There's generally not much to say in opening chapters as they tend to be short, save that it either works or it doesn't. Here I'd say it part-works. It seems like you're trying to make a point of the narrator at times, but then he/she/it fades into the background and doesn't seem to exist anymore. I'd suggest either strengthening or lessening that, as I really don't like it as a half-approach. Or I should say, I don't think it works as a half-approach.

The end's a decent hook.


-All of this, of course, has a point. Its point is to lead up to this: our story.

I generally don't think statements like this are good, unless it's an explicitly first person, present tense kind of thing where you're trying to establish a constant interplay between character and reader. I don't get that impression here.


-Her elbow pressed against her knee as she slumped over, resting her head on her fist in a futile attempt at gaining some rest during her timeout.

I'd suggest being careful with -ing endings in a past tense story. -eds are past tense, -ings are primarily present tense, so every time you use one you're basically breaking your tense, and that can get jarring if you do it too much. Two of them in one sentence is, in my opinion, too much.


-Assuming it was her father at the door rattling the doorknob, the girl stayed where she was. She knew this trick. Her father would pretend to need help getting in when she was in a timeout, and she would stand up, let him in, and receive a good scolding. No, she would not be fooled.

Aside from the -ings, I don't like the language here. She's supposed to be really f'n bored by now, I think you should try to get that into the language. Make it more lazy, maybe. She's half-asleep, after all. She seems alert and upright, rather than someone on the edge of losing consciousness. Hope that makes sense.


-She would wake up in an hour, and remember nothing except that she had had a nightmare about monsters. Just like all the others who had gone missing. Just like all the others who would never be found.

Good ending!


And my usual sign-off: Please R & R my stories, if you have the time.

You KNOW that I like this.

...

did you make any of those changes I gave you? I don't see any...*eyebrow raises*

:) CD

By "weird" I meant a good weird. It's original, it's new, it's interesting. Keep it up!

I would suggest separating the POVs with a "ruler", which is placed by clicking the line button on the far right in Document Manager.

just a suggestion... you don't have to take it.

:) CD

oh shoot. no pun intended. someone saw, and she got a picture. shaeli.

don't ask me to translate that.

:) CD

strange, but interesting. as usual. *nods* VERY strange.

Can't wait to read more!

:) CD

H P Lovecraft! Guard your laurels! If this story continues in the same vein, we are in for some delectable scariness.

It's HorseGlass, by the way, I changed my penname. Anyway, great new story. It shows lots of promise. Right now it's weird, but part of it wants to make me follow along, which is good.

Keep it up!