Not bad, but it hasn't really gotten to the meat of the story yet. Keep it going, it's a good story!

Hiya, Anna! It's Reythia from A Writer's Touch, come to visit and check out your stuff. Also, I see from that site that you used to have a Space Pirates story? What happened to it? Don't be scared of putting up your stuff! You can do it!

Anyhow, I'll start reading now, and I'll comment as I go! :)

1.) "He snapped the reins again urging the chestnut horse onwards" -- Commas are useful between phrases, since they make it easier to read for us lazy people! Add one after "again", please.

2.) "Once opened the carriage made it’s way into the driveway." -- Same thing. Comma after "opened", since "the carriage made its way..." could be its own sentence. Oh -- and it's "its" not "it's" here. Yeah, that's a really stupid grammar rule, but I didn't make it! If you want to know when you use "its" vs. "it's", read my grammar review. it's in there somewhere.

3.) 'where Roses grew in the summer" -- Why is "roses" capitalized?

4.) "The younger looking more worried, however." -- Take a careful look at this sentence. There's no verb! Either combine it with the previous sentence (I'd use a dash), or make it "looked" not "looking".

5.) "Show me where my mother is Mr. Cuting.” The man said. -- A couple of things. First off, put a comma before "Mr.". Secondly (and more importantly", though, when writing dialogue, things like "the man said" belong to the sentence where the saying is done, and any periods inside the quotes get turned into commas. So this should be: "Show me where my mother is Mr. Cuting,” the man said. I see you make this mistake all the way through (which is okay, since you'll know to fix it from now on), so I'm not going to comment anymore on it. Again, check my grammar review (here on FP) if you want help and send me an email if you have any questions. Don't worry -- it's a common mistake and easily corrected.

6.) Just a suggestion, but it might help to give "the younger man" and "older man" names right away. It's a little confusing reading it, as is.

7.) "Rachel was three years younger then her brother" -- "than" not "then", since it's used for comparison.

8.) "Read it once I have left this world, you must go and find it and tell the guardian who you are." -- This should be two sentences.

9.) "He felt his mother’s grip on his hand slack" -- "slacken" is the verb form. "slack" is just a noun.

10.) "It is something that a woman shouldn’t see" -- I think you forgot a period at the end of this.

11.) That's harsh, forcing his sister to leave! I'd be mad at him, too, if I was her! And why can't she see her mother? I presume Rachel spoke with her earlier, so it's not like the wound would be a surprise. Hmph! Boys!

Alrighty. First off, it seems like you've got a good grasp on the plot in the story, even though this is only the first chapter. What you need to work on is your grammar, though. I know that plot and character development are more important, but if the story is poorly-written from a grammatical point of view, people are going to put it down anyways. :( The good news is that grammar is pretty easy to fix, and gets easier as you get used to looking for it. Start off my correcting all the dialogue as I mentioned above, and then try reading the whole thing aloud and putting in commas wherever you breathe. Generally people parse sentences better aloud than on paper (and that includes me, although I fake it well, since I never post anything ANYWHERE without reading it aloud and fixing it!).

Anyhow, why don't you take a shot at fixing the next chapter's grammar before I read it. Just throw me an email when you're done, and then I'll take a look. That way I can point out anything you miss. Good luck! --Ruatha

This story is so eloquent! Being a Charlotte Bronte fanatic, I love the time period you chose! you must knwo a bit yourself- your writting is fairly accurate- a pleasure to read! (If you can't tell, this is by far one of the best Hist/fics I've ever read- ^_^) Your language is fluid and lovely, and it is beggining to show the depth in which the people of the Guilded Age Favored writing. Hmm... I think that's my only real critique- needs more elaborate sentence structure. Victorians always drowned the reader in vivid language. Think Dickens, at the latest. I love the whole opening scene and this James King seems like a cool guy. Rachel is very calm and collected for a woman of her times- does she have a Jane Eyre-like role later on? anyways, this was a brilliant piece and I eagerly anticipate the next chapter! Don't leave us hanging! ^_^