Reviews for Blood Symphony - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Blood Symphony - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Lady Dee 2008-05-13 ch 1,	abuseWow, another totally cool story from you...Keep up the great work!
YYonder 2007-08-02 ch 7,	abuseit would be nice if you continued the story
miss understanding 2006-08-16 ch 6,	abuse"Unnatural slumber" - the chloroform! -.- Why is the back of her head bleeding? I thought he used drugs to knock her out? "Green, red and brown collages of muck coated the cement room" - eww. That sounds really cool, though. O.o A collage of muck. X.X She can't get out? Turning her hand and legs into hamburger isn't going to solve anything. -.-; "Slowly making her way back to the outskirts of the light (comma) she situated herself" "Returning her hand to her bleeding head (comma) she found that" Asides - aside "Her hair feeling heavy and matted" - eww. Poor girl. T_T I'd cry. "Adorning a placid grin a man of around six feet stood in front of her appearing friendly and calm, the exact opposite of all things in the room" This is a bit confusing. I suggest rephrasing (oh the evilness of it all!) Example: A man of six feet stood in front of her, a placid grin adorning his face, appearing friendly and calm; the exact opposite of all things in the room. Gabriel really seems to live up to his angelic name - at least in appearance. He can hypnotize people? That's so creepy. I'm guessing that THESE are the two men from the beginning (though seeing as I've accused everyone in your story of being the guilty party at one point, I may be wrong - yet again) "Don't go seducing her yet (comma) Gabriel(period) Decisions still need to be made." "felt as if a snowy veil had lifted from her mind" - another nice description ^-^ "Dia demanded (comma) throroughly confused and agitated" dark seeming - hyphenated Who was this bright angel with such dark seeming motives? - good contrast "The trumpets have been sounded" - take out the "been". It will sound a lot better. "The trumpets have sounded. Your path is open. Welcome Dia. Welcome to judgment day." - How ominous. I like it, because I'm evil like that. I'm pretty sure "judgment day" would be capitalized, though. "see just how far we can bend you until you brake" uh oh. I don't like the sound of that! brake - break loosing - losing Oh dear god. He's even worse than I imagined! So IS he an angel? A fallen angel, I imagine, since he's not in heaven right now (probably for obvious reasons x.x) "Oh it can (comma) dear (period) Go on (comma) say it. Speak his name." RYAN? Isn't he the older brother of Dante? The dude that took her in? Why did they turn him into a monster? Well, honestly, I wasn't imagining that. Although, if they really want her to cooperate, I think they're going about it the wrong way. She's only going to hate them more for this. coughs Fools. Good chapter. Lots of exciting twists and turns. >_> I must read the last chapter now. Remember: watch the commas! And I'm off! woosh xchoco
miss understanding 2006-08-16 ch 5,	abuseSomebody doesn't seem like a very good villain. Me? If I was a vampire I totally would have kidnapped Dia and drained Dante. Then again, she did refer to them as novices, so maybe they aren't that smart (or they have a sneakier plan) quite - quiet I find it interesting that she can still be nervous on her first day of school, despite all that she's been through. The first day is pretty nasty, though. x.x; Ah. So that's why they're all afraid and she's so nervous. rolls eyes gangs. "Sparkly talons" - makes me think of a harpy with nail polish Would a teacher really agree to all that? I thought their job was to educate the masses. Then again, it's not as if Dia's parents are around to sue. And she wouldn't be able to DO anything, technically, because of her gang involvement. There should be a period after Xenon. "Watching her mother struggle (comma) Dia promised herself" "In order to escape the beatings (comma) Dia only entered her house" Yeesh! Her mom became abusive. That's scary. Then again, I suppose having no money, little resources, low intelligence, and a husband that left you wouldn't exactly help. T_T Sad, though. hallow - do you mean haven? "Here she was surrounded by bitter (comma) misguided children" "tyrants to-be" - awesome, full of lol goodness "With this firm resolution (comma) Dia gathered her belongings" "Feeling childish (comma) Dia headed for the park" I like the park. My favorite feature was always the swings - and climbing up the slide. :3 Uh oh. Sudden darkness is never good. Why would she take comfort in a walky-talky and an evil laugh? Dude, I'd be wigging out. He just used the chloroform! Egad! Overage - oh yeah, I know what you mean. It's not attractive. It's just sort of . . . sad. =/ Yes, a cliff-hanger. sighs Things aren't looking too good. xchoco
