it is kind of choppy and abruptit doesn't flow quite right

Brilliant story. :) ...Wow, becoming a vampire sounds painful, though. :P

this is cool. when u said it was a school thing, i wasn't expecting much (no offense), but i liked it. it's an interesting idea, a vampire bar. btw, i LOVE this sentence. "the scream is like a thousand violins played by monkeys". it's amazing. i love it when ppl come up with really unusual similes & this one's great. well done. hope it went down well at school! your teachers are stupid if they didn't like it