphic enough to be a lemon, and is too prevalent in this story to not be a lemon. It’s kind of hinged in the middle. I honestly think this would be a great complete story if you did some editing and wrote some more non sex scenes. It would be really great, and for being 14, I have to say that you have a LOT of promise as a write, so keep it up. And you know that if you ever want to ask me anything about your story or to explain what I’ve said, but wasn’t that clear about please feel free to email me. Ok, to reiterate I like this one a lot, it seems too different from the others to really fit in this collection.

You wrote: “A man wouldn't be afraid of words or a touch that slightly too rough.”

It should be: “A man wouldn't be afraid of words or a touch that is slightly too rough.”

You wrote: “A man held no mysteries to him.” Is Hideki crazy or just stupid!?! That guy is one super large freaking mystery! I mean Riku had sex with the guy before he even knew his name! Ok . . . I’m done ranting.You wrote: “Making love. It was Riku who had taught him that.”I have to say that Riku seems like the kind of guy that likes to ** and not make love. Thus far that’s all he’s said. He’s never mentions the L word.This one is by far my favorite, and I have to say that it works the best as a one shot. And I guess I was wrong . . . Riku does like to use the ‘L’ word. As much as I like to hear Riku’s thoughts and I love his POV, I honestly like this a lot better, being that you really seemed to have a problem delving into Hideki’s character from that POV. Plus this one has a very good sense of place and it’s nice to see Riku from someone else’s perspective. But has a lot of time passed? They now seem to be in a serious relationship.

You wrote: “Unlike some people, I don't have a death wish.” It’s a nice line to give the reader a little bit of back ground info about Hideki.

You wrote: “What, did you swallow the ** Joy of Sex book?”

Joy of Sex should be italicized because it’s a title.

Hmm . . . I have to say that personally I’m NOT a fan of this style of writing, so I can’t really be too constructive . . . All I can say is that after your little A/N in the middle of this one I really had absolutely no idea what was going on. Zip. I had no idea who was saying what, and other than the sex and most likely sex toys, I didn’t know what was going on. If you want to keep the style the same, which is fine you really need to put in a few more tags about who is actually speaking. If you don’t want to add ‘Riku said’ the just add it into the dialogue i.e. ‘shup up, Riku.’ I read a book that had quite a few sections written that way and you might like it. It is a really good book. It’s called the “The Death of Artemio Cruz” by Carlos Fuentes. I highly recommend it if you are interested in this style of writing. If you want to check it out there are few pages that you can look at on Amazon. But he melds together quite a few different writing styles so you might like to read it to see how he does that, but it is kind of a hard read.

And again I’m confused about the context of this stories reality . . . they have McD’s and the Joy of Sex? You really need to spend more time developing a sense of place. The dialogue is very well written and seems to be extremely real, but I do kind of miss Riku’s sarcastic voice which for me is the most interesting thing you have going on in your story. But one thing that I forgot to mention from earlier . . . why exactly did Riku want to get revenge on Hideki? Just because he stole some of his parts and acted like they never slept together?

Rikus Letter. You need an apostrophe Riku’s Letter.

Aviary: A large enclosure for holding birds in confinement.

I think you meant aviation equipment.

What can I say, very funny. But you are going to have the to and from lines at the beginning then you should fill them out . . .

Again, title should be in bold or underlined.

Question? Did the write the scene where Riku saves No Name? I would like to read it . . . or maybe there will be a flash back later. And just so you know the only Riku that I’ve ever come across is from FFX and she’s a girl . . . is the name unisex?

You wrote: “Guess he thinks where battles are concerned I'd be better off going door to door selling Scout cookies than being on the front line.”

This is yet another reference to something that I’m not sure the character should be referencing . . . If he spent all his life growing up in space then what would he know about selling anything door-to-door?

You wrote: “You just don't, not unless it's going to be a really long and really boring trip.”

It should be: “You just don't; not unless it's going to be a really long and really boring trip.” Or you could make it 2 sentences.

You wrote: “It'd be like a professional chef using a machine to whip up a soufflé.” I watch a lot of cooking shows, I know I’m weird, but ALL the chefs use machines to whip they love those fancy $500 Kitchen Aid stand mixers. (Sorry that was off topic . . . ;-P)

Ok. . . . Spandex boy, Superman, Mr. No Name, Soldier boy . . . you really need to stick to one euphemism for this guy because it’s really confusing.

You wrote: “Nobody make their voice cold like this guy.”

Did you mean, “Nobody can make their voice cold like this guy.” Or did you mean what you wrote?

You wrote: “I managed to laugh, no way in hell I was going to tell him that this was really starting to ** well hurt.”

It would be ‘was I,’ instead of ‘I was.’ And at the end the ‘well’ is unnecessary and makes it wordy. I know this is the way that the main character speaks so leave it if you want, but add some punctuation.

Are they both in spandex? . . . Ok both not in spandex . . .

You wrote: “Either he had taken some excellent notes that one time we were together, or he was just a really quick learner because in about two minutes I was ready to just give it up.”

I would assume that spandex knows how to pleasure a pee pee being, like in the last chapter, guys are rather we known for their habit of masturbating, so if he knows what feels good for him, wouldn’t he have a heads up on a girl who was touching a dick for only the 2nd time?

You wrote: “who could **better than Superman?” You need a space between ** and better.

And they call me a **... I hate turns like ** and ** . . . sorry, that was a personal rant . . .

Question? How did he discover his name was Hideki Sato? Did he tell Riku?

Ok, well this is a good story. Riku is a very interesting character, and also pretty funny, you also do a really good job of writing from the male perspective, which is something that I greatly applaud! I still don’t see why you call this a bunch of one shots.

