This is very dark. I really enjoyed reading it. No mistakes from what I could see. I never really like to write short stories myself, but I do like reading them. Much better then what I could do. :)

Ghoulish, grotesque, and macabre.

Short stories are an interesting medium, to which I'm not often exposed. There's an art to their condensation, revealing only snippets of a complex environment, twisted just so, to provoke a calculated reaction.

This is a very good short story. It's an interesting idea which could have been carried further--but the stylishness would be lost in elaboration, and it would risk becoming a cliche.

Some of your descriptions could use a little work; a short story can afford to be saturated with detail, and I feel it would have enriched this piece. As it is, it's not quite Spartan ... but there's a lot the reader is left to guess at. For instance, there is no description of Carmine, the main character. Details on the main character's appearance should be worked subtly into the narration, as early in the piece as possible.

There were many good points counterbalancing this deficiency, however. Both the opening and closing were artfully chosen, and the way you skirt around 'his' obsession in the start, without being explicit, adds nicely to the mystery. All the central details of the story were great.

You really should do some more writing ;)

Pretty good twist. Never thought the main character is the bad guy. The beginning is pretty suspenseful as well. Don't know what is going to happen next. However, there are some parts that are a bit hard to follow. After the landlady told Carmine that he was dead, did she left? Because you never mention about her. It just seems that she left. Also, you mentioned bones, did she find any bones in the box, or she just imagined it?Overall, a very well written short story. Keep up the good work. =)

Wow.

First, let me say that this was quite intense and rated correctly. I thought you did a wonderful job with Carmine's characterization. When first intrudced I figued she would be just like any other heroine, but then obviously my mind changed as the story moved on. I must admit I am curious about this man, how Carmine heard of him, and so forth...but since it is a one-shot, I meant to be left with questions. The writing in itself was good. Your details were nice and when her thoughts were cut off it felt natural instead of forced. I thought the ending being so close to the start was great.

As for a bit of CC...I must say that some of the dialogue wasn't at the peak of greatness. ‘What is that?’ Carmine exclaimed. -- come "Carmine explained" was fakey sounding. As is later "she wondered" and so on. Lots of those aren't needed. "Said" and "asked" can suffice, or sometimes you just don't need them. Also, quickfix it seems got cha. "thankyou" should be two words but they were smooshed together.

Overall, I thought it was quite well done

Mack

What the heck? It'll let me do anonymous review for this story, but not for the other?! OI!

Okay, yes. In the other story, I just wanted to add--what is 'dest-testing'? I get the testing bit, but don't understand where the 'dest' came from. Um...yes. I wanted to put it there, but, only one review per chapter and...bleh.

In this story--eighth line, 'Thankyou' ought to be two seperate words.

Hmm...biggest CC here would on the overuse of noun sentence openers, but, well, that's one of my little quirky...quirks.

Ew! Eating the dead flesh on the sword? Okay, this is just freaky. No offense.

...what the heck is Carmine? Besides twisted? Not that I really have anything against twisted characters, but that was just a bit...unexpected.

Er...yeah. Really 'out there', but in a well done sort of way, instead of the rather lame way that I find too often here on FP. So, good job!

Well that was an interesting story! Simple, short, and very effective. Spelling and grammar seem fine.

The only thing that I didn't quite like was the gore. Although not a big fan I can usually stomach this, but this time I wasn't quite pleased. It didn't fit the Victorian (am I right?) setting. If you decide to keep it I really suggest you try rewording it. Give it a more chilling feel. Simply saying blood and guts and flesh isn't that effective.

Apart from that this was a real treat. This is going straight to my favorites!

Wow! great story...wow. i'm so impressed. wonderful job, the writing, the twist..o

The climax is shocking and grosteque! You use a good mix description and thoughts within Carmine's head - which paint that eerie setting. The last statement Carmine made adds to the kind of 'cinematic' effect. Hard to find any mistakes with this story! :)

BTW, thanks for your reviews!

Ooh, this was very eerie. You really give the reader a sense of apprehension at the beginning, a sense of venturing into the unknown. But I have to say that you also totally shocked me towards the end. I thought that Carmine was searching for money or something until she found the grave dust and bone box...

I really think that description was your strong point here, although the dialogue seemed equally strong. There was just less of it, so the description especially stood out. I could clearly picture the scene, and almost hear the maid's voice at the beginning. And once again, at the end, that was a crazy twist! You characterize Carmine as being someone...well, normal, and then totally surprise the reader.

The story also had a good closing- the vinegar last line brought the tale full circle. You provided enough details for the reader to understand the point of the story, but also kept it short and to the point.

WAy to go for having an original and wonderful short story!

Woah... The descriptions were absolutely amazing and I love Carmine's mysterious character, it really has me wondering what she wants with the sword and what she is.

P.S.- Thank you so much for the helpful review!

Ha! I like it. Very dark, and cool... there was one little sentence that sounded like you overused a word, but since I don't remember, I suppose it's not that important. ^^ Tres bonne.

One word... Amazing! I felt as though I was watching a movie when I was reading this, it was so descriptive. That's what all authors should strive for, great description. And you've nailed it perfectly with this. Very nice! I'll be waiting for more from you! -adds to favorite authors list-