Wow. Powerful stuff. Deep and moving. Keep writing.

I'm afraid a decent chunk of your first chapter was cut off, I don't know if this is a Fiction Press error, or if something is wrong with your formating.

A few points. A Karabiner 98 is a bolt action 8mm rifle (Not 7.62 although I'm not sure if the line in chapter two refers to a K98 wound), one doesn't necisarily stand up and fire more than one accurate shot quickly. If you ever get a chance to fire one, take advantage of it it's a pretty sweet weapon, and a piece of history.

To add more detail you probably should mention him cocking the bolt back.

And I'm not sure if a pole could understand "Shiess nicht! Ich hab' ein bischen madchen!" Unless somewhere in the end of your first chapter you mentioned that he was speaking polish. Or that some of the poles understood German.

Overall though, well written. Cruising around Fiction Press it is often difficult to find stories that are well written with proper grammar. (Something that I struggle with on occasion.)

Nicely Done.

Thank you for the criticism, it's better than just a short endorsement or detraction as it gives me a chance to improve upon the work.

In all honesty, this was the first real short story I ever wrote, inspired by the Pianist and Band of Brothers. I submitted it to Ubersite, another writers' forum, and the critism and praise can be seen in the reviews.

http://w.ubersite.com/m/68171http://w.ubersite.com/m/68303 http://w.ubersite.com/m/68430

The criticism therein was minor, just some language issues, inconsistensies in the timelines of one of the weapons used, and the fact that in the original story I had accidentally described Zeva as blonde, an error that I corrected for the FictionPress entry.

This was intended to be something short, to the point, and a template tragedy. I agree about the occasional lack of emotion, it's been something I've had to work with in my stories.

Thank you for the review, and all the best to your own work.

Well, this story was a surprise to see. Admittedly, I was very impressed. FP is few and far for well-developed stories, let alone ones that use history (or present) in such a convincing, real, or suitable way. Add to that excellent vocabulary (ennui, aerated, contrition, etc.), a great grasp of grammar (using commas at the end of speech, for example), and extremely minimal errors (I'd like to say none, but I did spot a place where "was" should have been "were"), and we have a story to read on our hands. I have two gripes though.

First is that, while the story is excellently crafted in its minimalist approach, it suffers. Because it's a short story and self-contained, it doesn't dwell on details or setting for too long, only long enough to make it visible before blasting through it. This is no Saving Private Ryan epic movie (a lot of similarities, BTW), it's just a single episode of Band of Brothers. This could have been longer and more enjoyable, no doubt about it.

By that token, we're rushed into the story. Admittedly, you did research: guns were correctly placed, the words were correct (I have a decent grasp on German, but not Polish), and the genocide was also aptly placed (having been to Dachau in Germany and being Jewish helps me know that). While all of the parts we need to have in it to make it successful are there, it doesn't totally succeed on the basics of writing: character, plot, pacing. The characters are all stereotypically bland, almost caricatures (Jacob is a sensitive soldier with a heart of gold and bad past, Vladislav is trusting compatriot soldier, Zeva is the innocent who hates, Hessen is the old friend turned enemy, etc.). Their relations are coerced and quick, just to give motivation without substantiated proof behind them. The pacing jumps so quickly (also due to length) that we're left with very little feeling as to his journey, flee, or his job (other than juxtaposing WW2 images or stories we've previously seen onto yours to get the images, which, of course, I did [it’s hard not to think of S.P.R. when anything WW2 comes up]). If a Pole came across a German, he'd most notably shoot him square in the face, no questions asked, which makes Jacob's short-lived relationship with Vladislav unbelievable. Much more, Jacob saving Zeva and getting away, it all just seems a little too convenient. Call me a stickler, but it just doesn't give off the greatest veracious vibe. The plot is also about the same as a book called The Hangman, which I read a few years back. Same basic plot (Nazi saves a Jew, on the run), except he's an SS officer, through his rise and fall, and ends up saving his family, having an affair with a Jewish girl, and then getting killed in an air strike as his family gets out through the English Canal.

Another gripe, the story feels way too mechanical in its language. There's no sense of vernacular, no lexicon use, it's all perfect grammar. Your narrative shows more life than your dialogue, and it should be the other way around.

The story, a self-contained war story, is very well done. The language used is near flawless, except lack of some emotion, and the historical placement of guns, cities, and events, works very well towards the story's lasting impression. This could have taken place in Rome during the Barbarian flood, or Israel during the Crusades, or feudal Japan, but by making some time-specific references and set pieces, you really make this story set. A tale of revenge is timeless, but it's made powerful by how it is uniquely tailored for its settings (look at Kill Bill). A young boy becoming a hero is obviously cliché, but Star Wars did it so well by setting it against a great sci-fi backdrop. Yours is set against a very good WW2 backdrop that's equally fleshed out with facts and enough believability to warrant that you know your facts.

Very good job.