miss understanding 2006-08-16 ch 4,	abusebreathe - breath thru - through surrounding - surrounded Uh, right. Mildew and dirt doesn't constitute for untidy? All righty then. I think Dante is a worthwhile candidate for Keeping House 101. He does act a bit like a child, doesn't he? I suppose part of that might be at the fault of his fourth-grade education. If you stop that early, maybe your mind just sorta . . . stops growing. crispy edged - hypenated Aww. He didn't get to tell her. pats him on the back It's okay, buddy. Maybe next time. ^-^ Uh. I don't think a pizza boy would actually walk into someone's house uninvited and be PROUD of it. Nope. That's pretty funny, though. chuckles at the thought of a frisky delivery boy Uh oh. The man outside is, like, majorly creepy. O_O Is he one of the original two from the beginning? xchoco
miss understanding 2006-08-16 ch 3,	abuseIs she starting to black out because of the cold? It sure seems like it. "Hazy (comma) snowy memory" Ah, Suburbia. Began with Levittown, ya know. "in some labyrinth of never(hyphen)ending realism. The affect was dizzying" - nice metaphor! "Closing her eyes to escape the maze mirage, when she opened her eyes she found herself zoomed in facing the front of a single house" - this sentences really doesn't make sense. You could change it to: She closed her eyes to escape the maze mirage. When she opened her eyes, she zoomed in on a single house. Yikes! O_O Some family "Velocity" is used out of context here. "Dia sat down next to her child-self and watched as her parents fought" - that just seems so tragic, and yet poetic, too. There's something about this line that portrays so much in its simplicity. "With only a final scream at the woman still crying on the floor (comma) the echoing sound of the slamming front door reverberated (through) her mind." self loathing - hyphenated Yay! A glomp! I can't but wonder what he's doing out here in the middle of nowhere. I think it is a trick. I mean, if Akito could change his form then one of the other guys easily could, too - especially if they're all vampires. Oh? I suppose it was the real deal then. Heh. Mr. Vampire isn't going to be too happy, is he, when he finds out that she's gone . . . xchoco
miss understanding 2006-08-15 ch 2,	abuseA purring noise? Is it that freaky dude's breathing? "No sound was heard, no pounding footsteps. (Moreover - one word), no panting breath sounded from moving so quickly while lugging her heavy weight" - I bet they're flying! Yes. I cheated and read ahead. ^_~ "Her eyes still closed (comma)" "So, still clenching her eyes closed (comma) she stretched her senses" Groping? Hmm. Some rather dirty thoughts come to mind there. x.x; Feigning sleep is a good tactic. Like I said before, the girl's got smarts. I also like how you acknowledged her weight. Not everyone can be light as a feather (and yet most girls are in these fics). He does sound really good-looking. Olive skin. Hmm. Is that unusual for a vampire? I believe you already used "midnight" to describe Dia's hair. I suggest using another "black" color. Perhaps ebony, raven, or onyx? Also, how can his bangs be "expressive"? "Wearing all black (comma) the buckles of his belt and trench coat gleamed" Trench coats -sigh- And he has feathers? Random question: are there holes in his trench coat for his wings? lol. Sorry. Just my silliness. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. -.-; erythematic - should be: arrhythmic charismatic smile with sharp pointed teeth? And that's my cue to start screaming. I liked her response. "Um . . . hi?" She doesn't quite sound like she can believe what's happening to her. ^-^ "LET ME GO!" I think now she realizes. "Where, may I ask (comma) do you plan on going?" Why do they always take them to an isolated place? That's really not very nice. drop off - hyphenated I don't think that's how you use decibel. T_T You might want to try rephrasing it like this: "He grimaced at her loud outburst (comma) his sensitive hearing absorbing a large shock from the unexpected blow" I suppose he would have sensitive hearing, what with being a predator and all. Does he read minds, too? I suppose we'll have to see . . . Is this Ryan? Maybe he got turned into a vampire? Hmm. Intriguing. It would explain how he knew her name, too, unless it's that whole mind-reading thing. But if it WAS Ryan, wouldn't she have recognized him? "Dia was about to noise a protest" - voice a protest? Doesn't "Dia" mean "day" in Spanish? Maybe that's the importance. Maybe starts working herself into a chocolicious conspiracy mode whatever vampire