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| Varion 2006-11-03 ch 1, anon. | abuseWell, it certainly is short. Hmm, wish there was some way to make the good gooder and the bad badder. Yes, that was bad English, but you get my point. Like, the Aunt and that encounter had the solid sensation of being there, but the encounter with the girl is summarized. I think, if you ever considered revising this story, that would be the thing to change. It would be much more powerful if it were all written in scene, if you understand what I mean by that. |
| Neverfall 2006-09-22 ch 2,  | abuseUmm...sort of interesting. I want to know where this is going. |
| Earthsong12 2006-04-08 ch 2, | abuseSorry to be so critical, but again, this feels rushed. As soon as she meets some resistance guy they're ready to welcome her into their inner fold? Wouldn't it be really easy for the gov to infiltrate them then? And if the government is really that weak and people that dumb, wouldn't the resistance have been able to do more a long time ago? Also, just a small thing - you forgot the word "with" in the next-to-last paragraph: "the fault laid *with* the resistance". Your writing in this story is good, though, as usual. Hope to see more! ^^ |
| Earthsong12 2006-04-08 ch 1, | abuseSorry to not have reviewed this earlier! It's pretty good, but I think it would be better longer. Sahsa's change is *way* abrupt. I mean, if she's really been fed this stuff all her life, her reaction to hearing the opposite being preached wouldn't be "ooh, it's different". I dunno...and I'm wondering about the curly haired girl. Hopefully she'll be featured more in later chapters? I guess I should go read chapter 2 and find out! ^_^ |