Again, there was no real sense of place, and there is little to no character development for Hideki, but all in all I like it. I kind of wonder why it is that you set this one in an alternate universe, or where ever it is . . . there really isn’t enough detail for me to tell. I would think that you would be able to add more details, and make it more realistic, if you set the story in a place you’re familiar with. I still kind of see this as all taking place in some kind of gang or something like in “The Outsiders.” Did you ever see that movie or read that book? Or I could even see it taking place as part of a modern war like Vietnam . . . Well, the sex scene was very well written and pretty steamy. Every chapter your writing style gets a lot better and your grammar is good.

You might want to make the titles bold or something so that they don’t seem to be part of the story.

You wrote: “I had ** up. Big time.”

It should be: “I had ** up: big time.”

You wrote: “My first major confrontation in this damn war and my adversary had had to save -my- **.”

I don’t understand the slashes around my . . . it doesn’t make any sense to me, maybe if you just italicized it. And I don’t think that you mean adversary being that an adversary is the opponent you fight against and I don’t know why his opponent would save him.

Riku Tanaka? It that the same guy from chapter 1? I think so . . .

“What it did was make me hard enough to pound nails” really clichéd phrasing. How about hard as and then put in something in the space ship like the metal walls or something in one o the engines or something. . . but I do like the turn Mr. Winkie! LOL!

Deathscythe is that a planet or something? Explain.

You wrote: “I suppose I'm weaker than he is in that.” This sentence really doesn’t make sense. In that what?

“Once.” Very good one word sentence!

You’re lucky that I like to write my reviews in word because the power just flashed off and it auto save saved most of it . . . I’m not going to go back and pick out what I had collected while reading since then. Sorry.

Well, anyway . . .

I’m really confused as to why you have these as a collection of one shots when aren’t these the same characters from chapter 1 and isn’t it just a continuation of the same events? If this continues on like this I have to say that it would be a lot stronger if you made this an actual story instead of a bunch of one shots. All you need is a little bit more character development and to take a little bit more time to introduce you characters and to introduce the location. Even in this one there is at least a general sense of location, but it really isn’t that good. I have to say that I know next to zip about manga, but if you described what was going on then most likely even people like me who know nothing about the genera will be able to follow along. But on the whole this chapter was less choppy and had a better flow than the other ones.

You wrote: “There are very few things in this world that I hate more than silence. For no more reason than when it is quiet, you can hear. Everything. People walking, people moving, people crying...people dying.”

It would make more sense if it were like this: “There are very few things in this world that I hate more than silence, for no more reason than when it is quiet. You can hear everything: people walking, people moving, people crying...people dying.”

Instead of saying Way in the next sentence it would be better, and make more sense if you again said “You can hear way more than I like to hear,”

In the first Paragraph I think you mean couldn’t instead of could.

Just a side note I say Jackie Chan on a talk show talking about how he sets his own bones . . . it was gross!

You wrote: “This guy could work through lunch if he wanted to, but I'd missed more than enough meals in my life, thanks much, and I don't skip out on food if I possibly can.”

The ‘thanks much’ doesn’t make much sense to me. And instead of “possible can” at the end, it would make more sense if you said “possibly can get some”

You wrote: “throwing me into the front of an unknown but still oddly familiar car.”

Ok, confusion . . . you made 2 references that they were on a ship, so where are they to begin with ?

You wrote: “I woke up with a jerk, my cheeks stiff with drying tears”

Kind of cheesy . . . have you ever actually woken up crying, because I know I haven’t, but if you have then leave it.

You wrote: “disgusted with the feel”

I think you meant feeling . . .

Tanaka . . . I have no idea what that is? Is that important?

Onto instead of unto.

You wrote: “was -embarrassed-, and”

You should either use the big slashes, (I don’t know what they’re called) like this “was—embarrassed—and” or “was embarrassed, and” but not both the comma and the slash.

Ok, so far I think that you have done a pretty good job of writing from the POV of a man, but I honestly don’t think that most guys refer to guys like you’ve described Mr. No-Name as being cute. Handsome, sexy über **able, but not cute . . .

You wrote: ” If I offended you somehow, then I...”

Instead of the dots at the end it should be a slash – that means the person was cut off. The dots mean that someone pauses.

About asking if he’s clean . . . why don’t they just wear condoms? It’s always safer, even if you know the partner, or just don’t mention the fact, being that I personally wasn’t just worried about his health . . .

You wrote: ‘Leaning up, I slid one hand behind his neck and kissed him, hard.’

It should be: “Leaning up, I slid one hand behind his neck and kissed him: hard.”

You wrote: “He did everything I told him to, no question, which was, well, hell, it was weird, for me.”

Way too may commas and a strange sentence structure, how about something like: “He did everything I told him to, no question. Which was, well hell, it was weird for me.”

You wrote: “Didn't ** me off enough not to enjoy it though.” Slap a ‘but’ in from of it and add it to the end of the paragraph before it. . .

Ok, you do a pretty good job with character development, but it would have been nice if you would have given the main character a name. The only thing that is sorely lacking form this is a sense of place . . . only now that I’ve finished this and now that I remember that it’s classified as manga and you made a reference to mobile suit do I know that hey are on a space station of something . . . I honestly don’t think that it is necessary top set this in space, being that it had nothing to do with the story. To me I was picturing the this guy as being a street kid who would sleep in abandoned warehouses and stuff . . . you really have absolutely no sense of place whatsoever, and nothing in here screams manga, especially when the guy is singing ‘Hey Jude.” Oh the whole it was a good read. You could have spent a little more time in developing No Name’s character because he’s kind of flat, but the main character is nice.

Well, TTFN