i like it. a cool idea.

I thought I read this poem already (Covetous Ruin) but when I read it I was really impressed. The pain and the deep loathing for... something... comes across and shows the hurt! Emotional poem and excellent structure. I love the rhyming scheme... some of the words don't quite match but as opposed to making it un-rhythmic it still flows poetically, emphasising the hurt. I love this piece but can't help feeling a bit worried... keep writing!!

YAY! Line breaks and single spacing! -does a dance, grabs Julia’s hands and waltzes!- Yay yay yay!

[Bright lights/ A sickening crunch/ Shattering glass/ And a screaming punch] Switch the order of this, woman! [Bright lights/ And a screaming punch/ Shattering glass/ A sickening crunch] Better, ne? It works better in order, especially when someone is reading the poem for the first time, the mind is used to logical events and piecing things together. And when something is too vague or not in a good order, it messes up the imagery, makes someone backtrack, and they lose the initial feel for the poem because of the aggravating need to go back and fix mistakes. This is for attentive readers, at least. The general public will read and look over anything for some return lip service. But woman, you’re good, now order that switch-- switch the order! -grins.-

[Blacked out and/ I fell asleep/ Fell away from you/ And dreamed reality] The “I” doesn’t do well where it is. It’s best to omit it. OR how about putting the “I” after “I fell away from you”. It sounds better… “Black out and fell asleep. I fell away from you, and dreamed reality.” TADA!? The line, “dreamed reality” is stunning, though. That’s really awesome.

[This pretend reality has me going/ But how much of a lie can I take/ I'm lost in this perfection/ Will I be disappointed when I wake] Eep. The switch in tenses it a little iffy. I understand the logic, but whoo. It’s like being dumped from hot water into cold. You know what? For a good moment of pause, between the first line of this stanza and the last line of the other stanza, how about one lone “and” in its own line, spaced out between the other two stanzas? Yarg~!

[Just a disease to myself/ And slowly ceasing (to be)] Great lines, and the brackets are clever and effective. Very nice!

[You can't save me now/ Even if counterfeit affection/ Managed to turn into truth/ I'm a dream away from materialization] These lines are great! Ugh, how many times have people lived a lie because they’re selfish-- I was writing this one piece where the woman was an invalid, and the guy would visit her, she would ask if he loved her, and he would hold her hand and whisper a genuine, “Yes”, and then, he would gently coo her to sleep, then sneak out of the room and the hospice place and into his mistress’ convertible. And there were like, tears in this invalid’s eyes because she was pretending to sleep. It was a piece about a woman’s intuition, like, even if she’s incapacitated, she still has that empathetic ability to pick up implications and sift out the lies. … Where was I going with this? Oh, I was gushing about your lines. “I’m a dream away from materialization.” It had that suspenseful effect where people are waiting at the end of the movie to see if the heroine really died or not, and then she coughs water or something, then the orchestra music plays a powerful tune of triumph and everyone’s happy in the end. But here, this is sad, terrible, and really wonderfully written. Your closing lines are especially amazing.

[In a state of decaying aroma/ Lying awake in a coma] That’s an amazing couplet.

Rock on, V3!

Interesting figurative language, here: [Drowning in the sparkle of your eyes/ Suffocating on the glitter of your voice] Though, it would be better said if it was, “Suffocated by the glitter”. I know you want to keep that perfect present tense, but it’s more effective not to, for the sake of the flow of the poem.

[Mine dreary, dull brown eyes spy] Lolol. Nice allusion.

[A dazzling rainbow effect display/ The colorful fragments of your betray] Are you meaning to say, that this guy’s lies are so good, they’re dazzling? Omg. I’m so bad at interpretation.

[Such a killer diamond you bare/ One that everyone fights for/ You shine to attract then ensnare] This is amazing, V3. It just has that feel to it that I love reading in poetry, the dangerous feel to it.

[Creating a lust that begs, 'more, more!'/ In a cave of wonders, you're the forbidden treasure/ So beautiful, it's impossible to resist temptation/ This itch in my fingers leads me to measure] This sets up -great- imagery. I like the way you used quotations. The lust whispers, the cave of wonders (like Aladdin), and he’s that HUGE jewel on the pedestal, and the speaker is like-- Apu. LOL! No, all joking aside, it’s really good imagery.

[The circumference of your neck in elation] That’s awkward. Is that image, the kind where, the guy is laughing and his neck is getting bigger? Gah. Help me out, here.

LOL! Holy crap. What a switch. Jesus Christ. [Let me choke you, strangle out the shine/ Put an/ end to your sparkle and glitter/ You were just my paper Mache valentine/ Now nothing more than bloody litter] My god, I didn’t even see this coming.

These poems seriously need some line breaks. Lolol.

[A faux diamond you have become] Ohh, great word choice with the “faux”. [Sure you're real by percentage to some] Another witty line!

[and in the end i can't handle the sparkle of your voice] This is corny. How about, just plain: “and I can’t handle the sparkle of your voice” as if meaning to say, “I hate it so much I want to kill you, I’m going to kill you.” The “in the end” sounds like the stuff that end cheap romance novels and fairy tales. And this poem was seriously on a roll with awesomeness. A few small edits and precious line breaks will make this piece prime.

Great job on this one.

Eep. I found myself zoning out during this piece because it had a constant flow, pleasing rhymes, and timely repetition. My mind was filling in too many blanks and missing out on the new content. Some line breaks are in order. And maybe if the lines were single spaced, the poem, though flowy, won’t lose its constant stream to mind fill-ins. It could also suffer a little cut-down in length. My pieces severely suffer because of their length, I wish I could cut them down to poem size, but I don’t have this talent. You, on the other hand, do. Maybe if you cut out one or two of the “To you at home’s” and such, make it repeat only three times, and just coagulate the stanzas, it’ll have more poignancy-- along with the line-breaks into stanzas so people could digest everything.

Concerning the actual content itself, I’m all for happy poems, hopeful poems, spiritual poems, and positive poems in general. I like the warmth and familiar feel this poem emanates. I’m glad to know life is warm and nice for you right now!

[Even if home is a shack/ At least I’m not alone] Right on, sister! Alicia Keys says to us, “Some people want it all, but I don’t want nuthin’ at all if I ain’t got yo(o)ou.” Lolol.

This poem gives me a nice feeling.

I love this poem! You describe so vividly and yet poetically, a hard thing to do! Good work here!