FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Pheobe Meryll 2005-11-16 ch 1,  | abuseI love the simplicity of your style. This is a really sad, sweet little sketch. I only have one or two comments: < "He must have opened up the curtains" I thought as I walked toward him. > you need a comma after curtains... I love how you described "the sun bleeding from the horizon through the windows." Pretty, and expressive of the speaker's pain. < "I felt like it was possible that both of us died a little on the inside when I said that." > Entirely opinion, but I didn't like this sentance. the remark about "dying a little" reminded me of a wooden line from Star Wars and seemed cliche. However it's just feedback so it's your choice of course. Good luck with your series. It's a good idea to develop and plan out scenes ahead of time. |