This was long and confusing. I couldn't keep track of the characters by the time I got to the third scene. Also, you need to look over your grammar a lot because things got confusing.

By the way, have you ever heard of the musical Wicked? I bet you have because it seems like you're using a lot of stuff from that. You really need to reference that or something because otherwise it makes it look like you ripped it off. Also, the lines you took from it at the beginning don't even really fit.

Well, I hope you think on what I said.

Correct your editing mistakes, they're little things but they pile and pile and pile up so it's VERY distracting, breaks my connection with the story. Overall, it's very good and I'm starting to like the characters but you're not going as in-depth as you could or should. Get to know them better, really know them, all motives and then CLEARLY bring that across to the reader. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what you're trying to say so, please, edit and work on clarity. It'll make the story a better and easier read.

-- Taka