Reviews for Ember Maiden - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Ember Maiden

Christina 2006-03-16 ch 1, anon.	abuseWhat a lovely story! A beautiful picture of redemption! I just wish there was more! Joelle Duran has a link to this story on her page -- I'm so glad I saw it! Anyway, you've done a beautiful job with this story -- I love the clumsiness of the main character...and his patience and heart with the girl. Many men would lack such character. And I truly love the "naming" part -- This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "What's in a name?"! Thank you for sharing such a sweet story.
Leisl von Trapp 2006-01-12 ch 1,	abuseFirst: thank you for the generous review on my own work. I'll try and repay your favor: Your writing is coherent, and the story is a sweet allegory. You did a fair job of holding the reader's attention, except for the first paragraph, which was a little lengthy. It makes a good introduction, but I think you use a few too many examples to describe the protagonist as "nothing special." The next paragraph picked up the narrative, though, and grabbed my attention again. :) There are a few paragraphing errors, when dialogue is concerned, but nothing horrendous. Personally, I'm glad to see correct grammar and good diction. All in all, I like it.
Alexis LePlume 2006-01-10 ch 1,	abuseThis...was kewl! I still wonder, of course, how they got rid of that man afterwards, but the story was interesting. The main character was different, though, but in a good way. He wasn't like the typical guy. Anyways, it was a story well-written, and I didn't find anything wrong with it. Good description, by the way. Alexis
Joelle Duran 2006-01-04 ch 1,	abuseI'm not much of a fan of romantic stories, but this is beautiful. Tomson comes off as a very 'real' and sympathetic character, I quite enjoyed his viewpoint in this. The descriptive imagery you use to describe the Ember Maiden is just beautiful. There's only two things I would crit. The ending is a bit abrupt--quite powerful and beautiful, but it leaves so much hanging. I can't imagine there NOT being an ensuing conflict between Tomson and the innkeeper, so as a reader I don't feel quite as much resolution when I feel like Tomson and the Ember Maiden are both in danger at the end. Secondly, a small lapse in your writing, something that's hard to catch anyway, and that's word repetition. There's a few places where you repeat the same information or the same adjective, which is better off avoided. "and my eyes caught sight of a form lying languidly beneath the brush that surrounded it. Upon closer inspection, I saw that it was a woman, lying asleep" "she moved back and pushed herself to her feet. Her breathing grew heavy and she pushed herself against a tree trunk" "I looked up in surprised, and she smiled very slightly as she pushed my hands aside." surprise. "and she smiled very slightly as she pushed my hands aside. Bending down herself, she stirred the twigs slightly" "Thinking to comfort her, I very gently place my hand on her arm" placed, otherwise it's a tense slip. My apologies if that's more of a crit than you wanted. I really, really enjoyed this piece; my odd way of showing appreciation of a magnificent read is to dismember it. =)
Mr. Arnold 2005-11-26 ch 1,	abuseThe ending of it was a little too ideal, I mean about the innkeeper fellow just giving up on the woman because she asserted herself... but I mean that is also part of poetic justice I suppose right, anyways I thought you took to the mature theme quite well. The Male character I can sort of relate to so you definately created a character to relate to and a story to be put into few words with good impact.
rrmehta364 2005-11-23 ch 1,	abusethe line, “I am called Tomson,” sounds a bit awkward. you might change it to I'm Tomson. also, the line, "She was pleased." gives me the impression were dealing with a rabbit or a baby, not a mature human being. also, id warn against throwing the word 'love' around lightly. its a strong word, and it means something more than physical attractions. really, all Tomson has so far is beautifully described physical attraction. essentially, lyrical lust. youre definately mature enough for this piece of writing. while i feel you make the common mistake of mixing up love and lust, you do it in a far more beautiful way than others. often, writers feel abusing a thesaurus will make their writing more pretty.this problem is much more severe in romantic writing. however, you keep the language relatively simple, instead manipulating it to do what you want it to. also, i like Tomson. he isn't dashing brave noble/peasant hero i see so often. very good, and very well done. he seems like a normal person, someone easy to emphatize with. i cant say the same for the ember-maiden, but thats just cause you dont get into her personality as much. anyways, never be afraid of writing something new. so long as you write your hardest, it will read great. you've got natural talent when it comes to writing, and despite some minor flaws, its quite obvious its there. good job, and i hope to read more in the future.
Beautifula 2005-11-22 ch 1,	abuseThe language you used to describe all this is incerdible and adds to the atmophere and mystery of it all. Just beautiful. By the way, thank you for the review.
SliversofSilverPain 2005-11-22 ch 1,	abusewow. this is AMAZING! i love it!the description is amazing, the plot is brilliant, even if it short, it is well explained. brilliant story. i love the end
Arrogit 2005-11-16 ch 1, anon.	abuseAww . . . that was so sweet and moving. Yada yada, good imagery, yada yada, very sweet. :D It was cute.
Mikki Amboree 2005-11-16 ch 1,	abuseOh, that was so sweet! I loved every minute of it! It was absolutely breathtaking and the imagery was perfect. You really pulled me into it.Sorry, I haven't reviewed you in a while... I've been so busy! School has been really hectic. So, I'm going to try to catch up on Butterfly... gosh, I'm so far behind in it...
Teh Outtawacked 2005-11-16 ch 1,	abuseshort, but very sweet. you have talent!too mature my **; go on wi'ch yo mad skilz! your writing has this sense of understanding, that whispers to the reader the whole time and then some. never doubt yourself, because you have the intellect that goes beyond the simple imagination; you are able to take simplicity and shap it into something profound and enlightening (woo, spell check O_O).take it and run! while you still can!

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