|Reviews for Allen and Antonia|
| Crowmanhunter 1/17/08 . chapter 1
Despite how disturbed I was by this, I couldn't help but feel entranced by the beauty of it.
It was good. Was good...
| Trajo 1/21/06 . chapter 1
wow... i just... wow.
| PisOgPapir 12/14/05 . chapter 1
You reviewed mine, i review yours. The story itself was really good, and left alot of questions open, you really should consider making this more than a one shot. Keep up the good work.
| Gamista 12/2/05 . chapter 1
This is very discriptive. Keep it up.
| WormsofCharacter 11/18/05 . chapter 1
I think it's beautiful! No one needs to know the back story but the author. You've done a wonderful job of tantalizing the imagination, which is what a good short story does. That's why they are short stories, not novels. I think it's just so beautifully sad that the moment is so passionate, but both of them know that it's false. Good job.
| Fabian Cortez 11/14/05 . chapter 1
Sensual and daring story; some might even say controversial. Myself there are aspects of reality here, that is often ignored, or considered something we shouldn't talk about.
You are one of the most refreshing writers I have come across on this site, and I respect your courage as such.
VERY VERY WELL DONE!
In my Torment trilogy. I have aimed for the same kind of reality in all respects. Your thoughts on these stories would be most respected. See what you think _
If I've mentioned these stories in the past please excuse the repetition.
| Gilee7 11/13/05 . chapter 1
-He stirred, eyes wide but unfocused in the dark. There was snow falling against the window behind her. “What are you doing here?” His whisper was sharp and unwelcoming, he knew that she shouldn’t be there, but already he wanted her to stay.- This is such an awesome opening. I totally saw this, and the imagery of the snow falling in the window is just beautiful. I'm amazed at how just a few little sentences with few words can paint such a vivid picture. It's so concise. I've had this same kind of experience many times. Not like this of course, not exactly. I mean, some girl didn't just end up in my room and then we had sex. But like that groggy feeling of waking up and there being somebody beside you, sitting on the bed with you or the couch, and that immediate surprise and happiness that comes from seeing them there. Yeah.
-“How old are you?” She had the sweet voice of a child but no matter what she asked of him he would answer. “Fifteen.” His lips where shaking- This was surprising to me on a couple different levels. It kinda caught me off guard. I expected that these two already knew each other really well, and so when she asked him his age I was like "hm, shouldn't she already know that?" It just raised a bunch of questions in my mind as to who this girl is and how these two know each other and just their whole backstory. We get a blurry idea of a bigger picture as we read along, but more questions are left unanswered than answered, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. His age revelation was really surprising to me, though. I was at first pictuing him as like a 19-year-old or more.
-“You look so much like your brother you' know.- What's that apostrophe doing there?
-“How long have I lived here? Or how long did he live here?”- I personally think you should put emphasis on the word "he" by putting it in italics.
-“I’ve never seen it snow like this before.” She grabbed him and kissed him.- After this I was like whoa, she just jumped right into it, huh? It seems like there should be more between those two sentences, between her dialogue and when she starts kissing him. Perhaps you could've describe some look that she gave him or the way the boy responded to her grabbing him or something. I don't know. It just seems like you jumped into it too fast. It's like boom-boom.
And then after that we have a full on sex scene.
-He was uncomfortable in his own skin- Ah, I related to that. I've been told that many times in the past. I guess it's true, though, kinda.
-When she moved the straps of her nightgown fell off her shoulders and he reached up to pull them down- I think you should have a comma after "moved". Actually, I noticed several missing commas in this story, but I didn't really see the point of copying and pasting each of them. They aren't really that big of a deal. I mean they aren't distracting or anything.
-Antonia felt like she was spinning- The whole paragraph that starts with this sentence, I just don't like. Not because it's poorly written or anything. It's very well-written and it's very beautiful still. But like everything prior to this story was kinda told through the eyes of the boy. I mean, the story is in 3rd person POV, but the story seems mostly concerned with him. We, the audience, are like standing behind his shoulder, seeing things as he sees them. We connect with him, or I did at least. And the girl is the one who is all mysterious and stuff. And yet here in this paragraph we switch sides, and we're suddenly seeing and feeling things as she does.
This was very well-written. It left me wanting more, though. It was like empty, meaningless sex for me. It started out so good, and then it just turned into a sex story. It seems odd that this is all there is, since you say it's just a one-shot. I would expect more to this, because it seems like it's begging for so much more. And these characters are so real despite the little you wrote about them. With it saying "Allen and Antonia 1990" at the beginning of the story, I thought there might be more of these, like set in different years or something. Like character pieces, you know? That would be really cool. Maybe you should consider that.
You're a great writer and you write beautifully. The whole sex scene was written very well. It wasn't dirty, and I'm glad. Dirty sex would not have fit with this story. It was passionate love-making, not f*cking. But when it turned to sex and never really elaborated on anything more, I was left wondering what exactly I was supposed to take from this piece? What was its point other than for it to be an excercise in beautiful imagery and a passionate love-making scene for you to write?
I guess I'm just a bit frustrated, because I want more. I'd like to see future chapters that further develop these characters and answer all the questions that this story implanted in my brain.
Write on, Juliet!
| angelicprotection 11/12/05 . chapter 1
wow this was amazing. i love the way you dont tone it down for the world to read. more people need to be more open. i loved it
| eyes of sky 11/10/05 . chapter 1
that was really unsettling. my favourite line was 'her lips tasted like raspberries'. very evocative.
| Tjikicew 11/9/05 . chapter 1
Promiscuous and yet true love. You have to remember you're youth to understand. So true and innocent and yet ... Only those who really love(d) you for the remembrance, albeit painfull.
| notACTUALLYwriting 11/9/05 . chapter 1
| catseyeview 11/8/05 . chapter 1
wo...description is unbelievable and very real...I'll leave it at that! you have a hand and heart to write
| UsagiNeko 11/8/05 . chapter 1
Sexy ;-). That is such an amazing romantic story. Keep writing!
| lifelessbreath 11/7/05 . chapter 1
This was an amazing romance story! I would love it if you wrote more and expanded on how these two met and what their history was. I am a fan of romance novels and I could see this on the shelves! It was beautifully written.
| in theory 11/6/05 . chapter 1
Ooh, so rare to see your name at the end of a piece of fiction. I love the romantic grit in this, the tone is moodily unsure. Definitely for an adult audience, (I hate that phrase so maybe I mean "mature?" hmm.), but this works on many levels. Nice work, as always :) *plans to get my stuff on fictionpress more often* I needed some time off to do revision though :(