that drinks her blood will become a day walker! Yeah! Oh noes! I don't think you ever want a vampire nuzzling your neck. It probably means they're getting ready to bite you. "Now here he stood making friends with her neck and she didn't even know his name" - XD Ha ha. That is hilarious, my friend. I think this is my favorite quote of the chapter. Yay! Name's - names I remember that there was this belief that if someone knew your name, it gave them power over your soul. Correct? Akito. That sounds vaguely . . . Japanese. Is he a Japanese vampire? That's not very nice. First he kidnaps her and then he leaves her to fend for herself in the middle of a very frigid nowhere? Oh well. I suppose it could be worse. He could have drank some of her blood or those creepy men could have kidnapped her. I hope we get to find out more about those men and their "boss". I can't help but feel that there's something brewing and that Dia is going to be in the middle of the whole thing. >_> So, another good chapter. This one was a little choppier than the last. Add some more transition sentences and just watch your comma placement and all will be well. ^-^ Akito seems like a rather shady character. I don't think he's the villain (if he is, yyou hide it well), but he certainly fits into that gray zone. I look forward to seeing how your characters develop. xchoco
miss understanding 2006-08-15 ch 1,	abuseI apologize for this rather . . . belated review. Hopefully, this will make up for it. ^-^ The opening is a little rough and the way you use "soley" doesn't exactly make sense in that context. O.o You might want to consider entirely rephrasing the first sentence into something a bit more simplistic. Breathes - breaths I'm getting a rather creepy vibe from this atmosphere. In my head, I've got pictures of a dark alley around midnight with swirls of mist hanging in the air. -_-; cut off - should be hyphenated Hmm. I take it that she's being chased by something She doesn't sound particularly surprised, so I'm guessing that perhaps this has happened before? "Her fear paralyzed her so that even if they found her now she would not be able to flee again" - a bit clunky; it needs some commas or a seperate sentence to help it flow i.e.: Her fear paralyzed her. Even if they found her now, she would not be able to flee again. I like how she is tired. Most characters in a chase scene somehow manage to be a tireless fount of energy. It's quite . . . aggravating. Like the coyote and the roadrunner, ya just want them to be caught and just get it over with, yeah? daring to here - should be hear Dude, that's just scary. Who's hunting her down? I'm guessing vampires, from your title and cough the summary. >_> Boss? Do they belong to some kind of vampire organization? Why do you say "inhale"? If it's an action, they should probably be put in parenthesis. The bar kind doesn't work with fictionpress, so ya need to use the rounded kind (I found that out the hard way). thru - through So even though she's scared she can still spare a laugh? ^-^ Heh. I think that answers my question. She's obviously been through this before (probably by more "expert" captors, judging from her scorn). "when a bunch of large angry men cornered you (comma) ordering for(omit for) your cooperation (comma) that one had the best thoughts in mind to run. Like. Hell." - Oh my god! giggle That's some good advice right there. It's also good to kick them in the family heirlooms . . . or not, because that tends to ** them off. . "Scrappy Fighting" - I like that. It's cute. ^-^ I've found that usually, when beginning a verb in the -ing form, there is a comma after the completed action like so: "Using the wall as a guide (comma) she felt her way back out of the dark alley" "Keeping to the shadows (comma) she slinked her way through the streets" Try to read the sentences aloud. If there is a pause, add a comma. ^_^ "She knew that there was a high possibility that the men would return to research the area when they couldn't find her" - that's some good logic. She seems pretty smart in some ways and less so in other ways. Which is good. terraces - nice word ^-^ Ooh flickering lamp posts x.x that's so creepy. I just have this vivid image of a dark street right now that's so . . . GAH! shudders That's odd, though. Is it really late? I mean, it'd have to be if there's no one out and about, right? I take it she knows this guy? o.o Call it a hunch. Unhealthily pale, mm? I'm guessing . . . VAMPIRE! Ahh! long since - should be hyphenated thru - through I wish I could move like that. Sadly, my movements could hardly be called "fluid". Jerky, perhaps. Clumsy, most assuredly. But I will probably never be called "fluid". ::tear:: Tigers and Dragons (oh my)? Are you basing these gangs of the animals of the Chinese zodiac? If so, that would be so awesome! claps "She wants to live (comma) I can see it in her eyes" Wait, so if she likes this guy, why was she running from him- or was that someone else? is confused Sweet Dia (comma) right now (comma) some mortal should truly (omit truly) be the least of your worries" "Suddenly feeling very awake (comma) her eyes bolted open (comma) only to be faced with pupils (that were) a deep shade of crimson" Creepy. Creepy! What a cliffhanger. And yet, I am happy that you had some sadness instead of gleeful insanity or evil. So I'm guessing that he had taken on the form of this Dante fellow and used it to trick her. Not quite as naive as she had originally thought, ne? So, anyway, I hope this helped you! Evil, evil cliffhanger. I'll have to see what happened next. >_> Keep at it! xchoco
hells666angel 2006-08-15 ch 7,	abuseyay aww bless i liek akito...lol hehe altho i cant realy remember the last chapter or wahst goign on :S but yeah update soon pwease xx
The Gobbler 2006-08-14 ch 7,	abuseHEHEHE yay!! You bum this is your first this summer, isn't it? Oh well I think I only updated twice... I think. Can't really remember. Anyway. Dude, I freakin loved the dialogue. It was brilliant; I think Dia should be deemed "squirt" from now on. Um, I think you messed up your tenses a few times during the memory scene... But When Akito came to the rescue was bomb. "Akito then gathered Dia into his arms and turned to face a stunned Gabriel and a snarling Ryan. Gabriel quickly replaced the look of shock on his face with a nonchalant mask." My favorite line. Just cause Ryan was snarling, and I thought it was rather vivid. I aslo liked when he bared his fangs, but I don't really remember where that was. Somewhere near that other one. But you'd better have that next chapter up soon cause this was way too short. I less than three you too, you crazy kid.
Stacey 2006-06-21 ch 6, anon.	abuseTHIS STORY'S AWESOME! PLEASE KEEP WRITING!
Pyro Freak 2006-05-31 ch 6,	abuseNo, we don’t need to hear your sad story. But we all love you anyway and won’t shoot you if you don’t update.. Man, I want collages of muck on my walls. That certainly sounds exciting. I liked when you described the man as the exact opposite of the things in the room. His name is Gabriel?! Ha, ha. As I read how white he was everywhere...I started thinking about the two-faced, white angel, Gabriel in Constantine (the movie)...and then bam! You say his name’s Gabriel. Funny. And then right after we find out that Gabriel’s really not that good and Dia wonders about the white angel. “The trumpets have been sounded. Your path is open. Welcome Dia. Welcome to judgment day.” Yes, that is the best line. Because after that the chapter becomes wicked awesome! Ew. He kissed her! I did not see that one coming. It would be depressing if everyone forgot Ryan. I knew the creature couldn’t be Dante as she said the red brown eye color was familiar. So it had to be Ryan, the only male option left. Hey, I must know what happens next!
hells666angel 2006-05-17 ch 6,	abuse:O OMGS! lol dun dun dah dah... lol i cant make the noise i want...:( but omgs! lol he ...she ...love...angel??!! :S confusion!
The Gobbler 2006-05-16 ch 6,	abuseYAY OMG AWESOME CHAPTER! Te amo muchisimo... now I just need to get my lazy ** in gear and finish Chapter 9... cough. Yeah, ok, well, the first thing I noticed was that you used substance twice in the first two paragraphs (way to start off with a compliment, eh?) and you used "loose" alot instead of "lose". HowEVER, those are the only two cc I have. The description of the door opening, the scraping of metal on the floor... that was, like, orgasmic (haha. I couldn't resist). Gabriel is an AWESOME villain, I love how he's an angel... you have no idea how excited I got when you had Gabriel in here. I love stuff like that. I also absolutely loved your description of Ryan... almost wrote Dante, I keep mixing them up... and the one animal eye. I just got this picture of him staring out at her, the yellow eye gleaming, with the other half of his face covered by this nasty brown hair shivers. This chapter rocked. You're awesome!! And I can't wait for the next one... especially after this masterpiece. Stellar (hahahahaha. I have no idea where that came from) job.
alexa-xox 2006-05-16 ch 6,	abuseWOW!! thats a really great update!! really...i thoroughly enjoyed it! I mean its really well written and really intriguing!! I remember Ryan...who the hell is this Gabriel! He seems such a monster!! Wow you portray your characters really well!! LOL! PLease update soon!! PLEASE!! alexa xox

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